


What's Left of Me

by tmn1966



Category: CW Network RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: M/M, Romance, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-14
Updated: 2012-02-14
Packaged: 2017-10-31 04:56:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 80,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/340151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tmn1966/pseuds/tmn1966
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>College degree, check. Career as physical therapist in a well-respected clinic, check. Appropriate boyfriend, check. Life was going exactly as Jensen Ackles had mapped it out when he was still in high school.</p>
<p>The only thing Jared Padalecki knew for a fact was that you never could guess where life was going to take you. But you could go anywhere as long as you had family, friends, and love.</p>
<p>When Jensen didn't get the expected promotion and his perfect boyfriend turned out to be not-so-perfect, for the first time Jensen finds himself without a plan to follow. Enter one free-spirited, too young, and ridiculously attractive college student who wants him to let life just happen... and it kind of works. Until a tragedy causes Jensen to run away from the love Jared offers, and Jared has to show him that life can be amazing even when it's not according to plan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Suicide (not a main character)
> 
> Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. It's not meant as an interpretation of the real-life relationships, past or present, of any of the characters and no harm or disrespect intended.
> 
> *More notes at end of story.

[](http://s417.photobucket.com/albums/pp254/tmn1966/?action=view&current=tmnsfic2-1.png)

“We’re going out,” Chris said sauntering in. “And I ain’t taking no for an answer.”

Ignoring the snarling cowboy hovering in the doorway behind him, Jensen stared into his refrigerator as if something tasty and satisfying was going to magically appear for him to eat. He opened a Chinese container and gave it an experimental sniff before chucking it into the trash can a few feet away. He really needed to go to the grocery store. Not only was buying this much takeout not good for his budget, it wasn’t very healthy either. He needed to pull himself out of the funk he’d dug himself into and, given who just stalked in, it damn well better be soon.

A quick glance over Jensen’s shoulder showed him Chris was wearing his ass-kicking face topped by his favorite broken down cowboy hat. Chris took two determined strides closer, the heavy clomp of his ever present boots sounding loud in the previously quiet space. Jensen was pretty damn sure that he wasn’t going to like whatever his best friend had to say. 

“You want something to eat?” Jensen pointed to the fridge. He let the door go, which closed on its own due to the slope of the floor. The house was old and not in the greatest shape, but the low rent allowed him to put money in savings. It was all part of the plan.

Chris crossed his arms over his chest and Jensen knew any attempt to distract him, even with food, wasn’t going to work this time.

“I wanna check out a band and you’re coming with me.”

“What about Steve?” Chris shook his head, so Jensen tried again, naming off a few of their friends. “Mike? Vic?”

Chris pointed to him with that ‘go ahead and try to defy me’ look that Jensen knew all too well. “You.”

They had a staring contest for a few minutes before Chris finally said, “I’ll fucking drag you out of here if I have to.”

Jensen looked down at his old, comfortable black t-shirt and faded jeans, both more than a little worn. He took one more look at ice-blue eyes that clearly weren’t going to quit. Sighing he said, “I need to change.”

“For fuck’s sake, we’re just going to a bar. You don’t need to beautify yourself.”

“Fine,” Jensen said, resigned. “Let me grab my coat and hat.”

As they backed out of the drive, Jensen pulled his baseball cap down low enough that he’d have to tilt his head up just to see anything more than ground in front of his feet. “You totally owe me dinner.”

Chris snorted. “Yes, dear.”

He knew Chris was just trying to get him out of the house and the only reason Jensen gave in tonight was because he thought maybe it would give him a reprieve from his friends for a while. Jensen hadn’t been doing much of anything for the past month except going to work and coming home. He hadn’t returned phone calls, emails, and even when his friends did come over, he just sat there like a lump and didn’t participate much in the conversation. He was brooding and he knew that, but he’d gotten thrown and needed some time to get right again, get things back on track.

As they drove, Chris told him about Brutal Black, the band they were going to see. Chris and Steve already had a band, but they needed a new drummer and word had it that Brutal Black was having some serious issues and were about to break up. Chris wanted to check out the drummer to see if he was any good.

When they walked through the door of the bar, Jensen immediately knew this was a bad idea. The small, run-down shack was packed to the rafters with college kids.

Chris threw his arm over Jensen’s shoulders. “Aww, now don’t be like that. It ain’t that bad.” 

It was truly scary how easily Chris could read him, but Chris had seen right through him almost from the start of their friendship. Besides, there wasn’t anyone Jensen would rather be with in a crowded, rowdy bar besides Chris. He always had Jensen’s back. 

“Tell me again why we couldn’t check out this band at some other gig they’re playing?” 

Chris just smirked and let his arm drop to muscle his way through the sea of bodies. They made it to the bar and Jensen couldn’t seem to let his discontent go. “Yeah, like you’re gonna get the bartender’s attention long enough to get us a drink.” 

“Look, man, you need get your panties out of that bunch pretty goddamn soon or I’m gonna hand you a purse and start calling you Jenny.” 

Jensen ground his teeth together only to try to keep from grinning. “Like to see you try.” 

“Boy, I could whip your ass ten ways from Sunday.” 

It was true. Jensen may have had a couple of inches on his best friend, but damn, Chris was tough. If he got that certain glint in his eye and set to his jaw, well, you just better watch the hell out or you might be saying a quick hello to the ground. 

A beautiful brunette at the bar turned to Chris, her purple shirt tight with a low neckline that showed off her cleavage, her skirt short and her legs long. She cocked her head and smiled at them, but her focus was on Chris. “Hey.” 

Chris gave her the once over, and returned her smile with a lopsided grin, his voice low and smooth as he said, “Well, hello.” 

Jensen rolled his eyes and turned to the crowd as he stuffed his hands in his pockets. He might never get that promised drink if Chris decided to give his attention to someone. Chris loved to flirt. 

It was hot in the small room due to all the bodies – Jensen was sure the crowd far exceeded the fire code’s maximum allowance. Maybe if Chris got a little distracted, he wouldn’t notice him slipping out the door and grabbing a taxi for home.

“Here,” Chris said, holding a beer out to him. 

Jensen frowned as he accepted the bottle. There was no sign of the girl. 

“She was just looking to score some free drinks. I’m not in a generous mood tonight.” 

That remark only got a raised eyebrow from Jensen. When it came to women, Chris was always plenty _generous_. It never really got too serious because Chris did have a girlfriend, but it was definitely not normal for him to pass up an opportunity for a little bit of fun.

“Yeah, well, with you PMSing or whatever, thought I better stick close to you.” 

“Oh, so now it’s my fault you can’t score?” 

“’Scuse me? I’m sure I didn’t hear you right. You sayin’ I can’t get a woman?” 

“Oh no, not at all. Nope. Just that she already looked kinda drunk, and she was eyeing your package – like, a lot – probably would’ve only taken a drink or two and she’d been blowing you out in the parking lot.” 

Chris craned his neck around to look for the girl, sighing as he turned back to face Jensen, but he really didn’t look all that disappointed. “Yeah, you’re probably right. Too late now.” 

“Seriously, dude, you do not have to babysit me.” 

Chris gave him one of his patented ‘the hell you talkin’ ’bout, boy?’ looks before taking a swig of beer. 

“I’m just sayin’ –” 

Chris cut him off with a roll of his eyes. “Just shut the fuck up and drink your beer.” 

Jensen gave him a mock salute and went back to checking out the crowd. He’d only got half his beer finished when the music was abruptly shut off and an older guy went up to the stage and turned on the microphone. He didn’t look too happy, like someone had just told him that his dog had died or something. 

“Sorry folks, but the band had to cancel.” That announcement was greeted with a chorus of boos and shouts of displeasure and the guy held up his hands. Guess that answered the question if Brutal Black had broken up and why the guy looked so damned depressed. He’d have to start issuing refunds for the cover charge if there was no live entertainment. “We got an old karaoke machine we’re gonna bring up, but it’ll take a few.” 

Jensen drained his beer and turned to Chris. “Okay, let’s get outta here.” 

“Now hold on a minute.” Chris stopped him, seemingly enthralled with a group of kids that were creating a ruckus in the center of the room. “This could be interesting.” 

“You said you wanted to check out the band. No band, nothing to see. Let’s go.” 

“Jesus,” Chris said impatiently. “What, you can’t have fun anymore just ’cause you had a few bad days? Is that some new rule I’m not privy to?” 

Jensen snorted. “Privy? My, what big words you’re using, grandma.” 

“I got five more for you if you don’t cut that shit out.” It was an empty threat because Jensen knew Chris was trying to hold back a laugh instead of a punch. 

There was a chant of some sort that had started from the center of the room and Jensen tried to decipher it. “What the hell are they going on about?” 

Chris just shrugged his shoulders, but he looked pretty well set to stay and find out. 

“No way!” a voice said loudly. “I’m not _that_ fuckin’ drunk!” 

There was more cajoling from the crowd in general as a blond guy broke away from the pack, approached the stage, and talked to the bearer of the no-live-band news. Bad News Guy nodded his head and Blondie gave a fist pump before making his way back to his friends. It wasn’t long before a guy was being hauled to his feet and pushed and pulled in the direction of the stage. 

He was tall, a bit gangly looking, from what Jensen could see of him anyway. His hair was long, falling into his eyes, had a smile that was a mile wide, and dimples. He walked up to the mic on his own power and pointed to his group of friends. “You guys so owe me drinks forever.” 

“Wait!” a girl called, holding something up to him. He bent down and Jensen saw it was a bandana. Seriously Tall Dude lifted his leg and folded the bandana against his knee before he tied it onto his head like a headband and spread out his arms wide as if to ask ‘does it look good?’ The girl said something and Tall Dude bent down again and gave her a quick kiss, which caused a wave of cat calls and whistles. 

Tall Dude actually giggled when he went back up to the mic, maybe even blushed a little, but Jensen couldn’t tell for sure. He _was_ kind of cute. “C’mon, y’all, stop making me laugh.” 

“Oh, this is gonna be _real_ good,” Chris said, crossing his arms over his chest. 

Jensen agreed, but probably for a different reason, and adjusted his hat to sit a little higher up on his forehead so he could get a better view of the guy’s more than average everything.

Tall Cute Dude turned his back to the audience and the crowd quieted a little before someone yelled, “Woo baby, shake that ass!” 

Tall Cute Dude turned back around to give whoever said that an ‘eat shit and die’ glare as a bunch of girls yelled, “Shut up, Chad!” 

“He’s not laughing now, is he?” That was Blondie again, and he was right, Tall Cute Dude didn’t even have a hint of a smile on his face.

Tall Cute Dude went back to the mic and turned it off, causing Chris and Jensen to exchange a ‘what the fuck?’ look. Loud music filled the air and Jensen immediately recognized it as ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ by Guns N’ Roses. Tall Cute Dude started moving around a little like Axl Rose, lip synching to the song, and he wasn’t too bad. His friends were going ape shit, but really, it wasn’t all that impressive, just kind of amusing to start. However, as the song went on, Jensen had to admit the heat meter went way up. Tall Sexy Dude had the moves, swaying his hips, strutting and dancing across the stage better than Axl Rose. Way better. Like, times a thousand.

The crowd was getting into it and so was Jensen, especially when Tall Sexy Dude would raise his hands up in the air to do a shimmy. His t-shirt would rise up and expose his flat belly and the sharp contours of his hipbones. It was right about then – when Jensen could picture fingerprint bruises along that curve of bone – that he was pretty okay with the fact that Chris didn’t know how to take no for an answer. He sure as hell wasn’t thinking about much else when Tall Sexy Dude fell to his knees, his legs spread in a wide vee as he laid the rest of the way back onto the stage. If that didn’t have Jensen’s mouth hanging open at that moment, he was sure it was when Tall Sexy Dude slid his fingers inside the waistband of his jeans to the words ‘feel my, my, my serpentine.’ It was all just a tease, Jensen knew it was, but _dayum_!

Once the song was finished, Tall Sexy Dude whipped off the bandana, shoved it in his back pocket, and stood there breathing heavy while the crowd erupted into applause and shouts for more. He was smiling, but shook his head and hopped off the stage where he immediately had a beer shoved into his hand, and he chugged it down. Jensen couldn’t take his eyes off Tall Sexy Dude, watching his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed and didn’t that just make a pretty picture? Jensen couldn’t help imagining what he’d look like swallowing something else entirely.

When Tall Sexy Dude slammed the empty bottle on the table, Jensen followed the action, took in the way his long fingers curled around the bottle. Jensen knew he’d better get out of there because everything this dude was doing was a major fucking turn on. “I’m gonna hit the can,” he yelled in Chris’ direction as the juke box had started up again.

“Don’t take too long in there,” Chris said with a wink.

Jensen gave his friend a smack upside the head as he passed behind him. “Punk.”

He was not going in there to jerk off. If he wanted to do that, he’d wait to do it at home. When he was in bed and it was dark and quiet. Well, maybe with a song playing. He was pretty sure he had ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ on his iPod. It was a classic after all.

He shook his head and couldn’t believe how pathetic he was. He seriously needed to get laid if some random guy could get on a stage and cause Jensen to _plan_ on whacking off later. 

The bathroom wasn’t much better than the rest of the place – dingy and stinking of piss, shit and vomit. Jensen tried to hold his breath until he finished and hurried to the door. He had just reached out for the door handle, when the door burst open, hit him in the chest and knocked him back into the wall. “Jesus!” It didn’t really hurt, just surprised the hell out of him.

Tall Sexy Dude scurried past him and over to a urinal. “Sorry, dude, had to go bad or I’da pissed my pants. You okay?”

Jensen rubbed his chest and although it stung a little where the door had caught it, it wasn’t like he would be damaged for life or anything. Besides, if Tall Sexy Dude was in here, Jensen needed to be out. “I’m fine.”

“I’ll buy you a drink.”

“Forget about it,” Jensen said absently, concentrating more on the door, his hand going cautiously for it this time, not in the mood to get hit again by someone that had waited too long to relieve himself.

He was halfway down the hall when Tall Sexy Dude caught up to him, crowding up right beside him. “C’mon, man, I feel bad about nearly knocking you out like that. Just let me buy you a drink. My name’s Jared.”

Jensen didn’t even glance Jared’s way as he introduced himself. “Jensen. Look, dude – Jared, really, you don’t need to buy me anything. I was actually about to leave. My friend and I only came here to hear the band.”

“Oh.”

Jared sounded disappointed so Jensen turned to him and saw the small frown and felt a little guilty. “You did a good job with the song.”

“It started with a dare.” Jared shrugged, looking a little embarrassed. “My friends and I were trashed one night when we saw the video for ‘Welcome to the Jungle.’ Chad started imitating Axl and before long, we were all doing it. Sandy walked in on us and she said I was really good at it, but she’s probably biased, ’cause she likes me best. Then Chad bet me that I wouldn’t have the balls to do it at a party, and well… now I get asked to do it all the time.”

Jensen could certainly understand that. It was a scorching hot performance, one he could certainly watch over and over again. 

“You sure I can’t change your mind about that beer?”

Jensen couldn’t catch sight of Chris and what the fuck, it was only a beer, and a free one at that. Plus the guy pretty much just said he had a girlfriend. Seemed like it’d be harmless enough. “You know, actually, I could use a drink.”

“Cool,” Jared said with a grin as they walked up to the bar. The place had cleared out a little bit since there wasn’t going to be a live band and was being replaced by karaoke.

Jensen continued to scan the crowd, but Chris must have holed up in a dark corner with some chick to exercise his flirting skills after all. Deciding the bar was the easiest place to be found, Jensen sat on one of the empty stools and watched as a bunch of girls crowded around the karaoke machine to pick out their songs.

He was surprised when Jared sat down beside him. “Don’t you have to get back to your friends?” Jensen asked as he glanced at Jared’s friends at their table talking and laughing.

Jared hooked a thumb toward the bartender. “Waiting on my beer.”

“Right.” Jesus, could he act more like a jackass tonight? Of course Jared would want a drink as well.

“Are you gonna sing one?” Jared asked, canting his head toward the stage.

“Nah, karaoke isn’t my thing.”

“What is?”

There were so many ways to answer that question. “Uh –” Thankfully he was saved by the bartender setting their beers in front of them and Jensen took the opportunity to take a healthy drink.

“You know,” Jared continued, “you’re in the minority here.”

What was with this guy and all the talking? “I’m sorry. I don’t follow you.”

“You’re not in college, are you?

“No, I finished up with my graduate work over a year ago.”

“Thought so. I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but this doesn’t look like the place you would usually patronize.”

Jensen leaned back a little to get another good look at Jared. “And what type of place would I _patronize_?”

“I dunno,” Jared said looking up at the ceiling as if he were really giving it some thought, before lowering his eyes back down to Jensen’s. “You just don’t seem very comfortable here.”

“Understatement of the year,” Jensen muttered before taking another drink.

“So why are you?”

“Why am I uncomfortable?”

Jared snorted. “No. Why are you here?”

“My friend dragged me.”

“Oh right, for the band.”

Jensen raised his bottle to salute the correct answer. Looked like he wasn’t the only one that wasn’t paying attention.

“So where is your friend?”

“You ask a lot of questions.”

“That’s the only way to find out anything.”

“Not the only way.”

“No, but I don’t think you’d care to write your biography for me.”

Jensen grinned at that one. “True. So, Jared, why don’t you want to go back and hang out with your friends?”

“See, you’re good at asking uncomfortable questions, too.”

“It looked like you were having a good time with them before.”

Jared started to trace the label on his bottle with his finger as he said quietly, “Yeah.”

“And it seemed like even though they were giving you shit about getting up on the stage, they were digging your performance.”

“Just need a break from them sometimes.”

Jensen could relate. He turned back toward Jared’s friends and saw the girl that had given Jared the bandana staring at them with a frown. He wondered if that was Sandy.

“Think your girl’s looking for you.”

Jared turned as well and screwed up his face as if Jensen had accused of him of whipping babies. “Sandy? No way, man, she’s not my girlfriend.” 

He watched as Jared and Sandy held some sort of silent conversation which ended with Sandy giving Jared a nod and a slight smile.

“Oh, sorry. I just thought –”

“I’m not in a relationship right now. Sandy’s one of my housemates and a really good friend.” He sounded downright depressed about it.

“Hey, well, you’re young right? Plenty of time to find the right girl.”

“Mmmm,” Jared said elusively as he took a drink. 

“Trust me, relationships are a pain in the ass.”

“You just get out of one or avoid them like the plague?”

“Just got out.” Jensen took another pull on his beer, surprised he’d even said anything to this guy. Chris was the only one who knew the full story of what had gone down with Rick. Jensen was too embarrassed to share the particulars with the rest of his friends and family.

“I’m sorry, man,” Jared’s voice lowered slightly in sympathy.

“It’s not as bad as all that really.” Jensen held up two fingers to the bartender to get a couple of more beers. “We were only together six months.”

Jared looked at him, his eyebrows raised. “Get cheated on?”

“No, just – it wasn’t going to go anywhere. We were too different. _I’m_ too different.”

Jared canted his head and studied him for a moment. “Different how?”

Jensen took a deep breath. He’d never even admitted this to himself, but what the hell. Jared was a stranger, someone he’d never see again, so why not? “You know how you think of yourself a certain way? Like, when you’re growing up, you know when you’re going to start driving a car, when you’ll graduate high school, hopefully go to the college of your choice? You know when you’ll get your degree and then you’ll go looking for the perfect job. You know when it’s time to settle down and meet someone, you know the type of person to look for, and it’s time for a relationship.”

“So – you’re not like you had envisioned yourself?” Jared sounded like he was trying to riddle out the answer of a complicated puzzle.

“Something like that. It was time and I went for what I thought I wanted, but it turns out I was completely wrong.”

Jared looked over at him, his eyes sliding up and down Jensen’s body. “You don’t look wrong to me.”

Jensen laughed. “Dude, you don’t even know me. I could be a serial killer.”

“Are you?”

“I’d hardly tell you if I was.”

Jared scooted as far away from Jensen as he could without falling off his stool. “Ooookay. Well, remind me never to accept candy or a ride from you.”

“This is one weird ass conversation,” Jensen chuckled with a shake of his head.

“Seriously?” Jared’s voice dropped low as if he couldn’t believe it. Jensen didn’t want to even think about how the change of timbre did a funny flip thing to his stomach. “I’ve had, like, ten conversations just today that were stranger than this one.”

“Ten?” Jensen cocked his eyebrow.

“I live with Chad,” Jared said, pointing to one of his friends that was sitting between two women and talking with his hands. Blondie. “He’s the one with the big mouth.”

“He the one that told you to shake your ass?”

Jared rolled his eyes and this time Jensen could definitely see a blush on his face. “That’s him. He thinks he’s fucking hilarious and God’s gift to women. He also thinks that every thought that enters his brain is brilliant beyond comparison, which in some respects is true. But he needs to tell you about it. In detail. Like, he can go from talking about how waffles are made to crotch rot in nothing flat.” Jared visibly shook himself and made a gagging sound.

“Yeah, okay, you win. You probably have more disturbing conversations in one day than I have in a year.”

Jared chuckled into his beer. “Dude is smart, like genius level, but he has no common sense.” He turned his full attention back to Jensen. “So, you were saying? You had an epiphany or something?”

Jensen chuckled, but then waved his hand, wasn’t even sure how to begin. “It’s complicated.”

“Oh, sure, sorry. Didn’t mean to pry.”

“No, it’s not that. I’ve just had some shit luck lately. I was passed over for a promotion, I had a less than stellar visit with my family, and my boyfriend gave me the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ speech.”

“What happened with your family?”

Jensen couldn’t believe that out of all that, especially the part about his _boyfriend_ , Jared chose to focus on his family, but he sounded interested so Jensen went with it.

“I came out to them after I finished up with college, you know, felt like I was ready to take on the responsibilities of being a grownup and all that. It was a shock to them and they’re trying, God love ‘em, they really are, but it’s still really awkward whenever I go for a visit. Like they’re afraid to say or do the wrong thing around me. Rick’s parents, my ex, they practically threw him a coming out party. Real nice people, and they treated me like I was one of the family, and I know Rick was hurt and even a little pissed off that my parents didn’t feel the same about him.”

“That sucks,” Jared said with sympathy. “My parents were pretty cool about me coming out, but I’ve never brought a guy home yet, so I don’t know how that’ll go.”

“You’re gay?” Jensen asked doubtfully as he narrowed his eyes.

“Yeah,” Jared said sounding slightly offended. “I mean, who would admit to being gay if they’re not.”

“No, no, I –” Jensen flailed for a minute because he seriously couldn’t believe the guy he was only minutes before having masturbatory fantasies about was actually gay. “Just, you know, what are the odds of the two of us – in this bar – are gay and just struck up a conversation?”

Jared smiled. “I feel ya, man. Like college, it was supposed to be my big awesome liberation. I could have a boyfriend, not worry about who I was, if someone might take offense at me being gay. A normal life. But yeah, totally not like that.”

“I can’t believe you’ve never had a boyfriend.”

“I didn’t say I never had one,” Jared said with a snort. “I said I wasn’t in a relationship _now_.”

“Oh right.” Jensen was glad the bartender had finally gotten back around to them so he gratefully had something to focus on besides saying whatever the fuck popped into his head. Chris was right, he needed to get out more. “So – you realized there’s no such thing as a normal life?”

“I guess I just meant normal is a state of mind. My baseline for normal was a little off.”

“And now it’s not?”

“Well, my friends and family are fine with me, but other people, not always. They just think I’m this super-sized hick, oh and on top of that, I’m gay – there’s just a lot more hate out there than I thought. I know there’s a lot of bigots still around, just didn’t think it’d be that way at college. I guess I _am_ a giant loser.”

“Not as much as me. I was with Rick probably five months longer than I should have, tried to do things with him and for him that just weren’t… me. How stupid is that?”

“I dunno, did you love him?”

Jensen choked a little on his beer. Sometimes it was hard admitting to himself that he may not have loved Rick, but to say it out loud? Talk about uncomfortable questions! “Um, I think – I thought I did.”

“So what did you do with Rick that you didn’t like?”

Jensen hadn’t said that exactly and he was surprised that Jared had picked up on it. “I started hanging out with his friends. We went to the theater, ballet, and opera.” Jensen tried to keep his voice even; for all he knew, Jared liked those kinds of things. And really, it wasn’t that Jensen hated any of it, he’d had a good time at most of those events, but they weren’t high on his list of things he wanted to do on a regular basis.

“Why?”

“I was trying to do things that he liked, you know, expand my horizons a little. And then when I didn’t get the promotion, well, I guess Rick decided he’d had enough of my sorry ass.”

“Wait, he left you _because_ you didn’t get your promotion?”

Jensen gave that some thought. He’d basically told Jared that he’d only been going out with Rick because it was the kind of man Jensen thought he should be dating and that he perhaps had convinced himself he was in love with Rick. Jensen had been trying too hard to make things work that should have probably never been in the first place. He was really happier without Rick than he ever had been with him.

“No,” Jensen said quietly. “He left because I was trying to be someone I wasn’t.”

Jared gave him another assessing look. “I don’t mean to sound like a douche or anything, but you don’t really sound all that upset about it.”

“That’s probably the point.”

“What about your promotion, man? What do you do?”

“I’m a physical therapist. There was an opening for a supervisory position and I know I can do that job in my sleep.”

“Physical therapist? That’s awesome. Do you get to, like, work with people who injure themselves or are recovering from surgery?”

“Yeah,” Jensen said with a smile. “I like working with people, helping them, watching them get stronger, or relieve their pain even for just a little bit.”

“Cool.” And Jensen could tell by the way he said it and the look in his eyes, Jared really thought it was. “Did you find out why you didn’t get the promotion?”

“They gave it to someone older. I think it was political.”

“Political?” Jared asked his face scrunched up in confusion.

“Yeah, she’s been with the hospital for a long time. Maybe not so much based on qualifications as it was that they were ticking off some boxes on making sure they’re not going to be sued or something.”

“Ah,” Jared said with a nod. “How long have you worked there?”

“Just over a year. The supervisory position came up sooner than I thought it was going to and I hadn’t really planned on trying to move up for at least another year. I’m good with staying where I’m at for now.”

Jared looked at him for several moments, as if he was trying to figure something out.

“What?” Jensen asked, started to squirm under the scrutiny.

“I dunno,” Jared said with a shrug. “It sounded like you really like working with the people, helping them, you said. Would you be able to do that as a supervisor?”

“Sure, somewhat,” Jensen said slowly. No one had ever said anything like that to him before, questioned his decisions in life, his plans. “I do like working with the people, but you can’t stay stagnant in life. It feels good to push yourself, you know? Have goals in life. Barometers to meet.”

“Sure, man,” Jared said quietly as he put his hand on Jensen’s shoulder. “You just don’t have to be in a hurry to get there, right? Gotta enjoy life, too.”

“Yeah,” Jensen said absently, liking the feel of Jared’s hand on him and not wanting the conversation to end.

Jared dropped his hand and finished his beer and Jensen was afraid he was going to leave. “What about you? What’s your major?”

Jensen couldn’t believe how easy Jared was to talk to, how interested he was in his life even though they’d just met. He lost track of time and how many beers they’d had and when they switched to doing shots instead. Jared told him he was studying to be an engineer, had been accepted into the combined BS/MS program in chemical engineering, which meant he hopefully only had one more year to go before he graduated. Jared’s acceptance into one of the toughest programs at the university meant he had to be wicked smart. This told Jensen that Jared was like him, at least a little, by means of being a bit of an overachiever. 

Jensen admired Jared for this and felt an immediate kinship to him. Jensen had completed his Doctorate of Physical Therapy early by taking the heaviest class load he could as well as taking summer courses. He had wanted to graduate before most of his classmates so that he could get himself out into the job market and hopefully get the job he’d wanted, which he had. Just as planned.

Jared also had an older brother and younger sister, just like Jensen, and Jared was twenty-two to his twenty-six, which Jensen wasn’t so comfortable with, but hey, they were only talking here. No harm in that. They had similar tastes in movies and video games. And not only did Jared live with Chad and Sandy, but two other guys as well in a house near campus. Jared said that Sandy was like their house mother, occupying the top floor of the house and watching out for all of them.

He laughed as Jared described how he and Chad had tried to sneak into one of the dorms recently around two in the morning. Chad wanted to apologize to his girlfriend about something he’d said or done, but the whole thing was a comedy of errors. It probably didn’t help they were totally wasted at the time. Jensen was still laughing at the picture of Jared and Chad taking a running dive out of an open first story window to avoid getting caught, when he felt a hand land on his shoulder. “Making new friends?” Chris asked, close to his ear.

“Chris!” Jensen said loudly. “This is Jared.”

Chris gave a brief nod in Jared’s direction before turning his attention back to Jensen. “Time to go.”

“Nah, Jared and I are having a good time. You go on ahead.”

“C’mon, Jen, we gotta go. You’re drunk and I’m ready to leave.”

“Wait a second,” Jensen said with a frown, trying to think of a way to stretch out his time with Jared as much as possible. He looked at Chris. “Why don’t we drop Jared off at his place?”

Chris scowled at him as Jared said with a wide smile, “That’d be great if y’all don’t mind.”

“Please,” Jensen said with a pout that made Jared laugh and Chris curse under his breath.

Finally Chris threw his arms up before letting them fall back down to his sides and slap his thighs. “All right, let’s go, but now you owe _me_ dinner, asswipe.”

“Oh, dinner,” Jensen said with a frown as he turned back to Jared. “We should get some pizza on the way home. I never did get a chance to eat anything.”

“I ate – I think,” Jared said, and seemed to puzzle it over. “Yeah, I did, but I could totally go for some pizza.”

“Fine,” Chris sighed loudly. “Let’s just get the fuck out of here.”

“Awesome,” Jensen said. “Isn’t Chris a good friend?”

“Yeah, dude, the best,” Jared agreed before slinging his arm around Jensen’s shoulders, prompting Jensen to do the same with Jared.

They were doing fine walking, but had a little trouble at the door since they were still side by side and couldn’t fit through it.

“For the love of Christ,” Chris muttered behind them and gave Jensen a push to send him careening through the door, almost falling, which sent Jared into gales of laughter.

Jensen managed to stay on his feet, and stood, even if he might have swayed a little, his hands on hips, and looked back at them with a smile. Until he got a look at Chris’ face.

“Uh-oh, Chris is mad,” he said in a loud whisper.

“Is he gonna beat me up?” Jared asked, sounding worried.

“If either of you spew in my truck, you’re cleaning it up,” Chris said, stomping off without waiting to see if they followed.

“Don’t worry, he won’t beat you up, not as long as you’re with me,” Jensen assured Jared.

“Okay, cool.” Jared was back to smiling and Jensen decided that he loved it when Jared smiled. Yep, he loved that a whole lot. He was going to try to see if he could keep Jared smiling the whole ride home.


	2. Chapter 2

Jensen was afraid to open his eyes. His mouth tasted like shit and his head was pounding – loudly. He cracked open an eye and saw his bedroom bathed in light. At first he couldn’t tell if it was sunlight or not, so he opened his other eye. Yep, it was daylight. He started to look around, but even just moving his eyes made his head hurt worse. He needed to get up and take something for it. Like yesterday.

He sat up slowly and although his stomach was a little queasy, he felt well enough to try to make another move. Advil would help with the headache, but his bladder was in most need of attention at the moment. He scrubbed his hands across his face and looked down. He was still wearing his clothes from last night, although his feet were bare. He flexed his toes a few times and was happy that didn’t make any other part of his body hurt.

Once he’d hoisted himself up off the bed, he stood there a minute to give everything a chance to settle back down – he was still doing okay. He walked to the bathroom to relieve himself and bypassed the mirror altogether. No need to see what he already knew. He opened the medicine cabinet, but the bottle of Advil wasn’t there. He hoped there was some in the kitchen. He usually tried to keep a bottle there as well.

He went out into the living room and saw a heap on the couch covered in blankets. Chris must have decided to spend the night, which was more than okay with Jensen. They often crashed at each other’s place if the night before had been a little too much. He couldn’t really remember what time they’d gotten in last night, but if the conga drums he had going on inside his head were any indication, it wasn’t real early.

Without pausing, he walked into the kitchen and headed straight for the coffee machine, which by some miracle was on and there was almost a full pot ready to be gratefully consumed. He touched the carafe and made a satisfied grunt to find it hot. He pulled a mug out of the cupboard and poured the magical liquid in it.

“Finally awake,” Chris said from behind him.

Jensen turned. “Mornin’,” he said spotting Chris at the small dining room table in the corner of the kitchen. He was reading the newspaper, a box of donuts in front of him.

After he took his first sip of coffee, Jensen frowned. “Weren’t you just on the couch?”

“Nope,” Chris said, his eyes still on the paper. “And actually, it’s afternoon.”

Jensen walked to the large, arched doorway the separated the kitchen and living room. “Who’s that then?”

Chris folded the paper neatly, got up and came over to stand beside Jensen. “That would be Jared.”

“Oh fuck,” Jensen groaned as parts of the previous evening finally started to filter in. He sure hoped he didn’t have anything to apologize for, to Chris or Jared. “What’s he doing here? I thought – weren’t we going to take him to his dorm or whatever?”

“Don’t even get me started on that,” Chris said with a roll of his eyes. “You and Jared thought it’d be fucking hilarious for me to try to guess where he lived. And you had a hard-on for pizza like I’ve never seen, so it was just easier to get the damn pizza and bring you both here.”

Oh man, he didn’t even remember that. It’s a wonder Chris just didn’t drop their asses off somewhere and let them fend for themselves. But of course, Chris would never do that to a friend, even if said friend was acting like a high grade dumbass. “I’m in some serious need of Advil.”

“You should wake up Sleeping Beauty. His friends might be worried about him and you need to get him home.” It wasn’t said in a mean way, just a gentle push to remind Jensen that, yeah last night might have been fun and all, but it was time to get back to the hard, cold truth of reality – Jensen didn’t really know Jared at all.

“Right. Sure. Why didn’t we tell his friends when we were leaving last night?”

“You two were fucking hammered. I had my hands full just getting you two into the truck. I wasn’t gonna go looking for his friends.”

“Man, I’m sorry, Chris. I acted like a complete asshole, didn’t I?”

“Nothing as serious as all that. Besides, you weren’t the only one,” Chris said, eyeing the lump on the sofa.

“Sorry, dude,” the lump said with a groan. The blanket slowly inched down to reveal Jared’s face, but what Jensen found most interesting was that Jared was wearing Jensen’s baseball cap. “Please tell me you got enough Advil to go around.”

“Yeah,” Jensen said, spurred into action. He went to the cabinet and pulled out the bottle of Advil and as quietly as possible, shook out enough pills for him and Jared. He poured another mug of coffee and took it into the living room to find that Jared was now sitting up, at least mostly. His arms rested on his thighs and he had the blanket pulled around him. 

“Oh God, thank you,” Jared said as if Jensen had given him a million dollars, accepting the coffee and pills. 

“So, since you boys are both up and about, I can be on my way,” Chris said.

Jensen looked back at his friend, unable to put into words an adequate apology, but he wanted to at least try. “I’m –” 

Chris gave him a small, genuine grin and waved away anything Jensen might have said. “Don’t sweat it. How many times have you hauled my ass out of trouble?” He poked his head around the corner. “Nice meeting you, Jared.”

“Yeah, uh, thanks again, Chris,” Jared said with a tentative smile.

Once Jensen heard Chris’ truck fire up and pull out of the drive, he sat down on the sofa beside Jared. 

“I hope this didn’t screw up any of your plans for today.”

“Pretty sure I didn’t have any,” Jared said. “Besides, I do vaguely remember telling Chris he would never be able to guess where I fucking live.”

Jensen didn’t know what to say after that and the silence stretched awkwardly before them, broken only by the occasional slurps of coffee. Once his coffee was gone, he stared down into the empty mug. “I’m going to take a shower. You’re more than welcome to take one. After I’m done, I mean.” He hadn’t really meant to say that about taking a shower. He _had_ meant to say that he would take Jared home.

“Thanks. That would probably help me start to feel more human again.”

Great. Now he got to think about Jared being naked in his bathroom. 

Jensen stood and hooked his thumb back toward the kitchen. “Looks like Chris brought us some donuts if you’re hungry.”

“Not too sure about that, but some more coffee sounds good.”

“Help yourself.”

Jared stood, and Jensen had actually forgotten how tall he was. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had to look up at a guy, especially one he was attracted to. As Jared groaned and stretched, Jensen tried to be sneaky about looking at him, but he totally got busted when he reached Jared’s eyes to find them staring right back at him, a knowing smirk curving Jared’s lips.

“Sorry you got stuck on the couch last night,” Jensen said quickly to override his embarrassment.

Jared shrugged away his apology. “Eh, I’ve slept on worse.”

“Been there myself. So, um, help yourself and I’ll be back in a few.” 

He mentally beat himself in the head as he walked toward the back of the small house. Clearly his jackassery from last night had not left him. God, you’d think he could be just a little bit smoother than to keep repeating ‘help yourself.’

As he stepped into the shower stall he looked at the spray nozzle doubtfully. Jared might change his mind about taking a shower once he got a look at it. For whatever reason, it hung pretty low and he didn’t even come close to fitting underneath it. Jensen had to bend and twist his body to make sure he got clean. He’d never been inclined to even try to fix it since the stall was done in ceramic tile and it’d probably be a bitch to break apart, clean up and reinstall. He also knew his landlord wouldn’t be too enthusiastic about pitching in with the cost or labor. It was just something Jensen was willing to put up with and keep in mind for future reference when the time came to look for his own house.

Once he’d showered, brushed his teeth, and dressed, he spent a few minutes looking for his shoes. He always kept them on the floor of his closet, neatly lined up. Boots, sneakers, dress shoes. His sneakers were MIA. Finally giving up, he went out to the kitchen, keeping an eye out for his errant shoes.

He found Jared sitting in the kitchen, his head leaning against the wall, eyes closed. “Shower’s free,” Jensen said quietly.

Jared didn’t move his head, just opened his eyes and grinned. “Dude, your friend, Chris, is gonna be so pissed at you.”

Jensen was almost afraid to ask. “Why?”

“Remember how he said you insisted on getting some food last night?”

All sorts of crazy thoughts flashed through his brain about what he might’ve done with a pizza. “Yeah,” he said slowly.

“Pizza’s in the fridge, hasn’t even been touched.”

“I don’t even remember getting it,” he said sinking onto the chair opposite Jared. “Fuck, I don’t even remember getting _home_. And I can’t find my goddamn shoes.”

“I think one’s over by the front door,” Jared said. “You said your feet were hot and started kicking them off as soon as we got in the house.”

“My feet were hot,” he repeated, not even able to fathom what was going through his brain last night. “What the hell? Jesus, I must’ve been so wasted. How do you remember anything?”

“It’s a gift,” Jared said smugly.

Jensen decided to call bullshit on that one. “So you have total recall, huh?”

“Mmm, here and there,” Jared confessed. “I remember coming into the house, but I sure as hell don’t remember how I ended up wearing your hat.”

Which he wasn’t anymore, and Jensen thought it was kind of a shame. He liked seeing it on Jared.

“If you have other stuff to do, I can call one of my friends to come pick me up,” Jared said, his eyes locked on Jensen’s.

“Nah. I was just going to putter around the house, get some things done that I’ve been putting off for a while. Besides, I need to go out to the grocery store.”

“Yeah, dude, you need milk.”

“I do?”

“I wanted some for my coffee but what was in the fridge smelled pretty rank. I threw it out.”

“Oh, sorry.”

“It’s okay, man, I did use some of your sugar though.” Jared finally started to move, slowly standing up. 

“I put a pair of my old sweats in the bathroom if you’d like to have something clean to wear.”

Jared gave him a wide smile. “That’d be awesome.”

Jensen walked out into the living room with Jared to point him in the right direction for the bathroom. After he heard the door click shut, Jensen did indeed find one shoe by the front door. While he was folding the blankets on the sofa, he found the other one wedged in between the cushions. _That must’ve made for comfortable sleeping_ , he thought as he carried everything back to his bedroom.

He heard the shower curtain zip across the metal bar and then Jared shout, “Are you fucking kidding me? What? Did the Seven Dwarfs build this house or something?”

“I guess they couldn’t fathom someone suffering from gigantism stopping by,” Jensen yelled back with a laugh.

He could hear Jared continue to grumble, but the water turned on so he must have decided to suck it up. Jensen was still grinning as he put on his shoes and finished getting ready. His eyes were burning a little, and coupled with the headache, he decided not to bother with putting his contacts in and just wore his glasses.

Thankfully he found his phone and his keys on the kitchen table when he sat down to make out a grocery list. He’d been lazy this last month, not only bringing a lot of take-out home, but he would just stop by the corner drugstore whenever he needed something. He was probably paying two to three times more than he should. It was time he got his head out of his ass and get back on track.

He was hunched over the list as he tried to remember all the little things he needed when Jared walked back in.

“Dude, okay, you totally make up for having that freak shower with those awesome towels you have.”

Jensen looked up and grinned. Jared was all pink from the heat of the water and he was wearing Jensen’s clothes. It took him a moment to remember he was supposed to say something. “They’re a concession.”

“Towels are a concession?” Jared asked in disbelief as he sat down.

“It’s a… thing. Of mine.” He really didn’t want to get into all his idiosyncrasies on the first date. Although this really wasn’t a date, was it?

“What kind of thing?”

Jensen twirled the pen between his fingers a moment before answering. “My dad is really frugal. Like the frugalist frugal there is.”

Jared snorted.

“I know for a fact my parents have towels from twenty years ago, at least. They’re all threadbare and don’t even think about actually getting dry when you use them. But he won’t throw them away, and he makes my mom use them.”

“He makes her?” Jared asked, his eyes wide.

“Well, she told me that it’s always best to pick the fights you really want to win because you’re never going to win them all. She’s happy to lose out on towels for something else she’d rather have.”

“Okay, I get it,” Jared said with a lazy smile. “They are seriously the best towels I’ve ever had the pleasure of using.”

Jensen scratched at the back of his neck trying like hell not to think of Jared wrapped up in a big, dark blue, fluffy towel as he dried off. All of his body. _Yeah, not thinking about it. Right._ He cleared his throat. “So, um, I have a plan, you know, put so much money away for retirement and some for a house of my own and that means doing without a few things for now.”

Jared leaned back a little and regarded him for a moment. “That’s very grownup of you.”

“Gotta do it at some point,” Jensen said with a shrug. “It’s not like I’m a paragon or anything, I still fuck up about it, actually.”

“That’s just life though, isn’t it? Fucking up sometimes, learning from our mistakes. You’re probably miles ahead from most guys our age.”

“Well, having a dad that’s so tight with money he squeaks when he walks, you pick up a few things.”

Jared chuckled and when it fell away, the silence surrounded them. Jensen felt awkward and out of sorts. He was attracted to Jared, was reasonably sure Jared felt the same about him, but not being able to remember everything about last night made him feel uncertain. He stood up and tore the sheet off the pad of paper, folded it and stuffed it in his back pocket. “Ready to go?”

Jared stood as well. “Um, sure. Thanks for the clothes.”

Jensen let his eyes sweep over Jared. The sweatpants were too short but the shirt wasn’t as bad, except that Jared’s arms were too long. Jensen just nodded, didn’t trust his voice because Jared looked adorable, and hot, and so very fuckable.

He grabbed his keys and phone and headed for the back door, heard Jared follow him. The ride was quiet, only interrupted by Jared’s soft spoken directions. Jensen wasn’t surprised at the location of Jared’s house when they pulled up in front of it. It was just a few miles from the university and the neighborhood was full of rental homes for students. The houses were pretty much run-down, but the kids that lived there only needed a roof over their head to get them through the school year and maybe host some parties. They didn’t much care what it looked like.

Now that it was finally time to say goodbye, Jensen wasn’t sure how. Knew he didn’t _want_ to, but Jared had been so subdued during the ride, it was kind of doing Jensen in and he was back to being a fumbling teenager asking for his very first date. “So, um, maybe we could hang out again?”

It was a relief to see Jared’s wide smile back again. “Yeah, I’d totally like that.”

“I’ll give you my number.”

“Yeah, about that,” Jared said, ducking his head. “Uh … I kinda programmed mine into your phone while you were in the shower. I didn’t look at anything else, I swear.”

Jensen believed him – or maybe he just needed to believe because he liked Jared. A lot. “Kinda, huh?” he teased.

Jared’s face became a little flushed and he murmured, “I had a good time with you, Jensen.”

“I did, too.”

“Awesome!” Another megawatt smile and then Jared was hopping out of the car, leaning down to look at him. “Talk to you later then?”

“You bet.”

He watched as Jared got out, slammed the door shut and then jogged up the stairs and into the house. Jensen sat there for a minute as he went over the morning through his head. Sure it had been full of awkward moments, but the end result wasn’t something that Jensen was going to complain about. He mentally added a case of beer to his grocery list for Chris.

~o0o~ 

Jared was glad most of his housemates were either gone or sleeping when he finally made it through the door. Sandy was on the couch reading and she looked up, but quickly back down again. He knew she was disappointed in him, and he supposed she had a right. After all of his bitching and moaning about finding a nice guy and not wanting one night stands any more, it had to look as if he’d just gone and done exactly that.

He didn’t want to stop and explain anything right now; he just needed to get to his room. God, Jensen probably thought he was fucking psycho. Jared hadn’t been able to do more than mumble out ‘turn here’ when necessary. But damn, he just couldn’t stop staring at Jensen – more specifically his wrists. Who knew Jared had a kink about guys wearing leather bracelets? Jensen had an awesome body to begin with – tall and lean, gorgeous lips and those eyes – but when Jared had spied that double band of braided leather on Jensen’s right wrist with just a bit of skin showing between each band, he just could _not_ stop looking at it. He was so fucking hard, made all the worse by wearing Jensen’s clothes.

He got to his room, slammed the door shut, and leaned against it as he threw his dirty clothes onto the floor. He jammed his hand down the front of the sweatpants and wrapped his fingers around his cock, the head already slick with pre-come. As he stroked himself, he took hold of the collar of the shirt and brought it up to his nose, breathed in deeply. It didn’t smell like Jensen, only fresh and clean, which was a bit of a disappointment, so instead he tried to remember everything he could about Jensen. He wanted to make it last, so he slowed the rhythm down a little, stuffed some of the shirt in his mouth and pictured Jensen walking in the door of the bar last night.

Oh yeah, he’d seen him. Jared had been on his way back to the table with a couple of fresh pitchers of beer. Jensen’s hat had been low over his eyes, but that didn’t diminish a thing about him. Jared had watched Jensen instead of where he was going and almost spilled beer all over the place. Chad had quickly stood to help, or maybe he just wanted to be sure that he wasn’t going to have to buy the next round quite so fast. At any rate, it pulled Jared’s attention away from Jensen and when he looked back up, Jensen was talking to a girl at the bar. Jared felt a small stab of disappointment, but then Jensen turned and his body language screamed _not interested_. Jared had sat down with a thud – it wasn’t like anyone was going to miss him in a crowd – so that he’d have more time to watch and not give himself away. 

If he was being truthful with himself – and right then he was because he was too far gone to do anything else – he’d gotten up on that stage to perform for Jensen and Jensen alone.

He heard his own muffled moan as he focused on the few times he’d actually been able to see Jensen in the crowd and how hot he’d looked and it had given him even more courage to go a little overboard with his antics. Jesus, Jensen’s mouth drove him insane. He wanted to kiss him so bad this morning. Wanted to know how he would taste, and God, what sounds Jensen would make if he ever got the chance to do any of those things. And grab onto his wrists, one bound by a wide watch band, and the other with that double leather bracelet. His breath sped up as well as his hand. The pleasure felt like it was coming up from his toes and shooting out of him. He arched his back as his shoulders pressed into the door as he came in Jensen’s pants.

Letting his body relax, he leaned against the door in support and let the shirt fall from his mouth as he relished in the aftershocks. It was a while before he finally moved and cleaned himself up, changed his clothes and threw Jensen’s in his hamper to wash later.

He made a stop in the bathroom to brush his teeth and wash his hands before he went into the living room and sat down on the couch. 

“Did you have fun last night?” Sandy asked, not looking up from her book.

“Yes, but not the way you think.”

He got a brief glance for that one. “Hmph.”

“I –”

She lay her book in her lap and looked at him with a mix of anger and hurt. “You ditched us, Jared. You didn’t even say anything. Just left!”

“But you –”

“Was he worth it?”

“I don’t know. Maybe,” he said quietly.

Her mouth opened and closed and she eyed him suspiciously and since she finally wasn’t talking, he forged on. “I’m sorry for not letting you know I was leaving. I was really wasted.”

She snorted, but the anger seemed to be draining from her.

“I want to get to know him better, and I swear to God nothing happened between us. I slept on his couch the whole night. Fully clothed. He was in his bedroom.”

“You weren’t wearing _your_ clothes when you got home.”

“He let me take a shower, gave me something clean to wear.”

“Nothing happened?”

He shook his head and put his hand over his heart. “Swear.”

She sighed and gave him a grin. “How come I can never stay mad at you?”

“Because I’m adorable.”

“Well, to be honest, I thought you’d end up going home with him since you were talking to him for hours and hours.”

“It was hours and hours?” It hadn’t seemed like that.

“When are you going to see him again?”

“I don’t know yet. We exchanged numbers though.” No way in hell he was going to tell her that he’d misappropriated Jensen’s phone to do that.

“Just be careful.”

She always told him that because she was a good friend and she also knew about his tendency to just jump into things without much thought about the outcome. He appreciated and loved her for that. “You wanna go out for breakfast?”

“It’s three o’clock in the afternoon, Jared.”

“I’m starving and I haven’t had any breakfast or lunch yet. Let’s go to IHOP. I want pancakes.”

“You don’t have to take me out. I’ve already forgiven you.”

“Okay then, your treat.” He gave her his most charming smile.

“No way! Last time I treated you I was broke for a week.”

“Hey, I can’t help it if I need lots of fuel for this body.”

“You need lots of something, all right,” she said sarcastically.

“C’mon, San, come to breakfast with me,” he pleaded, as he switched to the sad, pleading face. “I was only kidding about you paying. I’ll buy you whatever you want.”

She put her book on the coffee table and stood up. “Okay, okay,” she said with what he thought was an overly-dramatic sigh. “Quit with the pouty face, I’ll go with you, but I’m not really hungry. You only want the company, I get it. Let me go get changed.”

He used the time to type out a text to Jensen.

_Dont 4get milk!_

His thumb hovered over the send button, not sure if he was being a moron or not. Maybe Jensen was just being nice to him about wanting to call him. He hadn’t seemed upset when Jared had confessed about the temporary phone abduction. Jared hit the button before he could talk himself out of it. 

It seemed like it took forever for his phone to buzz.

_Nag._

Jared smiled and quickly typed in another response.

_Just looking out 4 u. Need all ur food groups._

_Yes mom. Anything else?_

_Nope. That should do it._

It was a couple of minutes with no response and he thought they were done and he felt okay about that. Sandy came downstairs and it wasn’t until they were in his truck that his phone buzzed again.

_How about dinner tomorrow? You like steak?_

Jared didn’t even have to think about it. 

_Yes & yes_

_Come by around 6._

_Awesum!_

_See you then._

Jared was sitting there behind the steering wheel smiling and he probably looked like a big dork, but he couldn’t manage to give a crap about it. 

“All finished now?” Sandy asked a bit sarcastically.

“Oh, shit. Sorry!” They hadn’t even pulled away from the curb yet, which was probably a good thing since he had been texting.

“Good news I take it?”

“Jensen invited me over for dinner tomorrow.”

“That’s great, Jared.” She sounded pleased for him and he was grateful for that. “So, tell me about him.”

He was still talking about Jensen as he finished off his second stack of pancakes. “You know, he’s kind of an enigma. He rents this little shithole of a bungalow in the crappiest part of town ’cause he wants to save money for a house. I mean, he has a good job and all, but he like, splurges on the weirdest shit.”

“Such as?” Sandy asked as she leaned her elbows on the table.

“Towels.”

She reared back in her seat and wrinkled her nose. “Towels?” 

“I know, right? Who buys these great big, fluffy towels to dry off with but puts up with a shower head that is hung four feet off the ground.”

“Nuh-uh,” Sandy said with disbelief.

“Well, it’s not that low, but it can’t be much higher than five. I had to be a contortionist to get clean above my shoulders and there’s not that much difference in our heights, so he can’t be very comfortable in that shower. He said the towels are a concession he makes.”

“Towels?” Sandy repeated again with the same nose wrinkle.

“Yeah. I mean, I loved his towels, they are like the most awesome towels I’ve ever used, but from the looks of his place – second-hand furniture, appliances from the ’70s – he’s just waiting to get to the next big thing in his life. Which is a house of his own, I guess. But why put up with all that and indulge himself on what? Freakin’ towels?”

“But that’s good, isn’t it? I mean a lot of people get out of college and just blow all their money on stupid crap and then ten – twenty years down the line, they have nothing to show for it. Just indulgences that really didn’t bring you any happiness.”

“He’s also already socking money into a retirement account.”

“Oh, horrors,” Sandy said, her eyes getting big with mock astonishment. “Seriously, these are not bad things, Jared.”

“You’re right,” he conceded as he looked down at his plate and stabbed at his pancakes to let the syrup penetrate. “It’s just that I don’t know many twenty-six year-olds that are this focused on their goals.”

“Just because _you_ don’t know them, doesn’t mean they don’t exist. God, I can only hope I’m that together when I’m his age.”

The conversation was getting a bit too heavy as far as Jared was concerned. He didn’t need to psychoanalyze Jensen; he just wanted to date him. 

“I know this for sure, Jensen is damn sexy when he wakes up in the morning. His eyes all sleepy and squinty looking, like he’s ready to fall back to sleep any second, with his hair messed up, and voice low and scratchy. Oh, and did I mention the glasses? Because, _damn_.”

“You sure that’s his normal sleepy-looking self or because of a hangover?” She smiled at him and he was pretty sure that she had him all figured out, but was willing to indulge him in his change of subject, even though it was still all about Jensen.

“Good question. I’ll have to do some investigation into it.”

“Mmm, yes, I can see where this needs serious study.”

“And I’m just the guy to do it.”

~o0o~ 

There were other things that Jared wanted to find out as well. Jensen’s watch and double banded leather bracelet still gave him that little kick of excitement in the pit of his stomach whenever he thought about them. When he and Sandy had gotten back home, Chad was in the living room playing Guitar Hero. Chad always wore a watch that could do about a million different things. He was a huge gadget freak, always needed the latest and greatest, to study and figure out all its ins and outs.

Jared stared at him for several moments. He could see the watch as Chad moved his fingers on the buttons over the fret of the guitar. It didn’t do a thing for Jared, maybe for the simple fact that he wasn’t the least bit attracted to Chad. He walked in front of the TV, which in turn made Chad bitch about missing a few bars of the music, but Jared didn’t care, his mind already on his computer.

Once settled in his room, he booted up his laptop and went to Google images and looked up all the hot guys he could think of, specifically looking for ones that had something on their wrist. It was interesting to discover that not all of them brought out the same rush of excitement as Jensen did. Jared went back through several pictures, saving some to his computer that he really liked so he could compare them. He found what really got him going was the structure of the arm, the wrist, and how wide the band was that they wore. 

He also veered off a little in a different direction and went looking into restraints, wondering if maybe he was kinkier than he thought. His eyes were burning by the time Chad burst through his door a few hours later. Being the nosy sort, he looked over Jared’s shoulder.

“Dude, I didn’t know you were into that shit!”

“I don’t think I am,” Jared answered honestly. The wrist restraints might not be too bad, but it made him uncomfortable to think of being tied up – or tying someone else up – not being able to move and be at the mercy of someone else, even if he did trust them.

“Then why are you looking at it?”

“Research.”

“What class is this and where do I sign up?”

“It’s not for a class, you freak.” He closed all of the open windows on his desktop and powered down his laptop. “What are you doing in here anyway?”

Chad flopped down on Jared’s bed and levered himself up, supported by his elbows. “You wanna go out? Get some grub?”

“Nah, I got some laundry to do and I need to get some reading done.”

“That’s what Sundays are for.”

“I’m going out tomorrow.”

“Oh yeah? The dude from the bar last night?”

“Yeah.”

Chad smirked. “That good, huh?”

“We’re not twelve anymore, you know. I’m not telling you about my dates.”

“What? Stating whether he’s good or not isn’t giving me any information at all, man. Positions and how many times you came, now that’s details.”

“I thought you didn’t like hearing about my big gay love life.”

“I’m not going to get off on it, but I’m here for you, man, if you need to talk.”

“No.”

“I mean, if you want to know about bondage –”

“Dude!” Jared interrupts loudly. “Remember the rule about not sharing your sex stories, especially when not asked?”

“Okay, okay,” Chad said with a chuckle. “You want me to bring anything back for you?”

“No thanks, I’ll just grab a couple of PB and Js later.”

“Man, your life is so fucking boring, like with a capital B. You need to go out and have more fun.”

“Gosh, what would I do without your sage advice?” Jared said sarcastically.

“Aww, you’re welcome, man,” Chad said with sincerity, obviously deciding to ignore the sarcasm. “Anything to further the cause.”

“What cause would that be?”

Chad gave him a ‘duh’ look. “The ‘get Jared a boyfriend’ one.”

“Uh, yeah, you’re not allowed to do that. Ever. I seriously have to think about whether you can even meet Jensen.”

Chad screwed up his face. “Jensen? What the fuck kind of name is that?”

“Not helping your cause, dude.”

“I thought we were on your cause, not mine.”

Jared rubbed a hand across his forehead. “You give me a headache.”

“And now my work here is done.”

“Thank God for small miracles.”

Chad opened his mouth to reply but thankfully Sandy interrupted with a yell, “Murray, if you’re coming you better get your ass out here in two seconds or we’re leaving without it!”

“Later, dude,” Chad said as he jumped to his feet and crashed out the door.

~o0o~ 

Jared wasn’t the type to get nervous about going on dates. He was a roll with the punches kind of guy. If there was an uncomfortable silence, no problem, he just started yammering until a subject came up that the other person could chime in on. The most serious things in his life were his family and college. Until now. He was jittery and could hardly sit still all day Sunday. Even his friends picked up on it and teased him unmercifully.

When it was finally time to leave, Jared’s stomach was one big knot and he wasn’t sure if it was because he couldn’t wait or because he was dreading it. Being nervous about a guy was new to him and he didn’t know what to do with that. He was also worried about whether or not Jensen would be wearing the bracelet again. If he did, Jared was fucked in so many different ways and none of them good. No way would he be able to keep his mind in the game and out of the bedroom, and what kind of impression was _that_ going to make?

“Jesus, just calm the fuck down,” he muttered to himself as he walked up the steps to Jensen’s front door.

Jensen answered the door with his cell phone pressed to his ear. He gave Jared a rueful smile and mouthed the word ‘mom’ as he motioned Jared in. Jensen closed the door behind him before walking to the kitchen. But Jared kind of froze, because sure as shit, Jensen was wearing the bracelet. And the watch. And, oh yeah, Jared was already getting a hard on. Dammit! He was so stupid to jerk off thinking about Jensen, and Jensen’s arms, and Jensen’s wrists – shit, Jensen’s everything. Jared felt like a doofus standing there with Jensen’s freshly laundered sweats rolled up under his arm, his dick filling up, and his mouth going dry with a continuous loop of a naked Jensen wearing only the leather bracelet.

After a moment Jensen came back to stand in the archway between the kitchen and living room with a puzzled look on his face. “Yes, Mom, I promise. I gotta go… Yes, I know… I have company… Yes, it is… All right, talk to you soon… Love you, too.” He flipped the phone shut and walked back into the living room. “Sorry about that. I think my mom has ESP or something. She always calls when I’m in the middle of something.”

“Yeah that’s how moms are.” Moms are also good at deflating erections with lightning speed, so that’s what Jared concentrated on – his mom, Jensen’s mom and any other mom he could possibly think of – and soon he was pretty much back to normal. “Oh, uh, I brought your clothes back. Thanks for letting me borrow them.”

“Not a problem,” Jensen said with a slow and easy smile as he took the sweats from Jared and went into his bedroom. On Jensen’s way back through to the kitchen, he asked, “You want a beer or something?”

“Beer would be good.” 

“How do you like your steak?” Jensen called from the kitchen.

Jared finally forced his feet to move and he followed Jensen. “Medium rare.”

“That’s how I like mine, too,” Jensen said with a grin as he handed him a beer.

And of course, the leather bracelet was right there in his face again as Jared accepted the bottle from Jensen. “That’s a fucking awesome bracelet,” Jared said before he could stop himself.

Jensen looked down at his wrist, twisted it back and forth. “Thanks. I don’t get to wear it that often.”

“Really? I think you should wear it all the time. Umm, I mean, why not?” _Fucking smooth, you moron_!

Jensen looked back up at him, a grin pulling at the corner of his mouth. “Can’t wear any type of jewelry at work. Except maybe a watch.”

“Sure, that makes sense.” Not really, but Jared was willing to go along with it.

“I’m gonna go out back and fire up the grill. Back in a second.”

Jared nodded and took a few deep swallows of his beer and looked around the kitchen. It hadn’t changed at all since yesterday and he was hit again with how dumpy the place looked. Not in cleanliness, Jensen seemed like he was a person that liked order, so it was tidy. The floor was covered in yellowed linoleum that had definitely seen better days, along with the appliances and the countertops. 

When Jensen came back in, Jared said the first thing that popped into his head. “Dude, why do you even live here?”

Jensen actually chuckled, which was a relief since Jared realized too late that his question could have definitely been taken as an insult. 

“It’s close to where I work and I can afford it on my own without having to worry about a roommate. I’m willing to put up with some not so nice stuff now so I can have better later.”

“It’s not that great of a neighborhood either.” It reminded him of his, actually; lots of rentals with a high tenant turnover. Except he was pretty sure the crime rate was higher here.

“Well, when you don’t have a lot of crap, you don’t really worry about someone breaking in to steal it.”

“Uh huh. So you’ve had this argument before,” Jared said with a knowing grin.

“My mom. She reminds me at least once a month that I need to find a better place to live. My friends don’t really care for it either. Not big enough to hold any parties, no extra bedroom to crash in if needed, and of course, there’s my shrinky dink shower.”

“But then there’s the towels,” Jared said reverently.

Jensen laughed and now Jared got why people always told him things about his own smile. Jensen’s whole face changed – younger, more carefree, and sexier, which Jared hadn’t even thought was possible. 

“I guess they don’t share our appreciation for awesome towels.”

“Fools,” Jared laughed.

Jensen got the steaks out of the fridge. “You wanna come out with me while I cook these?”

“Sure,” Jared said, feeling at ease once again like he had Friday night at the bar.

And it was easy between them as Jensen cooked and then as they ate. They talked more about their families and Jensen shared some things about his job and they swapped college stories. When dinner was over, Jensen suggested a DVD.

“Your choice,” Jensen said, gesturing to the bookshelf that had two shelves devoted to movies. 

As Jared perused the titles, he was not exactly surprised that there was a good mix of action, drama, comedy and horror. They all seemed to suit Jensen. Jared was tempted to pick a horror movie, because come on, horror movies were awesome But as he glanced back at Jensen getting all comfortable on the couch – kicking his legs up onto the coffee table, throwing his arm over the back of the sofa – that type of movie didn’t seem conducive to the vibe they already had going. Comedy and romance were out because he didn’t want to seem too desperate. No chick flicks on their first official date. That left drama or action. He picked ‘The Dark Knight’ because he hadn’t seen it in a while and it was a good movie. He slipped the DVD out of its case and into the player before he joined Jensen on the couch, sat close, but not right on top of him.

“Nice,” Jensen said quietly as the menu came up. “One of my favorites. Some awsome kick ass scenes in it.”

As the movie progressed, Jared made himself more comfortable by leaning toward Jensen and it wasn’t long before Jensen’s arm moved from the back of the couch onto Jared’s shoulders. Jared wasn’t quite sure, but it felt like Jensen was reeling him in a little, fitting him against his side and Jared wasn’t going to complain about that at all. When Jensen whispered his name in his ear, it sent a quick pulse-wave of pleasure through his body.

Jared turned his head to look at Jensen and he knew Jensen wanted to kiss him, could see it in his eyes and Jared just _wanted_. Their lips met, tentative at first, but when Jensen’s tongue traced an outline against his lips, Jared quickly opened them. Jensen’s tongue was hot and wet as it gently stroked against his and explored his mouth.

It wasn’t really the most comfortable position and Jared started to move, twisting and lowering his body onto the couch, Jensen following him willingly. Jared was laid out underneath him, and he fit perfectly between Jared’s legs. 

Jensen broke off the kiss and looked into Jared’s eyes, then down to his lips. Jared could feel Jensen’s body tense up for a moment and he prepared himself for the onslaught, wanting it and needing it. He arched up against Jensen, hoping it conveyed all that, but when Jensen finally kissed him again, it was soft and slow. And, oh God, that was okay, too. It was all so very good.

Jared moved his hands slowly up Jensen’s back, felt the contours of bone and muscle. He stayed with Jensen’s pace, moving slow and deliberate as he worked his hands underneath Jensen’s t-shirt. The skin was warm, almost hot, and Jared spread his fingers wide to touch as much of it as possible. They only kissed and touched, nothing frenzied, just languid movements as they discovered each other.

He had no idea how long they had been making out, but the menu screen for the movie was on its continual loop when Jensen finally pulled away. Jared’s instinct was to pull him back close, felt a brief moment of loss, but let Jensen go so they could both sit up. 

“Guess we missed most of the movie,” Jensen said, looking a little unsure and shy.

“I don’t mind,” Jared said with a grin. “It’s not like we can’t watch it again sometime.”

“Yeah,” Jensen said quietly and his expression changed a little, more soft and confident. “I had a good time, Jared, and I don’t just mean the last hour or so.”

“Me too.” 

“Good.”

Jared stood and stretched. “Better get home and get some sleep. Mondays are a bitch.”

“Yeah, I have to get into work early tomorrow,” Jensen said, standing as well.

Jared moved over and wrapped his arms loosely around Jensen’s waist, giving him a proper kiss goodnight. “Call you later,” he said softly.

“Okay.”

They seemed content to stand there, Jensen’s hands resting lightly on Jared’s hips, and again, not something Jared was going to complain about. A few more kisses and Jared pulled away, walked to the door, Jensen right behind him.

Another lingering kiss before Jared said, “G’night.”

“Night, Jared.”

As he walked to his truck, Jared’s smile was so wide it almost hurt. Once he’d settled behind the steering wheel, he rolled his window down, stuck his arm out and waved. Jensen was in the doorway, watching him as he left, and Jared couldn’t remember when he’d felt this goddamn good.


	3. Chapter 3

Jensen usually went into work early to take advantage of one of the perks available to him. Employees were allowed to use the equipment on their own time and since the hospital was never closed, he always had access. Mondays, however, was team meeting days, bright and early, so sometimes he didn’t always make it in on time for his workout. This morning, however, he was still on a high from his date with Jared last night and didn’t have a problem waking up and getting ready to come in. He was there in plenty of time.

He was half-way through his cardio when his boss, Jeff Morgan, stopped by the treadmill.

“Morning, Jensen,” Jeff said with a friendly smile.

“Morning,” Jensen said and made a move to slow the machine down, but Jeff just waved him off. 

“No, go ahead and finish. I’d like to see you in my office as soon as you’re done with this though. Before the meeting?”

“Yeah, almost done,” Jensen lied, worried now. He liked Jeff, liked the whole team he was on, in fact. His boss wanting to see him alone beforehand seemed ominous. Jeff usually wasn’t one for coming in early. Jensen cut down on his time by twenty minutes, wiped off the machine, and headed for Jeff’s office.

Jeff’s door was open and Jensen popped his head in. “Okay if I hit the shower first?”

“Sure,” Jeff said, briefly looked up from his paper work, but had another smile on his face. It couldn’t be too bad then, right? He’d hardly be smiling at Jensen if he was about to fire him. At least that’s what Jensen kept telling himself.

Jensen hurried through his shower and got dressed in record time. When he made it back to the office, Jeff sat back in his chair, lacing his fingers over his belly and said quietly, “Close the door, will you?”

As the door made a soft click behind him, Jensen tried to control his breathing. He hadn’t had a one-on-one discussion directly related to his job with Jeff since Jensen had been hired. The closest they’d gotten to that was when Jeff would stop by while Jensen was working with a patient to supervise the progress or whatever.

“I’m sure you know it was me that prevented you from getting the promotion.”

“Uh, no, I didn’t.” That _was_ news to Jensen. He thought, as he’d told Jared, it was because the person that gotten the job was because they had been with the hospital for a long time.

Jeff tilted his head and looked at him curiously. “Your direct supervisor has input on any job you bid on within the hospital.”

“Oh, of course.” God, he felt like such an idiot. He hadn’t realized that Jeff wasn’t confident in his abilities. “You didn’t think I was qualified?”

“No, I think you would be an excellent supervisor. Some day. You’re one of my best PTs, Jensen. You work so well with the patients, it’s like you were born to do it. A supervisory role would take you out of that environment for the most part. You would be leading the team, sure, but you wouldn’t have the daily contact with the patients. I didn’t think you were ready to give that up yet.”

Everything Jeff said was true. Jensen did love working with the patients, that wasn’t a lie. And after this weekend, he’d realized how much he wanted to stay in his current position for a while. It was the last part of what Jeff had said that concerned Jensen.

“I’ve done something to make you think otherwise, sir?”

Jeff huffed out a small laugh. “Don’t call me sir just ’cause you think you’re in trouble. You’ve always called me Jeff and I’d like you to continue to do so.”

Jensen took a moment to collect his thoughts. “I don’t quite understand why you called me in here, Jeff.”

“I’m getting to that,” Jeff said with a slight frown. He scratched at his beard as he regarded Jensen thoughtfully. “When you found out you were passed over for the promotion, your attitude was a bit off.”

“I’m sorry about that,” Jensen said and felt a flush spread across his face. “You’re right, I don’t really want to be a supervisor, I just – I thought it was a natural progression I should be following and I know I’m qualified to do the job. I was a bit surprised is all.”

“So, you’re still on board with the team? You’re happy here?”

“Yes. I enjoy working with everyone on the team. You’ve taught me a lot.”

Jeff chuckled. “You don’t have to kiss my ass, Jensen. Just tell me straight up what was going on.”

Jensen scratched at the back of his neck. “I… It was something that I thought I wanted. I’ve been here over a year and when the position was posted, I thought it would be foolish not to go for it. When I was passed over, I admit it stung a little and I may have…” Jensen took a deep breath and decided he needed to take full responsibility for his actions. “I brought things happening in my personal life into work with me. I apologize for that.”

“And now how do you feel about things?”

“I want to be here, Jeff. You’re right, I’m not ready to give up working with patients yet.”

“And if a position opens up, say six months from now?”

“I don’t think I would apply for it, but I promise I’ll come and talk to you should I decide otherwise, get your input.”

“All right, sounds fair,” Jeff said with a nod. “Now… here’s the other reason I wanted to talk with you. I’d like to assign you to a special case this week. Young boy, injured in a MVA. His mother didn’t survive.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah,” Jeff said sadly. “He’s got a lot of issues, not the least of which is being paraplegic.”

“Is he still in the hospital then?”

Jeff nodded. “They’ll be moving him to the rehab section by Thursday most likely. He’s angry, Jensen, and afraid.”

“His age?”

“Fourteen.”

“Oh, Jesus.” He couldn’t imagine losing his mom at such a young age and in such a tragic way. “What about his dad?”

“Dad’s feeling guilty as hell. He was supposed to be driving that night, they were to go to some school function, but he got tied up at work or something and didn’t go. That left mom and the boy on their own. 

“They’re both going to be in counseling, but it’s too soon for any type of resolution to come about on that end. This kid is gonna fight you, Jensen. Tooth and nail. I need you to be on your toes with this one.”

“I will be.” And Jensen meant it. No way was he going to let his boss or the young boy down.

Jeff slid a large file across the desk to him. “I need your plan for him by Wednesday morning at the latest. I know we have a full schedule this week and I can’t move any of your current patients around. It’s going to mean some overtime, but I want you to be the one on this.”

“You got it,” Jensen said, flipping through the emergency room reports and the surgeries that had already been performed.

“Any ideas as to who you want as your second on this?”

Jensen looked up from the file, thinking over his choices. They had a good team assembled, but not everyone would be good for this case. There was one person, though, that Jensen thought would be perfect. “Katie Cassidy,” he said.

“Good choice,” Jeff said with a nod of approval. “She’s good with kids.”

Katie was a therapy assistant and very good at her job. She was young, and although she was good with all types of people, she had an easy way with kids. Jensen could tell she loved working with them and that was going to be a big asset in this case.

“We’ll go over the case at the morning meeting, you can tell her then.” Jeff said.

Jensen spent the rest of the time before the team meeting going over Drew Robinson’s file. He was anxious to get started on developing a plan and hopefully being able to help the teenager.

~o0o~ 

Jensen was doing some research through lunch as he’d never been the lead for a patient this young before. He’d worked with paraplegics, but an adult mind was easier to understand. He wanted to be as prepared as possible for his first meeting with Drew and his father Ben.

“Hey,” Katie said, coming up to the desk, cocking her hip against it. “Thanks for picking me to work with you on the Robinson case.”

“No thanks necessary. I’m counting on you to help me through this. It’s gonna be difficult.”

“No kidding,” Katie said with a sigh. “I’m not looking forward to the beginning. In fact, I’m kinda petrified.”

“You?” Jensen asked, taken aback. Katie always came across as self-assured.

“Who wants to mess up when a kid is involved? Especially one that’s been through so much already.”

“You want to be reassigned?”

“No?” She looked genuinely conflicted.

Jensen could sympathize. “You said it yourself, Katie, it’s not going to be easy. If you want to pass, no harm, no foul.”

“Oh, who am I kidding? As soon as I see him, my heart is going to melt and I’ll kick myself if I’m not on his case. Count me in,” she said with a smile.

“Great!” he said, returning the smile. “Once Jeff approves the plan, I’d like to meet, but I’m pretty booked this week, how about Thursday evening after work?”

“I can handle that,” she said amicably. “When would I get to meet Drew?”

“Not until Monday at the earliest.” Although he could technically have Katie in on his initial meeting with Drew and his dad, there was really no reason for her to be there. Until he got a feel for both Robinsons, he wanted to limit Katie’s exposure to them.

“Sounds good. I’ll let you get back to work,” she said with an easy smile and a hand on his shoulder.

He went back to the case study that was similar to Drew’s, mindlessly munching on an apple, when his phone started to vibrate. He grinned when he saw it was a text from Jared.

_Hows ur monday?_

_Okay. Yours?_

_Sux!!!!!!!!!!_

Jensen chuckled. _That bad, huh?_

_Dude u dont even know_

_Late for class? Pop quiz? Boring lecture?_

_All of the above_

_Ouch. I feel for you man._

_Thnx. L8r._

_Later._

It wasn’t much of a conversation, but just touching base with Jared made him feel… happier. And that’s how the rest of their week went. They texted each other at different intervals during the day, spoke by phone at night. Jensen knew that Jared would probably like to get together again before the weekend, but there was too much on Jensen’s plate at the moment. And Jared seemed to understand that not only did Jensen want to impress his boss by doing a good job with Drew, but needed to be prepared for his first difficult meeting with the boy.

~o0o~ 

Jeff approved his plan for Drew and by Friday Jensen was about ready to jump out of his skin waiting to meet Drew and Ben Robinson. He expected it to go badly and he couldn’t have been more right. 

Jensen stopped at the doorway of the hospital room and wasn’t surprised at the scene that greeted him. Drew was sitting up in bed, his arms crossed over his chest as he stared at the television. He looked vulnerable, his skin pale and there were still some bruises and cuts on his arms and face. His dark hair was short, almost a buzz cut, but Jensen knew that wasn’t because of any surgery or testing he’d had. Drew thankfully had not suffered any serious head trauma. A sheet covered the boy’s legs, making him look even frailer to Jensen.

A man was sitting in a chair beside the bed, his arms braced on his knees, body hunched over, head hung low. He assumed it was Ben Robinson, Drew’s father. Mr. Robinson was wearing a suit, which was more than a little rumpled and the knot of his tie was loose. From the information in the file, he’d garnered that Mr. Robinson worked in the private banking section of one of the larger financial institutions in town. 

Jensen felt a wave of compassion for these two men who had their lives torn apart in such a horrible fashion. He knocked on the doorframe and Ben Robinson’s head snapped up and he sat a little straighter in his chair. Drew barely even flinched, kept his focus on the show he was watching on TV.

“Hello, my name is Jensen Ackles,” he said with a smile as he walked further into the room. “I’ll be your physical therapist, Drew. I’m here to go over a few things with you, if that’s all right.” 

He still didn’t get a reaction from Drew, but his father stood, shook Jensen’s hand and introduced himself before he canted his head toward his son and gave Jensen an apologetic look. The man looked as if he was running on fumes.

“Do you mind if we turn this off for a few minutes,” Jensen said to Drew, indicating the TV. “You can turn it back on as soon as we’re done.” That at least earned him a shrug, but no eye contact.

“He’s not having a good day,” Mr. Robinson said, sounding mildly irritated as he picked up the remote and flicked off the TV.

Jensen thought Drew was certainly entitled to that. “Today is just a consult,” Jensen said, addressing both Drew and his father. “We’ll be doing some further assessments beginning Monday, see exactly where we need to start.”

“He’s already been assessed,” Mr. Robinson said, his tone turning a bit sharper. 

“I know there’s been a lot of people in to see both of you and things are probably a bit confusing, but there needs to be a thorough understanding on our part in order for us to know the best way to help Drew,” Jensen said calmly, keeping his attention on both men. Drew was his patient, but Jensen knew he had to keep Mr. Robinson active in this conversation.

“What exactly _is_ your part?” Mr. Robinson asked, his voice edging into pissed off territory.

Jensen tried to let it roll of his back, but the truth of the matter was Ben Robinson seemed to be itching for a fight. Jensen had no idea at this point how the other consults had gone, but there would have been quite a few including occupational therapy, psychological, along with the dietician, surgeons, physicians – the list was endless. He imagined that the older man’s nerves were stretched pretty tight these days.

“My focus is going to be on improving mobility, relieving pain, and restoring function.” Jensen turned his attention solely on Drew as he said, “My goal is to help you achieve the maximum level of independence you can, Drew.”

“Yeah, about that,” Mr. Robinson said, his hands going to his hips. “I’ve been doing some research of my own and I want to see that Drew gets the best. There are some devices out there that can help him walk.”

“Yes, there is some absolutely astounding research going on into that area,” Jensen agreed. “But it’s too early to really know what will work best. There are things to consider such as range of motion and endurance. It’s certainly something we’ll look into once we’ve reached that point.”

“You hear that, son?” Mr. Robinson said, giving his son a reassuring smile. “You do what Mr. Ackles says and you’ll be walking again in no time.”

Jensen saw Drew’s jaw clench, but still the boy’s focus never wavered from the wall opposite his bed. Jensen wished he could talk to Drew one-on-one, but Mr. Robinson had a right to be there, and certainly a duty as a father to know about the treatment plan for his son.

“We need to focus on the basics for right now,” Jensen said diplomatically.

“Basics?” Mr. Robinson asked as he stepped closer to Jensen. The man was about the same build as Jensen, so he wasn’t really that physically imposing to Jensen, but it wasn’t hard to miss the tension and anger seeping from the man’s body. “I’m not paying for _basics_. The goal here is to get my son walking. If that’s not how you see it, then we’ll find someone and somewhere else that will.”

Jensen counted to ten in his head, this was no place to lose his cool, and they shouldn’t be having this conversation in front of Drew. “Perhaps you’d like to step out in the hallway, Mr. Robinson?”

“No, I would not! Now look here,” Mr. Robinson said, his eyes narrowed and his voice like steel. “This is my son’s well-being we’re talking about.”

“UT Medical Facility has one of the best physical therapy programs in the state,” Jensen said. “Since we’re affiliated with the University of Texas, we have a vast amount of resources and development of programs that other facilities just aren’t able to handle. Please believe me when I tell you that Drew will be given the best care possible. I’ll see to that.”

“Who’s your supervisor?” Mr. Robinson asked with an air of dismissal.

“Jeffrey Morgan. I believe he’s in his office at the moment. Shall I give him a call?”

Drew snorted at that, and Jensen wasn’t sure who it was directed to, him or Mr. Robinson. However, it did make the older man step back, take in a deep breath. Jensen was going to take it as a positive sign, that Drew was giving him some sort of recognition. That he wanted to work with Jensen. He might be grasping at straws, but he was going to take what he could get.

“All right, we’ll try it your way,” Mr. Robinson said, his voice still hard but his shoulders slumped a bit. “What time will the evaluations be on Monday?”

“One p.m.,” Jensen answered. He wasn’t sure if Mr. Robinson intended to be there or not, he shouldn’t be, but Jensen was too tense to fight with the man any more today, especially not in front of his son.

“What happens after the evaluation? When do you actually start the therapy?”

“We’ll do some work on Monday, that’s what the evaluation is all about. I need to see what Drew is capable of now, what areas need work, and adapt the program that was developed as needed.”

“Okay, fine,” Mr. Robinson said, his voice dismissive.

“Drew, it was nice to meet you and I look forward to working with you,” Jensen said and he could have sworn he saw a slight nod from Drew, but Jensen didn’t know if that’s because he wanted to see it or if it really happened.

He’d never been so happy that a consult was over and his teeth hurt from biting back the words he desperately wanted to say. He had two more patients to see this afternoon, but first he needed some time to himself. Jeff found him in the break room about ready to hurl a chair across the room.

“C’mon,” Jeff said, grabbing hold of Jensen’s arm and tugging him outside to the makeshift basketball court that some of the staff used when they had a break. “How bad was it?” Jeff asked, throwing the basketball to him.

“I don’t think Mr. Robinson should be around when Drew’s in therapy.” Jensen made a run for the basket, but Jeff covered him pretty well. He was going to make Jensen work for it.

“Why’s that?”

“He’s pushing too hard, talking about walking and getting better.” Jensen spun and evaded Jeff long enough to make a basket. The ball bounced once before he could get to it and pass it to Jeff. 

“What did you think of Drew?”

“Scared, pissed off.” 

“And you?” Jeff executed a pretty good feint to the left leading up to a jump shot. 

“Pretty much the same.”

Jeff remained silent until they both got off a few more shots.

“Why are you pissed off?” Jeff asked as he threw him the ball. His boss didn’t sound accusatory, just curious.

Jensen dribbled a few times, studied the hoop then took off to try to get around Jeff. “Why the hell does a fourteen year old have to put up with losing their mom and their ability to walk?”

“And scared?”

He wasn’t ready to say it out loud and Jeff used that to steal the ball and Jensen couldn’t believe it when he heard the swish of the net. Jeff threw him the ball. “Try again.”

“I don’t want to fuck it up,” Jensen finally admitted.

“Do you think you’re going to?”

“My plan is solid.” He poured on the speed and got around Jeff, sinking the ball easily.

“It is,” Jeff agreed. “So how would you fuck it up?”

Jensen held onto the ball a moment before throwing it to Jeff. “Feeling sorry for him. Not pushing him hard enough. Pushing him too hard. There’s a spectacular amount of ways I can fail.”

“Yep,” Jeff said, trying the same fake shot from earlier, but Jensen was ready for it this time and easily deflected the ball, sent it bouncing down the court and both of them chased after it. Jensen caught it just before Jeff and headed back toward the basket. He took a second to set up the shot and it fell cleanly through the net.

This time when Jensen threw him the ball, Jeff held onto it, tucked it under his arm. “This is going to be a tough case, I won’t lie to you. There’ll be days when you want to come to me and tell me to assign it to someone else. But then, there are going to be days that Drew will do everything you tell him and he’s going to hurt and he’s going to cry, but you’ll know that it’s worth all of that.”

Jensen already pretty much figured that’s the way it would go down, but hearing it said aloud made a lump form in his throat. 

“You gotta be everything for him,” Jeff continued quietly. “You have to be his teacher, his confidant on top of his PT. You’re also going to be the man he hates sometimes. And I know you won’t like that part at all, Jensen, not one fucking bit, but I wouldn’t have asked you to take this case if I didn’t think you were ready for it.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re also going to have to tell Ben Robinson he can’t be there when Drew’s in therapy.”

Jensen took a deep breath and on the exhale, said, “Yeah.”

“Do that today. I don’t want it weighing on you over the weekend and then hanging over Drew’s first session on Monday. After that, you can take off for the day.”

“I have two appointments left this afternoon.”

“I’ve got ‘em covered,” Jeff said easily before he threw him the ball so they could finish out their game.

~o0o~ 

When Jensen finally got to leave, he didn’t even really think about what he was doing, he just drove to Jared’s. He wanted – no he needed to see Jared’s face, that smile, hear his laugh. God, anything to take away the burn he felt in the pit of his stomach. They had plans to go see a movie tomorrow, but nothing on for tonight. Jensen had thought he would be working late today, plus he knew it wasn’t going to be a good day and didn’t think he’d be very good company. Nailed that one pretty good, but he hadn’t counted on needing some type of interaction – needing Jared.

There was a moment at the front door when he almost turned around, but fuck it, he was already here and went ahead and knocked. Chad answered the door, Jensen recognized him from the bar last week when Jared had pointed him out. Jensen must’ve looked like shit because Chad took one look at him and yelled for Jared.

“Come on in,” Chad said quietly as he stepped away from the door to let Jensen pass.

Jared walked into the living room, wiping his hands on a dishtowel, saying, “Dude, I already told you, I’m not –” As soon as he saw Jensen, the amusement went out of his eyes and his shoulders slumped a little. “Oh man, it was bad wasn’t it?”

“Pretty fucked up,” was all Jensen could manage.

Jared came over, flipped the dishtowel over Chad’s shoulder, and grabbed hold of Jensen’s hand. Jensen allowed himself to be towed behind Jared, only concentrated on how nice Jared’s hand looked covering his and not where they were going. He didn’t look up until he heard a door close behind them, and then Jared pulled him in and wrapped him in a tight hug and all Jensen could do was hang on.

They stood there, in silence, for a long time and it felt like Jensen was absorbing energy from Jared, made him at least able to put himself back together again. Finally, Jensen was able to relax and let everything go.

“I’m sorry,” Jensen whispered.

“No,” Jared said, stepping back, pulling him toward the bed. “You don’t have anything to apologize for, man. You knew it was going to suck.”

“Not this bad,” Jensen said, sitting down on the edge of the bed, Jared followed him a second later. “I read so many cases, thought I was prepared, but fuck, how do you get ready to face a pissed off, hurting fourteen-year-old kid who lost his mom, who was there when she died?”

Jared rubbed his back, made soothing circles and murmured words of sympathy as it all came tumbling out. “And to top it all off, Jeff showed me exactly why I wasn’t ready to get that promotion. I would make a shitty supervisor.”

“Why do you say that?” Jared asked softly.

“I would have been prepared for everything on the patient’s perspective, probably even for a parent, but I wouldn’t have even been watching for the PT’s reaction. Jeff was ready for me, knew what I needed.”

“But he didn’t say that you should never be a supervisor, right?”

“No.”

“And you’re happy where you’re at?”

“Yes.”

“Then don’t beat yourself up about it. You’re where you’re supposed to be right now. No one knows how to be a supervisor without training and on the job experience. That’s what you’re gaining now.”

Jensen thought about it for a moment. “Yeah, that’s true.” 

Jensen appreciated the fact that Jared had listened, looked thoughtful and interested in what he had to say, and didn’t try to offer him any false praise. That would have been bogus and Jensen would’ve resented it. There was no way for Jared to know how Jensen did his job or even what kind of man he was, they’d only known each other a handful of days. Jared rose even higher in Jensen’s thoughts because of his actions now and he was glad he’d sought him out.

But now he was feeling a little like he’d taken advantage of Jared. “So… I should go. You’ve got plans or something already.”

“Just talked about going out and getting trashed, but I don’t much care about that now,” Jared said, his voice low and his eyes dangerous.

“You don’t?”

“No, staying here sounds good.”

Jared gave him a predatory grin before he leaned in, kissed him hard, pressed him down into the mattress, and then they were all hands as they touched and writhed against the other. It felt so good to just feel, not think, and God, did Jared feel good in his arms.

When there was a knock on the door and Sandy’s voice floated through asking if they wanted something to eat, Jensen was pretty far gone. His dick was straining against his pants – he probably would’ve come any second – and when Jared lifted his head to answer, Jensen felt disoriented, like the world had been flipped upside down or something. He was breathing heavily as he looked around the room to get his bearings.

“Yeah, whatever you guys want is fine,” Jared called before he put a bit more space between them, but didn’t move completely off Jensen. “You okay? You’re looking a little freaked.”

“Just that – um yeah, a little. Maybe.”

Jared smiled and rolled over onto his side and Jensen did the same so that they were facing each other. Jared laid his hand on Jensen’s hip. “Sorry, can’t seem to keep my hands off you.”

“Not a bad thing,” Jensen said with a grin. “I’m not complaining, but it is just a little fast.”

“So we’ll just hang out, talk or whatever.”

“I’d kinda like to change out of these clothes, take a shower.” He was still wearing his work clothes, had been in them all day and was ready to shed all he could that concerned work.

“Oh see, I think you deserve to take a shower in a grown up one,” Jared teased. “You could borrow some of my clothes and then we can just kick back here.”

“I’d like that a lot, if you’re sure no one else would mind.”

“No, they won’t,” Jared said softly. “Though you have to lock the bathroom door. Chad has no personal boundaries.”

“Good to know.”

“Yeah, ’cause _I_ haven’t seen you naked yet, so no way is Chad gonna get first on that one.”

“You want to see me naked, Jared?”

Jared gave him an ‘are you serious?’ look. “Uh, hell yeah!” He smoothed a hand down Jensen’s side. “But I kinda want it to be when we’re alone and not with a bunch of my nosy friends around. We got time, man. But maybe we could make out some more later?”

“Hell yeah!” Jensen mimicked and got a chuckle out of Jared.

Jared handed him some clothes and as Jensen took them, he said, “Is this going to be a thing between us? Wearing each other’s clothes?”

“Pretty tame when it comes to kinks,” Jared said with a smirk. “But I don’t mind swapping clothes with you.”

Jensen just chuckled as Jared showed him to the bathroom, giving him a little tour of how awesome their shower was compared to Jensen’s, but conceded that the towels left a lot to be desired. Once Jensen had showered and changed, which helped him shed the last vestiges of work, he went back to Jared’s bedroom only to find it empty. He followed the raucous noise coming from the living room and found Jared and Chad involved in a Guitar Hero showdown, as Sandy watched from the couch. She smiled at Jensen and motioned him over as the competition heated up between Jared and Chad.

“They’ll be at it a while,” she warned.

“No we won’t,” Jared said. “When I kick Chad’s ass, he will admit defeat and go crawling to his room in shame.”

“You wish, Sasquatch. When _I_ win, you’ll be my bitch for the night.”

“Only in your dreams, asshat.”

“C’mon, no sex talk in front of your boyfriend, man. That’s just rude.”

Jared’s eyes caught his at Chad’s use of ‘boyfriend’, but Jensen found he was pretty okay with that term and gave Jared a smile.

“They revert to twelve year olds as soon as their fingers touch the controllers,” Sandy said with an indulgent smile.

“Part of the game,” Jensen said. “Insult and psych out your opponent so he will crash and burn a fiery death.”

“Oh no, not you, too,” Sandy said with a groan.

“Video games are a necessary de-stressing agent.”

“Excellent,” Chad said. ”I will defeat Gigantor then take on his boyfriend and I’ll rule.”

“Don’t think so, dude, you’ll have to be satisfied with just drooling and not ruling.”

The combatants quieted as they battled it out and Jared was able to squeak by and take the win. 

“Now who’s the bitch!” Jared crowed triumphantly.

“Best two out of three,” Chad said.

“No way,” Jared said. “Winner gets to choose and Jensen and I are going to blow some shit up together with Halo.”

“I hate you, man,” Chad said, narrowing his eyes at Jared before turning to Jensen. “And you suck, too.”

“Hey, I thought there was no sex talk allowed,” Jensen said.

The corners of Chad’s mouth wiggled a bit before he pointed to Jensen. “You, I like,” before turning to Jared. “Hate.”

Jared’s response was to do a little victory type dance and stick his tongue out at Chad. “Go away now, loser.”

Jared and Jensen were in the middle of their game when Jared’s other two roommates, Pete and Matt, came home with pizza and chicken and Jared did a quick introduction before they made their way into the kitchen. 

Jared winked at him before saying loudly, “Bring us our food, bitch!”

“Your legs broke?” Chad yelled back from the kitchen.

“No, but you’re my bitch for the night, remember?”

“No way! You said that winner gets to choose and you wanted to play Halo with your boyfriend, not treat me like a bitch.”

“I can do both.”

“Yeah, that’s just gross,” Chad said, bringing in two plates of food and setting them down on the coffee table. “Two-timing your boyfriend right in front of him.”

“What the hell is going on and if Chad gets to be the bitch tonight, how do I get in on it?” Pete asked as he came back into the living room.

“I am no one’s bitch!” Chad protested loudly.

“Jared beat him at Guitar Hero,” Sandy said, reclaiming her seat beside Jensen.

“Oh man, I’m sorry I missed that,” Pete said sounding disappointed. “Did he whine like a little girl?”

“Kiss my ass.”

“No sex talk!” Jared, Jensen and Sandy said together.

Chad flipped them off with both hands as everyone laughed.

Jensen had a good time with Jared’s friends and it was late into the night before he finally said he had to hit the road. It wasn’t a surprise that it was actually an hour later that he was finally in his car and on his way home. Jared claimed his rights as winner once again stating Jensen had to forfeit a kiss, which led to another and another and no, Jensen didn’t think that was any hardship at all.


	4. Chapter 4

It took another two weeks for Jensen to catch a break with Drew. No matter what Jensen had tried, Drew stonewalled him. You couldn’t force someone to do the work of rehabilitation and it wasn’t that Jensen didn’t sympathize. Drew’s life had changed so drastically and hell, Jensen didn’t know how he would react if faced with the same situation. His job, however, was to do his best to get his patient motivated. To want to do the work or at least give it a shot, but Drew steadfastly refused. He sat in his chair, unwilling to let anyone even touch him.

Today being Friday, Drew wouldn’t be scheduled back in until Tuesday. Jensen was ready for him though. He led Drew over to the far side of the room where Jensen had a table set up as a makeshift desk with a stack of paperwork, a laptop and his iPod waiting. He locked the wheels of Drew’s wheelchair before he sat down at the desk and put on his headphones.

“Hey!” Drew said, giving him the stink eye. “What are you doing?”

“Catching up on some work,” Jensen said calmly, didn’t even spare a glance Drew’s way. “Might as well since you just sit there like a lump.”

“Then call my dad to come get me. I ain’t sitting here watching you work.”

“Nope. You’re stuck here until he gets back. You either sit there or do some exercises with me.”

“Guess I’ll just sit here then,” Drew said defiantly as he crossed his arms over his chest.

“Okay,” Jensen said with a shrug. He thumbed through his list of songs and found a favorite list that always helped him burn through the paperwork.

It was a good twenty minutes and he was humming along, maybe even singing a little, to Dwight Yokem’s ‘Honkey Tonk Man,’ when he saw Drew hand waving into his line of vision.

“You’re singing,” Drew said in an accusatory tone.

“There’s a way to make me stop,” Jensen said as he raised his eyebrow in challenge.

“It’s annoying.”

Jensen gave him a long look, but when Drew didn’t respond, went back to his paperwork and started to sing a little louder.

“I hate that song!”

“It’s a good song,” Jensen countered. “I like it.”

“Yeah, well that’s ’cause you’re a giant douchebag.”

Jensen smirked at the boy and continued to sing loudly.

“Only weirdos listen to that kinda crap. It’s worthless, so you must be, too. You should listen to something besides _country_ , but I guess I can’t expect too much from you.”

Jensen pulled off the headphones and turned off his iPod. He didn’t think Drew meant everything he’d said, and Jensen was willing to give the boy some leeway because it was the first time he’d said more than a few words to Jensen. “Why’s that?”

“You’re like my dad. You think if I do some crappy exercises that it’ll make some kind of difference. That’ll it make things better. Things ain’t gonna get better! Right now they pretty much suck ass.”

Jensen couldn’t argue with that, so he didn’t and tried to keep his face impassive and hoped that Drew would continue.

“Nothing’s gonna get me to walk again. I’m not stupid, you know. I heard what the doctors said, I understood everything! And I gotta keep coming here with a bunch of old geezers with broken hips or whatever, pretending it’s helping. There ain’t no one here who comes close to knowing what it feels like to be me. They don’t even try, just tell me what’s good for me, that I should do this or that, like they even know.”

“You’re right,” Jensen said quietly. “I don’t know what it’s like to be you. But I do know about the human body and that it has a tremendous capacity to heal itself. I also know that it can do a much better job if we help it along.”

“I don’t want your help! I don’t want anybody’s! I just want to be left alone.” Drew’s face was turning red and it looked like he was about to cry. It was almost enough to rip Jensen apart to see the hurt and fear in the boy’s eyes, but he couldn’t give in to those emotions. He had to try to work through this with his young patient.

“I realize that. You’ve made that very clear from the beginning,” Jensen stated and made sure to keep his voice even, not even a trace of accusation in it.

“Then why don’t you?”

“Because I can’t. I want to try to help you, Drew, if I can.”

“Why? Because it’s your _job_?”

“Partly. I love my job. I’m good at it. Mostly I want to try to help you any way I can. If that’s just listening to you spout off about how stupid country music is, then I can do that.”

Drew glared at him. “I already see a shrink.”

Jensen laughed, he couldn’t help it. “Man, I don’t want to be your therapist. Just talk, no analyzing. Unless, of course, it’s your taste in music. What do you like to listen to?”

“Probably nothing you’ve ever heard of,” Drew said with a sneer.

“Give me a shot.”

Drew studied him a few moments before a sneaky smile spread across his face. “Gimme your iPod and let me look at what kinda crap you’ve got in there.”

“Okay,” Jensen said easily and handed it over.

There were a lot of snorts as Drew scrolled through the list, but finally he raised his eyes to Jensen. “You like a lot of different stuff,” Drew said slowly, as if he were trying to figure something out. “Country’s your favorite.”

“Yep.” There was no denying it and Jensen wasn’t ashamed of what he liked. Although he did listen to most types of music, country songs permeated his iPod list.

Drew looked back down at the iPod, scrolled through some more songs before he stopped. His hand started to shake and his breathing became erratic. Jensen was on his feet and crouching beside Drew in seconds.

“Drew?”

“You listen to this? You like them?” Drew’s voice was so soft, barely even a whisper.

Jensen glanced down at the iPod and saw that the 30 Seconds to Mars songs were listed. Jensen had never heard of them before last week when Jared had downloaded a bunch of their songs for him, told him he needed to broaden his musical knowledge. He’d been over at Jared’s at the time and each of Jared’s roommates had decided to get in on the fun and now Jensen had songs from bands with weirdass names and even weirder songs. He was going to delete some of them, but there were also others he’d liked, such as those by 30 Seconds to Mars.

“Yeah, they’re pretty good.”

“They’re my mom’s favorite,” Drew said, his voice broke on the last word. 

Drew looked at the screen for a long time and then pushed play and Jensen quickly pulled the headphones across the desk and held them out. 

“My dad doesn’t like them,” Drew said as he put on the headphones, closed his eyes and turned up the volume. Jensen could hear the music and he sat on the floor, crossed legged, and he recognized the lyrics to ‘A Beautiful Lie’. It was pretty ironic. If this was the break he’d needed to get through to Drew, it all came about because of Jared, who on the off chance had gone through his music much the same as Drew had and decided Jensen needed some new tunes.

Drew listened to the same song three times before he shut the device off. “I miss her,” he whispered.

“I know you do,” Jensen answered and felt more inadequate than he ever had.

“Why’d it happen?” Drew was crying when he finally looked at Jensen.

“I wish I had the answer to that,” Jensen said with fierce sincerity. “Wish to God I did.”

“I shouldn’t be _here_.”

Jensen got what the young man was saying. That he shouldn’t have survived the accident. Not at the price of his mom losing her life. Jensen took a deep breath, tried to think of something meaningful to say, but he was sure anything he came up with, Drew had heard a thousand times already. So he tried a different tact.

“A couple of years ago I had to tell my parents something I was positive would hurt them. Maybe even make them kick me to the curb.” He cleared his throat, not very confident this was the right thing to do, but Drew looked at him like he wanted to hear more, so Jensen gathered his courage and continued.

“It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I knew they needed to know.”

“What’d you do?”

“It wasn’t anything I did,” Jensen said with a soft laugh. “Just wanted to tell them the truth about something.”

Drew frowned and tilted his head as if confused. “What?”

“I’m gay.”

Drew’s eyes widened and he reared back a moment and Jensen waited for him to make the next move, whatever it was going to be.

“What did they say?” Drew asked quietly.

“They were shocked and my dad locked himself in his bedroom for a few hours. My mom kept crying. My brother and sister were okay with it though. I think my sister had me figured out anyway.”

“Did your mom ever stop crying?”

“Yeah. She said it was okay I was gay, which is good, ’cause it’s not like something I can change, but she was worried since there’s a lot of people that don’t think it’s okay.”

“And your dad?”

“It was a few days before he could finally talk about it, and even then it was just to tell me to be careful and that he still loved me, which was more than I thought – hoped to get from him.”

Drew nodded his head, looked thoughtful again, so Jensen let it be. Finally, after a couple of minutes, Drew leaned in close and asked quietly, “Are you gonna get in trouble for telling me?”

“Well, it’s not exactly a secret. My boss knows and everything. I just don’t share it with a lot of people. Anyway, my point is, even when we think we’re a piece of crap, the lowest person on the face of the earth, it’s a pretty safe bet that our parents don’t. That our well-being is their top concern.”

“So you’re saying that I should try this physical therapy stuff for my mom because she would’ve wanted it.” There was a hard edge to Drew’s voice now.

“No. I’m saying that you should do it for you. For your dad. Because you _are_ here, man.”

Drew dropped his eyes again. “I do want to try – but I’m scared.”

“When you’re here with me, you don’t ever have to be scared, Drew. We can work on the PT, or we can sit and talk, or even listen to music. Whatever you want. Whatever you need.”

“Is it going to hurt?” Drew asked as he looked over at some of the machines.

“Yes,” Jensen answered quietly. “Sometimes.”

“And you’re good at what you do? At this PT stuff?” Drew’s eyes were assessing him now.

“I am.”

“Okay. Next session. I’ll try.”

“That’s all I’m asking for.”

Jensen hadn’t been able to stop smiling all day. He took a big chance on telling Drew he was gay. It’s not like he wasn’t allowed to tell any of his patients, but Drew was a child and it could get fucked up pretty fast if Drew had been raised to think homosexuality was a sin. But Jensen also needed to get Drew to trust him, to know that he wasn’t there to hurt him purposefully or force him to do anything. And maybe it would still come to bite him in the ass later, but he refused to think about it. Drew had promised to try and that was the best news Jensen had in a long time.

He was exhausted when he finally got home. Jared would be over in a couple of hours, which gave Jensen time to shower and relax a little. His bed was looking pretty damn inviting though, and by the time he’d thrown off his scrubs, he found himself lying down. He’d just close his eyes for a few minutes. He still had plenty of time before Jared got there.

~o0o~ 

Crouching down Jared felt around in the dark for the spare key beneath an aging corner flagstone. Last week Jensen had told him he didn’t have to knock and wait for him to open the door, that he should make himself at home whenever he was here. Jared hadn’t been able to stop grinning for two days after that conversation.

They had plans to hear Chris’ band play that evening. After the night Jensen showed up at Jared’s doorstep a wreck, they spent a nice evening together with Jared’s friends and everyone got along quite well. But Jared wasn’t too sure how Jensen’s best friend felt about him. It wasn’t like Jared had put his best foot forward where Chris was concerned. Getting drunk and acting like an idiot rarely endeared you to anyone.

Still, getting stupidly drunk was probably a good idea tonight. Not for him, but for Jensen. The kid from work was frustrating the hell out of Jensen. It’s not that Jensen complained. Truthfully, he didn’t say much at all about it to Jared. But Jared knew Jensen hadn’t been sleeping well and that he’d been logging late hours on the internet doing research into different techniques to try to get to Drew.

The house was quiet and he thought maybe Jensen was in the shower, but as he entered the bedroom he grinned when he saw Jensen curled up on the bed fast asleep wearing only his boxers. Then he noticed Jensen’s work clothes thrown on the floor, his keys and cell phone on the night stand. Jensen was neat by nature, and Jared had never seen him leave stuff all over the place. Jesus, he must have literally stripped and fallen into bed.

After folding Jensen’s clothes, Jared quietly toed off his own shoes and jeans. The band wouldn’t start till late, so there wasn’t any hurry to get to the bar. And if Jensen had napped maybe he’d be in the mood to fool around some. Or better yet… explore more. Because the only thing Jared wasn’t sure about was why they hadn’t had sex yet. He got that Jensen had recently gotten out of a serious relationship and that he maybe wanted to take things slow, but Jared had to admit he was getting more than a little frustrated.

He crawled into the bed, curving his body to fit behind Jensen’s. Since Jensen was lying on top of the covers, his skin was cool to the touch and he immediately snuggled back against Jared. 

“I’m not asleep,” Jensen mumbled, voice low and gruff.

Jared smiled against his neck. “Maybe not this second, but you were.”

“I’m getting up. Need to shower.”

“Okay.” It wasn’t a surprise that Jensen didn’t move a muscle.

“What are you doing here so early?”

“Jen, it’s seven o’clock.”

“No it’s not.”

Jared couldn’t stop the laugh that tumbled out even if he had tried. “I swear, man. Look at your clock.”

Jensen flung a hand out to his nightstand and grabbed the digital clock and pulled it to his face. “Jesus. It’s seven.”

Jared snorted. “Would I lie to you?”

Jensen put the clock back, stretched and turned so that they were facing each other. He gave Jared a sleepy smile. “Hey.”

“You can go back to sleep, I don’t mind,” Jared said softly.

“No, I’m awake now.”

“Jen, you need your sleep.” Jared tried to keep the worry out of his voice, but he couldn’t help it. 

“Today was a good day,” Jensen said and leaned in for a kiss.

It was smooth and sweet, no heat to it really, and Jared wasn’t sure if Jensen maybe was still sleepy or if it really was a good day. He looked so relaxed.

“Drew called me a douchebag today.” Jensen looked ridiculously happy.

“Uh, you know, that’s normally not a good thing.” Jared couldn’t help smiling back, was caught in how beautiful Jensen looked when he didn’t have the weight of the world on his shoulders.

“I’m aware,” Jensen said, still grinning foolishly.

“So – you’re not even going to tell me why this fills you with delight?”

“He’s going to try, Jared, and it’s because of you.”

“Me?”

Jensen told him what happened with Drew, ending with, “So if you’d never put those songs on my iPod – I don’t know, man.”

“I do. You found a connection with him, you were already there, that song just pushed the conversation in a bit of a different way. Although, the kid does have good taste in music, unlike some other people I know.” 

Jensen punched his arm for that dig, but they both were laughing at that point. Not only was Jared glad for Jensen, he was also grateful that Drew seemed to have finally turned a corner. No one should have to go through what he had, let alone at such a young age.

“Well, whatever the reason, I’m glad for it.”

This time when Jensen’s lips captured his, it was more demanding, and Jensen moved closer as he threw a leg over Jared’s. They made out for a long time, working each other up, and just as Jared’s temperature started to peak, Jensen reached down between them and used his hand to get Jared off. Before Jared could reciprocate in any way, Jensen slid out of bed with a quick, final kiss, mumbling vaguely, “Later.” 

Staring at Jensen’s back as he left the room, Jared blew out a breath of frustration. He needed to talk to Jensen about this, but Jared didn’t want to screw anything up. He really liked Jensen, knew Jensen felt the same way about him, but he started to think that maybe this was as far as Jensen wanted to go sexually, long make out sessions and getting each other off occasionally with hand jobs, heavy petting, and dry humping. 

When Jared first questioned his sexuality, he’d done the research, which of course, started with porn. It wasn’t too difficult to distinguish what he liked and what turned him on. Once he established that, he went on to read as much as he could. He knew that there were some gay men that didn’t like anal intercourse at all, but Jared did and he was hoping that Jensen enjoyed it, too. He didn’t think it was a deal breaker if Jensen didn’t, and Jared was willing to explore different things if it meant he got to have Jensen in his life.

Jared hadn’t been in a relationship in a long time – the beginning of freshman year, to be exact. He’d wanted it all when he’d come to college, the freedom of being on his own, but also wanting to have a boyfriend, and be open about himself for all to see. The boyfriend thing didn’t work out so well. Too many adjustments to make all at once and Jared was ashamed to admit, even if it was only to himself, that he’d gotten a little carried away with the sexual freedom aspect of college life and his relationship didn’t last long. 

It wasn’t difficult to come to the realization that he shouldn’t be involved with someone if he really wasn’t committed. He’d enjoyed the party lifestyle that a lot of college students did, and when he’d moved out of the dorms and into a house with friends, it had intensified for a bit, but Jared tired of it over the last year or so. Random hookups and not remembering the name of guy that sucked your dick the night before was making him feel hollowed out on the inside. 

He hadn’t been looking for a boyfriend, not really, when Jensen walked into the bar three weeks ago, but the attraction had been instantaneous and he wanted Jensen like he hadn’t wanted anyone in a long time. If Jensen had made the first move toward sex that night, Jared would’ve gladly followed. For the most part, he was okay with the fact that Jensen hadn’t, but his desire for Jensen only intensified with each passing day and he knew that was because he liked all aspects of Jensen, not just because he was hot.

With a groan of frustration, he got up, cleaned himself up with some tissues and redressed. He was in the kitchen when Jensen found him in the process of reheating their food. Jared kept the conversation centered on safe things like his classes and Jensen’s work, a few family stories to lighten things up a bit, although he didn’t feel like he had to fill up the entire space with chatter. They enjoyed comfortable silences as well, and he knew you didn’t get that with everybody. Jared never had to try with Jensen and that made waiting and taking things slow worth it even if all parts of his body didn’t necessarily agree.

They had lost track of time and when they finally made it to the bar, there was only time for just a few brief introductions. Steve seemed like he was pretty laid back. He offered up a smile and handshake to Jared, but Jared wasn’t really fooled into thinking that he wasn’t being thoroughly checked out. 

Chris gave him a friendly greeting and a “How ya doin’ tonight, Jared?”, and Jared felt the underlying theme of the night was going to be ‘don’t fuck around with our friend’s heart’. Alona, Chris’ girlfriend, a cute, petite blonde with a beautiful smile, was the only one that seemed genuinely pleased to meet him. She shoved Jensen over into an empty chair so she could plop down in the seat between them and leaned into Jared.

“Don’t let them scare you off,” she said quietly as Chris gave Jensen a hard time for not being around very much the last few weeks.

“Well, not saying that Chris isn’t a scary dude or anything, but you do know how Jensen and I first met?” At her nod, he continued, “I figure if I can survive being drunk and acting like, God, like such a moron, and Jensen still asked me out, then, hey, I can survive his friends.”

“Good,” she said with a smile.

Steve and Chris excused themselves and went to gather the rest of their band so they could get up on stage. The music was good and Chris had a really decent voice. It looked like they had a good following as there were several shout outs between songs and the crowd got into the music. They played for a solid hour before Chris announced that they were going to take a break.

Jensen already had a beer for Steve and Chris and room was made for them at the table. 

“You guys sound fantastic, baby,” Alona said before she gave Chris a long, lingering kiss, and slid onto his lap. He wrapped his arm around her waist and buried his head in her neck for a moment, murmuring something to her.

Steve rolled his eyes before taking a swig of his beer. “Go get a room.”

“Aw, are you feelin’ left out?” Chris said with a smirk. “No nookie for you tonight?”

“Leave him alone,” Jensen said, his own grin belying his words. “Not everyone can be as lucky as us.”

“Shut up,” Steve said, smacking Jensen across the chest with the back of his hand. “Amanda will be here later.”

“She still working double shifts?” Jensen asked.

Steve blew out a frustrated sigh and scratched his fingers through his hair. “It’s driving me crazy. I hardly get to see her, plus it’s making her cranky as hell.”

“Nah, that ain’t ’cause of her job, that’s just you making her that way,” Chris teased.

Steve flipped him off. “To top it all off, Melissa quit last week.”

“She did?” Alona asked, her eyes wide. “Why?”

“I don’t have a clue. I only know Amanda is the lucky one to pick up all the slack.”

“Hey, isn’t Vic looking for a job?” Chris asked.

Alona waved her hand in dismissal. “No, he’s working as a telemarketer.”

Jensen snickered. “Oh, I can see that lasting.”

“Yeah, maybe for another week,” Chris added with a laugh.

Jared started to feel really uncomfortable, like he was someone’s little brother that they were forced to bring along. Maybe because they were all older than him and he was still in school. They were laughing at inside jokes and talking about people he’d never met or had even heard mentioned before. Plus, he really hadn’t had the chance to say more than hello to anyone.

Alona gave Chris another kiss before she reclaimed her chair. “Don’t pay any attention to them,” she confided to Jared. “They’re all stuck in high school or something.”

Chris gave him an assessing look. “So, Jared, you think you can talk your boy here into coming up on stage with us?”

“What?” Jared was surprised to say the least. 

“Forget it,” Jensen said with a wave of his hand. “Chris is just fucking around. He knows I won’t get up on stage.”

Steve joined in with a pleading, “C’mon, Jen. Just one song.”

“Nope,” Jensen said with an air of finality as he stood up, though his smile was still friendly. “I’m gonna go get us another round.”

A look passed between Steve and Chris and Jared knew this was their opportunity to give him the speech about how they’ll end him if he hurts Jensen. Only it didn’t go quite like that. 

“So, I was serious,” Chris said, leaning his elbows onto the table so he could get close to Jared. “We want Jensen to come up and sing with us and we think you’re just the guy to make that happen.”

“Chris,” Alona said, her voice low and full of warning. Chris didn’t heed it, however, just continued to keep his eyes locked on Jared.

Jared looked over to Steve, who was nodding his head. “Look, I don’t know you guys very well, but – “

“From what I hear, you and Jensen are already pretty tight,” Steve said casually, as if he wasn’t really interested in what he was saying, but Jared knew that was far from the truth.

This was going to go bad for him. Jensen seemed pretty set against going up on stage and fuck, Jared hadn’t even known that it was something Jensen _could_ do. Were Chris and Steve just testing him to see if he would try to persuade Jensen? Wouldn’t it be disloyal to Jensen to try to go along with his friends, go against what Jensen really wanted? 

“No,” Jared said simply.

Chris cocked an eyebrow at him. “No? No what?”

“If Jensen really wanted to, he would go up there with you.”

Alona gave Jared a bright smile. At least someone thought he got the answer right.

“Just tell him we’ll play something easy,” Chris said as he sat back and crossed his arms over his chest.

“You tell him,” Jared said, mimicking Chris’ gesture.

“He’d do it for you,” Steve said.

“Quit with the pissing contest already,” Alona said with a roll of her eyes. “Jared’s right. If Jensen wants to sing, he will.”

“Baby,” Chris started, but was interrupted when Alona stood up with a huff.

“You can’t ever drop anything, can you?” she said, her voice a bit harsh and accusatory. Sounded like there was a story there, but damned if Jared was going to go nosing in it. “I’m gonna go see if I can find any decent music on the juke box.”

Chris just sat there looking after her for a second before Steve asked, “What was that about?”

“We got in a fight last night because she doesn’t want to go to Cali with us.”

“Chris,” Steve groaned, “she hates going on the road with us. Why did you even ask her again? Do you get a perverse thrill on pushing people?”

”I just thought it’d be nice to have her along. You take Amanda when she’s able to go with us.”

“That’s ’cause Amada likes to go. Alona doesn’t, it’s too lonely for her. Hell, I don’t need to tell you any of this. Go after her. You know you’re not gonna be worth shit until you make up.”

“Dammit!” Chris said, pushing back his chair with more force than necessary and almost ran right into Jensen.

Jensen sat their beers down on the table as Chris chased after Alona. “Lover’s spat?”

“When isn’t there one of those?” Steve said with a chuckle as he grabbed up a beer and took a healthy swig. “I’m just gonna ask one more time, ’cause Chris’ll kick my ass if I don’t.”

“Don’t even,” Jensen said with a firm shake of his head. “I haven’t even picked up my guitar for – shit, I can’t even remember when the last time was.”

That was news to Jared. He’d never even seen a guitar at Jensen’s house.

“Okay fine,” Steve said, raising his hand in a placating gesture. “But, dude, seriously, you love to play and you can’t deny that. You should just come over and jam with us sometime. You could bring Jared with you.”

Jensen took a drink of his beer and slid a glance over toward Jared. Jared just played with the bottle of beer in his hand. He felt ten kinds of strange. Jensen hadn’t even bothered to tell Jared that he could play the guitar, enjoyed it even, according to Steve. Jensen had slipped in so easily with Jared’s friends, they all liked Jensen and were happy for Jared that he’d found someone. Usually Jared didn’t have any problem fitting in or using his personality to ease the way in uncomfortable situations, but this time he felt kind of blindsided.

Jensen put his hand on Jared’s knee and gave it a squeeze. “Yeah, that would be good,” Jensen said, but he was looking at Jared. “We’ll come over soon.”

“Good,” Steve said with a smile that at least looked genuine this time. “I’m gonna hit the can before we have to go back up there. You guys gonna hang around till the end of the show?”

“Not sure,” Jensen said.

“Well if not,” Steve said, his voice quiet and filled with maybe something akin to remorse, “it was nice meeting you, Jared. I hope to see you again soon.”

“Yeah, thanks,” Jared said, trying for a smile, but didn’t think he was too successful at it. “You, too.”

“Jared –”

He interrupted Jensen quickly. “It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not. I’m sorry. I knew they’d probably try to work on you to plead their case about me singing with them and I never should have put you in that kind of position. What did they say to you?”

“You think I’m upset about – dude, I didn’t know you could play or even sing.”

“Well, I wasn’t lying when I said I haven’t played in a while. It’s not a big part of my life, not like it is for Steve and Chris.”

“Was it before?”

Jensen wiped a hand slowly over his mouth and down his chin before he answered. “Yeah, for a while, but then I realized that it was just more of a hobby. I’m not as good as them and even thinking about getting up on stage right now scares the ever living crap out of me. I wasn’t trying to keep it from you, Jared. I just wasn’t – thinking.”

“Okay,” Jared said with a nod, feeling a bit better about things now. “I would like to hear you play sometime, though.”

“You will,” Jensen promised.

“Aww, you two are so cute together,” Alona said as she sat down in the chair beside Jared.

“So what did Chris do this time?” Jensen asked.

“Just being an overbearing idiot,” she said with a wave of dismissal. “Had to straighten him out.”

“And I bet you could do that without even half trying,” Jared said with a grin.

“I have my ways,” she said, her voice low and seductive.

“Which we do not want to hear about,” Jensen said emphatically.

“Aww, party pooper,” Alona said with a pout. “I was hoping we could trade stories.”

Jensen made an exaggerated ‘ick’ face while Jared just laughed.

The band took the stage again and Chris huddled up with them for several moments before he turned on the mic. “We’re gonna slow it down here for a minute, but I promise to rile you guys back up soon as I sing this next song for my girl, Alona.”

Alona actually squeaked and sat up straighter.

“I’m sorry, baby. You just gotta kick this red neck’s ass once in a while to get me to pay the fuck attention to the important stuff. Darlin’, I hope you know this is from the heart.”

Jared didn’t recognize the song, but Alona must have because as soon as the band started to play, she grabbed hold of Jared’s hand. “Don’t let go until the song is over or I’ll run up to the stage and embarrass myself.”

He looked over at Jensen, but he was only grinning. “Chris must’ve really fucked up this time.”

“Just being an overprotective ass,” Alona said, giving Jared’s hand a tight squeeze. Jared wondered if Chris was being an overprotective ass about Jensen.

“He wrote it for her,” Jensen said. “He pulls it out whenever he knows he’s got some work to do to get out of the doghouse.”

“And it works every time,” Alona said with a little shrug. “I’m such a sucker for it.”

It was a beautiful song and Jared could see how it could get to Alona as Chris sang about how strong she was as a woman and how sometimes he didn’t feel he deserved her. The song must have been over, at least the singing part anyway, because the band was still playing as Alona tried to get her hand free of Jared’s. 

Jensen gave him a squeeze on his thigh and said, “Let her go, it’s okay.”

As soon as Jared dropped his hand from hers, she rushed the stage and Chris barely had time to get his guitar out of the way before she jumped into his arms. The kiss they shared was passionate as the bar filled with cat calls, wolf whistles, and appreciative applause.

After the last note died, Chris set Alona on her feet again and had his mouth against her ear. She was snugged up tight against his body and the love and intimacy in that gesture sent a spike of jealousy through Jared that lodged in his throat. He wanted that. And he wanted it with Jensen.

He leaned over, and much like Chris had just done, got right up against Jensen and whispered in his ear. “You think we can leave now? I really need you to fuck me.”

If Jared hadn’t been so turned on, it might have been comical that Jensen almost choked on his beer as he looked at him with wide eyes.

“Please, Jensen. I need you so damn bad. Please say you want it, too.”

Jensen closed his eyes, took a deep breath before giving him a small, but warm, smile. “Hope I don’t get a speeding ticket getting us back home.”


	5. Chapter 5

Jensen’s stomach was a knot of lust and nerves. He’d wanted to take things farther with Jared, but also didn’t want to make the same mistakes he had in the past. Just jumping into bed with someone was usually always a good time for everyone involved if that’s all you were looking for. Definitely not what Jensen wanted. Hell, he would have never normally gone for someone Jared’s age, someone still in college. So he had decided to wait, to be sure that this was something that both he and Jared wanted – a relationship – before they moved things along sexually.

But Jared had blown his mind back in the bar just asking for it like that, and Jesus, he had even begged. Now Jensen had to concentrate just to put one foot in front of the other as they made their way back to his car. For a moment, he couldn’t remember where he even parked the damn thing and had to hit the key fob in order for the car to alert him of its presence.

Jensen wasn’t one to do something as reckless as he was about to, but the aforementioned mind blowing thing had him down to brass tacks and he wasn’t able to think of much else now that he and Jared were kind of alone. At least the parking lot was dark and most everyone was still inside enjoying the show, so when he pushed Jared against his car, kissed him like he needed it to breathe – which at that point probably wasn’t a lie – and tilted his pelvis into Jared’s, he really couldn’t be blamed. Right?

Jared wasn’t fighting it, gave as good as he got, pushed his hips against Jensen’s so he could feel the hard line of his cock. Jensen had no idea how long they stood there, but it started to become _too_ long because he wasn’t about to cream his shorts in a goddamn parking lot when he could have Jared laid out on his bed, all legs and arms, open and ready for him. He had to get himself under control because they were looking at a twenty minute commute from the bar to his house and he was going to have to concentrate on not getting them killed or pulled over by the cops.

He broke away, his hand still curved around the back of Jared’s neck as he growled, “Home.”

Once they settled themselves in the car, he turned to Jared, pointed his finger and said shortly, “You stay on your side or I’ll never get us to the house in one piece. Then I’m all yours.”

Jared’s only answer was a wicked grin and if it was possible, Jensen swore he got harder at the promises it held. He wasn’t even really sure after that how they made it home, probably with a lot of recklessness and speed, and maybe he’d regret that tomorrow, but right now he couldn’t.

They barely made it inside before they were all over each other. They kissed, if you could call it that, as it was sloppy and more than once missed the mark and was just a clash of teeth, lips and tongues as they ran into walls and almost tripped over themselves more than once, shedding clothes in their wake. Jensen was more than thankful for his small house because it didn’t take them long to get to the bedroom and he finally and at fucking last had Jared on his bed, naked and beautiful.

He stood by the bed as he shucked his briefs and looked into Jared’s eyes. “You sure?”

“God, how can you even ask that?” Jared huffed out, gesturing toward his own body, his cock hard and already wet with pre-come. “I’ve been wanting you to fuck me for a long time, just want to feel you inside of me.”

Jensen dug out what he needed from the drawer of the nightstand and slammed it shut before he got on the bed, straddled Jared’s hips and leaned in for a kiss as he set the lube and condom by the pillows. Although he wanted to, he didn’t stretch out on top of Jared. It would be too tempting to just rut against him and then it would be over before it began. He needed to slow this down, needed to calm them both a little.

His kiss was more deliberate, as he concentrated on just tasting Jared, moving down to his neck, then teasing his nipples with his fingers and tongue, even biting them gently. Jared writhed and bucked, and Jensen knew he was trying to get some friction, some relief, so Jensen moved lower, laying a wet trail of kisses across Jared’s stomach. When he finally moved between Jared’s legs, licked slowly up his cock, sucked on the head to gather up all the clear liquid that waited there for him, Jared’s breathing was harsh as he made pleading groans, his hands trying to push Jensen’s head down.

Jensen couldn’t resist one quick dip down to the root before he pulled off and moved down again, lapped at Jared’s balls even as he spread his thighs wider. Jensen snaked a hand up to grab the lube and used it to generously coat his fingers. 

“Oh God, yes,” Jared moaned as Jensen slid one finger into him. Jared raised his hips to drive him deeper and it wasn’t long at all before Jensen was adding another finger.

“Jesus, you’re tight.”

“C’mon, just wanna feel your cock,” Jared begged. His whole body was flushed, his chest rose and fell quickly, almost in time with the slip slide of Jensen’s fingers.

“Don’t want to hurt you.”

“Fuck, Jensen, it almost hurts not having you in there.”

Jensen nodded and reared up onto his knees as Jared made a grab for the condom packet, tore it open easily, and rolled it onto Jensen. A quick drizzle of lube on himself and then some more for Jared, and then Jensen was lining himself up, just got the tip in and paused to look up at Jared.

“I’m good, it’s good,” Jared said breathlessly. “Keep going.”

Jensen could hear the pain behind the words and wanted to give Jared as much time as he needed. Apparently though, Jared’s patience had been exhausted and he tilted his hips up. It was all the invitation Jensen needed as he slowly proceeded until he was balls deep. He closed his eyes against the flood of sensation.

“God, Jensen,” Jared said on a groan. “Fuck me, just fuck me.”

Jensen had begun to move but Jared kept repeating the words, punctuated with moans and grunts. That all stopped as soon as Jensen wrapped his hand around Jared’s dick and Jared froze for several strokes as Jensen coordinated the rhythm. 

Jensen lost it when Jared wrapped his legs around him. He knew the angle wasn’t the best for Jared, but just the feel of being totally surrounded by Jared was more than he could stand. His hand stuttered and even stopped as he came, unable to do anything except throw his head back and close his eyes to ride it out. He hadn’t even had time to catch his breath when he felt Jared’s hand close over his, start the cadence again.

Jared’s legs dropped, opening wide and afforded Jensen the chance to make it even better for Jared. With short, shallow strokes he knew he found the spot when Jared’s eyes clenched tightly shut and he increased the speed of his hand, using Jared’s as guide as to how he needed to be touched. He watched as Jared painted his own chest with white streams, and it was almost too much feeling the squeeze and release around his cock as Jared came, but Jensen wouldn’t have dared to pull out. He wanted to stay there, to start all over again, but then Jared was looking into his eyes, soft laughter calling to him and he wanted to kiss Jared. He pulled out slowly and quickly ditched the condom before falling down on the bed beside Jared. _His lover_.

Jared turned quickly, rolled into his body and threw an arm across Jensen’s waist, a smile on his lips. Jensen didn’t give him a chance to say anything, just kissed him and tangled his legs with Jared’s. They continued to kiss and Jensen knew it wouldn’t be long before they fell asleep. It was already past midnight and it had been a long day. Jensen wouldn’t have traded it for anything.

~o0o~ 

Jensen worked through lunch. It wasn’t that he was behind or anything; it was just something he’d gotten used to in graduate school. He’d pushed himself hard then and sometimes it felt strange just being idle. Besides, there was nothing wrong with taking his lunch hour checking out some new techniques and theories. There were always new things to learn and Jensen never wanted to be left behind.

When his phone buzzed in his pocket, he frowned and fumbled for a moment before pulling it free. It was Tuesday and Jared had a class now and the only reason he would call instead of text was because something was wrong. The frown was cleared from his face, however, when Chris’ name was on the display screen.

“Hey, what’s up,” Jensen answered. He hadn’t spoken to Chris since Friday night. He and Jared had been spending all their free time together, even more so than they had before, and it didn’t leave much room for anything else. He wasn’t going to try to pretend it didn’t have to do with the fact that they’d finally had sex, but he also genuinely liked spending time with Jared.

“You didn’t even say goodbye when you left. Alona was all pissed off that she didn’t get to see you and Jared.”

“That’s because you were too busy making up for being – now what did she say it was – oh yeah, an overbearing idiot.”

“Yeah, whatever, man. A good song works miracles.”

There was no way Jensen would ever tell Chris that his song wound up Jared the way it did. Chris would laugh his ass off and then use it as blackmail material for the rest of his life.

“So, did you call to rag on me or is there an actual point?”

“We don’t have a gig this weekend, was wondering if you and Jared would want to come to the pit Saturday night.”

The pit was what Chris affectionately called his backyard; well actually, it was his parent’s backyard. They owned over ten acres and Chris lived in a little cabin that was by a man-made pond. It was more economical for him not to buy or even rent since he was on the road over half the year. Since the property was secluded, any party that was planned usually ended up at Chris’ and involved a bonfire. Chris had made a fire pit behind the cabin and it was a nice place to gather their group of friends to have a good time and not worry about disturbing anyone.

“That should be okay,” Jensen said with a grin. An invitation that included Jared was more than welcome. “I’ll check with him tonight.”

“And stay more than five minutes this time, yeah?”

“Hey, we were there for over an hour. It’s not my fault you had to spend most of that up on a stage.”

“Whatever,” Chris said with a chuckle. “Bring your guitar.”

Jensen sighed. “No.”

“Man, I’m not asking you to get on stage or anything. It’s just our friends. Hell, you used to _like_ playing and singing.”

“Yes, ‘used to’ being the key words here, Chris. I don’t have time to practice anymore. I’m not even sure I _can_ play anymore.”

“Oh, that’s just bullshit!”

“If it’s that much of a problem, then we won’t even come.”

“What the fuck?” Chris’ voice was low and threatening.

Jensen immediately felt contrite. He was tired of dealing with this issue though. “Chris, please, can you let my playing drop. It was only ever a hobby for me, you know that.”

“I do,” Chris said quietly, “but, Jesus, you’ve always loved messing around with us. What changed?”

“Chris,” Jensen sighed. He hadn’t been lying when he’d said that he didn’t have time to practice with work and Jared taking up all of his time. There was no way he was going to even think of playing, even if it was only for friends, unless he got some practice time in. Jensen had his pride after all, and he didn’t want to sound like crap, especially in front of Jared.

“All right, all right, calm down. Just – you and Jared’ll be there, right?”

“Yes.”

“Good, come around seven.”

“Okay, see you then.”

As he disconnected the call, he felt a moment of guilt that he had committed Jared to something he may not want to do. He knew Jared wasn’t completely comfortable around his friends yet, but he did want them to get along, and hopefully not being in a crowded bar would help.

He didn’t get a chance to bring it up until later that night in his bed after a quick and dirty fuck, like they’d been starving for it, which was ridiculous, since they had been going at it like horny teenagers since Friday night. The thought caused him to smirk and Jared picked up on it immediately.

“What?” Jared asked with a grin.

“Nothing,” Jensen said with a shake of his head. Taking a deep breath, he got serious as he said, “Chris invited us over to a bonfire at his place on Saturday.”

“Okay,” Jared said with a note of confusion. “You don’t want to go?”

“No, it’s just that I told him we’d go.”

“And?”

“Before I asked you.”

“First of all, they’re your friends, Jensen. Of course I want to get to know them better, want them to like me. Secondly, it’s not like we had any other plans.”

“We don’t have to stay long if you don’t want to. If you’d rather do something else.”

“Dude, relax,” Jared said with a huff of laughter. “I’d like to go.”

“You know, you’re pretty awesome.”

“My cross to bear,” Jared said with an exaggerated sigh.

“Hmm, humble, too.”

“I’m the total package.”

“Dork.”

Jared laughed, pulled him into a loose-limbed hug. “Yeah, I’m all that, plus I’m starving.”

“So I have to feed you, too?”

“Yep. I just fucked your brains out, I need some nourishment. Wouldn’t want me to expire during round two.”

Jensen raised an eyebrow at that. “Round two?”

“I suppose I could just jerk off all by myself if you’re too ancient to be able to get it up again.”

Jensen snorted. “You forgetting who wore your ass out the other night.”

“No,” Jared said, his voice dropping low.

They didn’t stumble to the kitchen until much later to make some macaroni and cheese and it wasn’t too hard to persuade Jared to stay and sleep over. It was just as easy for Jensen to push back his fears that this was all happening too fast. Things felt right with Jared and he didn’t want to analyze it, just wanted to go with it. So he did.

~o0o~ 

From across the bonfire, Jensen watched Jared with Steve and Amanda. He was gesturing as he talked, and Jensen could hear his laughter. It was a relief to see Jared getting along with everyone. Not that he didn’t think Jared wouldn’t, it seemed as if he’d never met a stranger he didn’t like, but Jensen had been worried about his friends.

They hadn’t much cared for Rick, yet they’d tried to include him in things. It just never seemed very comfortable for anyone. That was mostly Jensen’s fault. Rick had been wrong for him and he’d known that almost from the start, and Jensen had hung in there, tried to make it work.

It was a warm, clear night, Jensen and Jared spent the majority of it together, but there were times like these that he was glad they were okay hanging out separately. It felt comfortable and it also gave Jensen a chance to watch Jared unobserved. For the most part anyway.

“You gonna sing for him tonight?” Alona asked, intruding on his thoughts.

“Hmm?” he hummed, looking down at his beer as if it were more interesting than just a glass bottle.

“Oh, come on,” she said with quiet laughter. “I was there last week, remember? He’s dying to hear you.”

“I thought you were on my side,” he said lightly.

“I don’t want you to do it for anyone but him. _Has_ he asked you to play or sing for him?”

“No because he knows I don’t do that anymore.”

She laughed full out then. “Oh, Jensen, that boy is so gone for you and he already knows you so well. He thinks you’ll say no to him.”

“And I would.”

“You sure about that?” The laughter had gone out of her voice and her eyes stared at him in challenge.

“I –” The denial was right there, ready to come out, but then he saw Jared, talking just as easily with Chris, who had joined Steve and Amanda. And even Chris didn’t look all drawn up like a bow string just waiting for Jared to say or do something stupid.

“Mmm-hmm,” was Alona’s only response before she walked away.

Later when they all sat around the fire and Steve and Chris brought out their guitars, Jensen didn’t resist when Steve shoved his guitar at him. Jensen took it, fingered the strings on the fret a little, but Chris had been right all along. He hadn’t forgotten how to play. His fingers stretched and found the chords easily as he strummed a few bars. He kept his focus on the guitar for a few moments, didn’t want to look at Jared or his friends. 

Jared pressed his knee against his and Jensen turned his head to give his boy a smile and the blinding one he got in return had him catch his breath. After a moment, he turned to Steve and Chris, who were wearing identical shit eating grins. “Something easy,” Jensen warned.

They started out with ‘Seven Bridges Road’, a song that they’d sung so many times, it wasn’t surprising that the chords and the harmony came back easily to Jensen. He wasn’t perfect, missed a few bars, but he did pretty well on the harmony. After three songs, Jensen handed the guitar back to Steve. His fingers stung from lack of use but it felt good, too. It also didn’t hurt that Jared was plastered against his side.

They stayed for a couple of more songs before Jensen decided they better get out of there or Jared was probably going to crawl into his lap. They said their goodbyes and on the way to the car, Jared pulled him into his arms. They could still hear the music and Jensen didn’t resist when Jared started to sway. It really wasn’t dancing, something that Jensen rarely did because that was one thing he knew he definitely wasn’t good at, like, at all. But here, in the moonlight, with Jared, it was just one more thing that felt right.

“Thank you,” Jared said softly against his ear. “You have a great voice, Jensen.”

He flushed at the praise. “You’re biased.”

“I am, but it’s a fact that you’re good, and yeah, I know what you’re gonna say, that Chris and Steve are better, but I’ll say until the day I die that the sound of you singing is one of my top three favorite sounds.”

“Top three, huh?” Jensen said with a mixture of laughter and skepticism.

“Yes,” Jared said definitively before moving his hand to cup Jensen’s check. “Maybe I’ll share the other two with you someday.” His thumb brushed across Jensen’s check just before his lips pressed against his. Jensen opened his mouth, invited Jared in and never wanted him to leave.

Jensen broke the kiss, leaned his forehead against Jared’s. “C’mon, let’s go home.”

“Yeah, home,” Jared said on a sigh.

Jensen had a crazy thought flit through his head of what it would be like to live with Jared full-time. But he shook it away quickly. Jared still had to finish up his degree and then get established at a job. Jensen was well aware of the stress that put on a person and didn’t want to add any pressure. What they had together felt so good and he didn’t want to mess that up. Of course, Jensen only had control over his own actions. Getting life to cooperate was a bit more difficult.


	6. Chapter 6

“Head’s up!”

Jensen looked up from his notes just in time to catch the CD case that flew toward him. Drew made a new music CD for him every week of songs he thought Jensen should be listening to. Some of them were okay, but what Jensen enjoyed most was the discussions he and Drew would get into about the music.

“Anything good?” Jensen asked reading over the song list.

“Of course,” Drew said derisively. “Listen to each song all the way through this time, huh?”

Jensen chuckled. “When you listen to a whole country song, then I’ll do the same with your music.”

“Yeah, that’ll happen,” Drew snorted.

“At least I give the crap you’re convinced is music a chance.” Jensen actually liked some of the songs Drew gave him, but he liked sparring with the young man far too much to let him know it.

“Hey, if you wanna continue being a tool, fine by me,” Drew shrugged, but Jensen saw the smile that was threatening to break loose.

Jensen chuckled as Drew wheeled his chair easily around some of the exercise equipment and felt a sense of pride flare at how comfortable his young patient seemed to be with using the wheelchair. Unfortunately, and not surprising, here still wasn’t any improvement or sensation below mid-chest. They were working on upper body strength and also how to protect Drew’s back, arms and hands as he would now be relying on them much more. 

When Drew stopped in front of the parallel bars, Jensen’s smile vanished as he watched the boy for a moment. There had been plenty of times that Drew had observed a fellow patient use the bars to improve their strength, balance, and assist them with walking. Drew never talked about his chances of walking; he was a smart kid and knew the score, as he’d said the day of his meltdown. It was sage advice to never say never, but the chances of Drew walking again weren’t very optimistic. 

“Doing okay?” Jensen asked casually, walking over to Drew, but if he didn’t want to talk about something, Jensen would never force the issue.

“I don’t wanna work with Katie anymore.” Drew kept his eyes on the floor, his fingers so tightly wrapped around the wheels of his chair, his knuckles were white.

That did surprise Jensen. It had seemed like Drew and Katie got along in all the previous sessions she was involved in. They laughed and talked, Drew even allowed her to tease him a little. 

“A problem I need to know about?”

Drew’s chin was against his chest and Jensen had to strain to hear him. “No. Just – if someone else has to be in on our sessions, maybe it could be… another guy?”

“If Katie’s done something –”

“She didn’t do anything!” Drew exploded, his head finally lifting, his eyes meeting Jensen’s for only a moment. He looked angry and embarrassed, but also something else that Jensen couldn’t place at the moment. Drew’s fingers flexed around the wheels of his chair and Jensen could tell he was getting ready to flee. Although Drew could evade him easily, Jensen stepped in front of him, momentarily blocking his path.

“Whoa, hold on a minute. C’mon, Drew, what’s going on?”

Drew mumbled something, his head down again, his shoulders slumped, as if he was trying to curl into himself. 

“Come over here,” Jensen said quietly, leading the way to the farthest corner of the room. They would still be visible to others, but at least it would give them some privacy. There weren’t any open offices at the moment and this was the best Jensen could do. Drew followed slowly and Jensen sat cross legged on one of the thick floor mats. 

“Drew, I really need to know if there’s a problem with Katie.”

“She’s pretty,” Drew said, his face suffused with color. “And she smells good. And – Jesus.”

 _Oh_. Not the first time a patient had been attracted to one of their therapists, wouldn’t be the last. It happened a lot actually. People felt grateful for the help and care they received here, feelings and emotions got tangled up and misinterpreted. “Okay, it’s not a big deal. I’ll get someone else to replace her. I’ll just explain –”

Drew’s panic filled eyes finally found his. “Don’t tell her why!”

“Drew –”

“Please,” Drew begged even as he looked as if he wished the floor could swallow him up.

“She’ll understand. You said it yourself, she is a beautiful woman and –”

“No! No, you don’t get it.” Drew sounded miserable and tears gathered in his eyes.

“You have to calm down, buddy,” Jensen said quietly. “It’s okay. Whatever’s going on, we’ll fix it.”

“You can’t, no one can. It’s not just my legs that are useless, you know!”

Now Jensen was getting a clearer picture. Drew lost all function below his waist, and that included sexual response.

“Have you talked to your doctors about this?”

Drew let out a long frustrated sigh and rolled his eyes. “C’mon, Jensen. Man, you’ve always been straight with me. I told you before, I don’t need you to analyze me, just – _listen_.”

Jensen didn’t feel in any way ready to handle this type of conversation, especially with someone as young as Drew. But it was hard to ignore the desperation in the young man’s voice. 

“All right, I’m here. Talk.”

“She makes me feel things, and yeah, I get it, that’s natural and all that blah, blah bullshit, but it’s not – not for me. You know? I can’t _do_ anything about it. I can’t do anything with any girl. Not the stuff I want to. I mean –” Drew looked around the room before he rolled his chair closer to Jensen and leaned in. “I never even _got_ a chance to have sex and now I won’t ever get to know what it feels like. What have I got to offer a girl? Nothing.”

Jensen opened his mouth to tell Drew he was sorry, but nothing came out. Drew had probably heard ‘I’m sorry’ more times in the last few months than anyone needed to hear in a lifetime. The fact remained, however, that Jensen didn’t know any type of answer to give him. 

Jensen remembered well his own teen years, and they’d been hell for him, hiding who he really was. And yes, sex the way he craved it, the way he wanted it, was a bit more difficult to come by – he had to be damn careful – but at least he could have it, experience it. Drew probably would be able to have sex with the aid of Viagra and some others stimulants, but he was right by saying he’d never feel it. He’d probably never be able to know what an orgasm felt like while having sex, not with the type of injury he had.

“Forget it,” Drew said as his eyes closed and he shook his head. 

“No. When it comes to getting the short end of the stick, you keep getting it, and I hate like hell that you have to go through all this. It sucks, man, there’s no two ways about it.”

“I just want to be fucking normal,” Drew said as the first tears slipped out. 

Jensen could relate to the desire to fit into what society deemed as normal. How many times did he think the same thing when he was younger? Every night in bed he’d pray to wake up in the morning and not have those feelings any more, that he’d be attracted to girls instead. He’d cry into his pillow in frustration, and shame, and anger because he knew, deep in his heart, not a damn thing was going to change, he could change being gay about as easily as he could the color of his eyes. It would be only an artificial cover. He would’ve been ecstatic to have had someone to talk to when he was fourteen, but he didn’t trust anyone enough. He had been too afraid.

“I understand that,” Jensen said quietly.

“Yeah, I thought you might,” Drew said as he swiped at his cheeks with the back of his hand.

“You need to talk to your doctors about this, Drew. Please. I’ll do whatever I can, but they’re the ones that can help you get through this.”

“My shrink already brought it up, but she’s, you know, a woman,” Drew said, his hands running up and down the curve of the wheels. “I just wanted to talk about it, man, to somebody who maybe could relate a little.”

“I’m sure there are others you can speak to that are or were in your situation.”

“No way,” Drew said, shaking his head furiously. “It’s hard enough talking to my doctor about it, I don’t want strangers knowing my business.”

“All right. Let me do some research then, see what I can find out.”

“There’s nothing – I’m useless.”

“Hey,” Jensen said, trying to catch the boy’s eyes and he didn’t continue until Drew finally looked at him. “I don’t want to hear any more of that kind of talk. Besides, I have more resources available to me than just Google. Give me a chance. Okay?”

“But the doctor’s said this is the way it is.”

“I won’t look into it if you really don’t want me to, but I don’t know a great deal about this, so if you want to talk, let me at least be informed about it.”

Drew snorted and his mouth twitched a little. “God, you’re such a geek.”

“Being a geek has its advantages,” Jensen said with a grin.

“If you say so,” Drew giving him a dubious look.

“As far as Katie goes, I have to tell my boss what’s going on, he’ll want to know if Katie’s doing a bad job or something.”

“Well she’s not,” Drew said vehemently. “I don’t want her to get in trouble.”

“Then please understand that I have to tell them. I won’t go into details, just say something like your attraction to her is affecting your ability to concentrate on your therapy.”

Drew let his head fall back and looked up at the ceiling. “Yeah,” he said finally. “I guess that works. It’s the truth. Katie probably gets hit on all the time.”

“Yeah, I’m sure she does.” Jensen stood then and made a sweeping motion with his arm. “You ready to get some work done today or are we going to stay in emo mode all afternoon.”

“Please,” Drew scoffed with a roll of his eyes. “You don’t even know what emo is.”

“I thought we already established I’m good at research.”

“Using the urban dictionary doesn’t give you street cred, you know.”

“Street cred, as if I need it,” Jensen said with a flap of his hand. 

Although Drew seemed okay with how they resolved the Katie situation, Jensen felt a tight knot in his stomach. This kid was getting to him in a way that he shouldn’t. Yes, he was supposed to care about his patients, and joking around and being friendly wasn’t discouraged, but Jensen was feeling something along the lines of friendship, maybe even a big brother kind of relationship. He needed to be careful to keep things as professional as possible, but it was difficult with Drew.

Jeff basically told him the same when they met at Jensen’s request at the end of the day.

“So, how’s it going with Drew Robinson?” Jeff asked, shuffling some paperwork on his desk, motioning for Jensen to take a seat.

“Good. Better than I’d hoped, but he’s also the reason I asked to see you,” Jensen said as he closed the office door.

Jeff gave him his full attention. “All right. What’s up?”

“It’s really not a big deal. I need to switch Katie out.”

Jeff studied him for a moment, leaned back his chair, and scratched at his beard. “He’s got a crush on her.”

“Yeah,” Jensen said with a relieved smile. “It’s interfering with his treatment.”

“Know who you want for her replacement?”

“Sean would be good.”

Jeff pursed his lips and nodded his head slowly. “That could work. I’ll speak with Debbie, see if she wouldn’t mind switching out Sean for Katie.”

“I’ll ask her,” Jensen said. “I’d rather she hear it from me, knows she has a choice.”

“Debbie’s not like that, she’s cool. Besides, I’d never make it mandatory. You guys always get to choose your own team, so if she doesn’t want to lose Sean, then you should have a back-up plan.”

“Yeah, of course. I’ll talk to Katie, too.”

“Good,” Jeff said, leaning forward and resting his forearms on his desk. “Now tell me how it’s really going.”

“Everything is good,” Jensen assured him with a nod.

“You’ve gotten close to him.”

“He’s a good kid, still has a lot of bad days, but he’s trying.”

Jeff looked at him with warm, sympathetic eyes. “You need to be careful, Jensen. You’re his PT first and foremost.”

“I understand that,” Jensen said, stiffening.

Jeff held up his hand, said calmly, “Now simmer down. I’m not saying you’ve done anything wrong. In fact, quite the contrary as you’ve done a great job with getting Drew to do the work, but I also know you feel protective of him. You’ve got a review coming up with his dad, don’t you?”

Jensen nodded. “End of the week.”

“What are you going to tell him about Katie?”

Jensen hadn’t even really thought about it. He never looked forward to his meetings with Ben Robinson. Jensen didn’t doubt the man loved his son, but he also pushed Drew hard, still insistent that he would walk again in the very near future. Therefore, he thought Drew’s progress was too slow.

“I’m not sure yet,” Jensen admitted with a sigh.

“I don’t think you need to get too detailed. Saying that it’s a necessary change for Drew’s treatment may do it.”

“Yeah hopefully,” Jensen said, but didn’t want to count on that being the case. “Nothing is that easy with Drew’s dad.”

“I can handle it if you’d like.”

“No. I’ll keep it to the minimum like you suggested. That’ll have to be good enough for him. I owe a duty to my patient, confidentiality wise at the very least, and Drew’s my patient, not his father.”

“Okay,” Jeff said with a nod. “Let me know if you need any backup.”

“Thanks,” Jensen said, getting up and heading toward the door, feeling better about Katie, but the upcoming review wasn’t going to be a picnic.

~o0o~ 

Jensen was dragging by the time he made it home. He felt like shit knowing there wasn’t anything he could do to help his young patient. The enormity of everything that had been taken away from Drew was hitting Jensen square in his chest and sitting there like a log, weighing him down. But there was a bright spot to his day, and that was seeing Jared sitting on the front stoop waiting for him.

“Hey,” Jensen said with a tired smile as he walked up to Jared. “What are you doing out here?”

“You missed all the action,” Jared said shortly. He looked like he might be angry and Jensen sure as hell didn’t want to have to deal with that. He hoped whatever it was, it would be an easy fix.

“Action?”

“Three cop cars at the house up the street.”

Jensen looked down the road to where Jared had indicated. Everything looked normal.

“Caught a guy that was breaking into houses a few blocks over, was starting on your block next.”

“Oh yeah? Good thing they caught him,” Jensen said as he sank down beside Jared. “How’d you find out anyway? You talk to the cops?”

“No, I spoke with your neighbor, Mrs. Milligan. She was out on her front porch watching the arrest when I pulled up.”

Mrs. Milligan was an older lady, sweet as could be, living off of her deceased husband’s small pension and some social security. He was afraid that she might be one of those statistics where she had to decide if she should buy food or her prescription medications. Jensen tried to help her out whenever he could by taking in groceries, fixing a loose floorboard, or listening to her ramble on about her grandkids that never visited.

“She said that it’s been in the papers and on the news about this guy hitting houses in the area for the last two weeks,” Jared continued. “Why didn’t you say anything to me?”

“I don’t get the paper, and you may recall I don’t have much time to watch the news,” Jensen said with a wry grin.

“But this is important, Jensen,” Jared insisted.

“You said they nabbed him,” Jensen said with a frown, wondering why Jared wouldn’t let this go.

“Yeah, but what if they didn’t? What if you were home and he broke into your house?”

Jensen pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. “Could we not do this tonight? It’s been a helluva day.”

“Jensen, you need to be safe,” Jared said, his voice softening. “I’m just worried about you.”

“I get that, I really do, but could we talk about it later?”

Jared gave him an assessing look and Jensen could see some of the tension melt away from Jared’s shoulders. “Sure. Something bad go down at work?”

“Yeah.”

“Want to talk about it?”

Jensen would love nothing better than to get it all off his chest, to have someone to sympathize with, but Drew had told him in confidence and there wasn’t any way he would betray that. “No,” Jensen said shortly. “I can’t.”

“Can’t or won’t,” Jared pressed, and Jensen didn’t know if it was because he was in a bad mood or if Jared actually sounded a bit petulant.

“Jared, I’m telling you, it’s been a bad day. I _can’t_ talk about it, not that I don’t want to. Leave it.”

“All right,” Jared said, his voice quiet but his words stiff.

Jensen took a deep breath, let it out slowly, laid a hand on Jared’s thigh and squeezed lightly. “Hope to hell your day was better than mine.”

“Actually, it was pretty awesome,” Jared said with a smile.

“Yeah?” Jensen couldn’t help returning it and felt the pressure ease off a little, glad that Jared was willing to go with the change of subject. “What was so awesome about it?”

“Chad, Sandy and I took a little road trip, went to an outlet mall, walked around for hours.”

“You didn’t go to class?”

“Nah, took the day off,” Jared said with a casual wave of his hand.

“You do that often?”

“Dude,” Jared gave him a questioning scowl. “What’s the deal? It’s only one day. I’ve already set up to get the notes and stuff I missed.”

“You’re right,” Jensen said, letting it go. What did it hurt to miss one day? “Better not get too used to it. Once you start working for a living, you won’t be able to play hooky on a whim.”

“That’s what sick days are for,” Jared said with a teasing chuckle.

“Sure,” Jensen said softly, let his hand slide away from Jared.

Jared was quiet for a moment before saying quietly, “Jen, if you’d rather I take off, I will.”

“Maybe it would be for the best. Just tired and pissed off tonight.”

“Oh.” Jared sounded surprised, and Jensen guessed that Jared probably hadn’t really meant it, or had expected Jensen to tell him to stay. 

“Jared, I’m sorry, but – everything is getting on my last nerve right now and I have some research to do anyway.”

“What? For Drew?” Jared asked, derision evident in his voice.

“Are you looking to get in a fight, is that what this is all about?” Jensen asked, standing up. “This is my job.”

“Not twenty-four/seven it’s not. Wasn’t he doing better?”

“This is personal.”

“Personal? I thought you weren’t supposed to get personally involved with patients.”

“I can’t talk to you about this, Jared, why won’t you understand that?”

“You’re working too hard. This kid is twisting you inside out. For weeks you were barely sleeping while you tried to figure out a way to get through to him and now you’re letting him do it all over again.”

“I’m not _letting_ him do anything. Jesus Christ, he’s suffered a serious trauma, several of them, he’s got some issues to work out. If I can help him with that, I will.”

“Doesn’t he have a psychiatrist to do that – work through issues?”

“Jared, I swear to God, you better drop this right the fuck now.”

“Fine,” Jared said, standing. “I’ll call you later.”

“Okay fine,” Jensen agreed, watched as Jared walked to his truck before Jensen’s anger started to dissipate. “Jared, I’m sorry. I just can’t.”

Jared stopped and turned, said quietly, “I know. It’s okay. Go in and do your work.”

Jensen let his head fall back, his hands on hips, after Jared had pulled away. Why was it that bad days had a tendency to keep getting worse? How much was he supposed to take? After a moment, he went inside, hoping there was some way he could forget about everything, even if it was only for an hour or so.

~o0o~ 

Jared walked into his house to find Chad on the couch, his laptop and a few books surrounding him. A pencil was tucked behind his ear and a notebook leaning against his chest. Obviously Chad was already catching up on the day of classes he’d missed. Something that Jared should probably be doing.

“What are you doing home so early?” Chad asked, his eyes focused on his keyboard.

“Where is everyone?”

“I dunno. Out somewhere,” Chad answered, his attention still on whatever he was working on.

Jared flopped down into one of the chairs and let his legs sprawl out in front of him. He wasn’t even sure what he was feeling. How had he gone from being worried about where Jensen lived to being so pissed off he could hardly see straight?

Chad finally looked up at him with a frown. “What happened? Jensen have to work late?”

“We got in a fight.”

“Ah. First one, eh?” Chad asked sympathetically.

Jared couldn’t even comprehend how Chad would know that. “I didn’t think you paid attention to my romantic relationships.”

“ _Dude_ ,” Chad said, sounding highly offended. “You’re my friend. Of course I fucking know what’s going on with you. Just ’cause I don’t go all girly and sit with you in our PJs to flail over your superlicious boyfriend doesn’t mean I don’t care.”

In fact, sometimes Jared did forget things about Chad. Even though it seemed like Chad was a spastic, scatter-brained asshole, he really wasn’t. Chad was very intelligent, didn’t always have his common sense intact, but was loyal to a fault. If a friend was in need, he would try to help in any way possible.

“He’s worried about that kid he’s treating. Something happened today and he won’t tell me,” Jared said feeling the anger bubble up again.

Chad closed his laptop and set it and the notebook aside. “What, something at work?’

“Part of it, anyway.”

“Part of what?”

“The cops were there.”

“At his job?” Chad asked, his eyes wide.

“No, where he lives.”

Chad’s demeanor changed, his body tensing, eyes narrowing. “His house? What the fuck, dude?”

“No, not at his house,” Jared said with a frustrated sigh.

“Okay, start from the freakin’ beginning. What started the fight?”

“Me, I guess.”

“Jared!” Chad said with a growl of impatience. “Stick to the facts. What happened when you went over there?”

“When I got to Jensen’s, he wasn’t there, but three cop cars were down the street from his house. They captured some guy that had been breaking into houses a couple of blocks away from Jensen’s. Guy roughed up one of his victims a little, who was unlucky enough to be home asleep when the creep broke in. It’s a crappy neighborhood and I hate that Jensen lives there just because the rent’s cheap.”

“Yeah, okay,” Chad said with a ‘get on with it’ motion and Jared realized he had probably complained about that before. “What did you do when Jensen got home?”

“I was pissy with him. I didn’t even notice that he looked worn down, that maybe he had a shitty day. Instead, I got on him about not being concerned that a criminal was just caught practically in his front yard.”

“You do have a right to make sure he’s cautious in that neighborhood, but yeah, you probably could’ve picked a better time to do it if he was worried about that kid.”

“I didn’t really know what had happened at the point and then I was seven kinds of stupid because I offered to leave, give him some space, and I was so sure that he was going to say that he wanted me to stay, but he didn’t. Said it might be for the best. That stung, man, and when I found out he needed to do some work for Drew’s case, I pushed him. I said stuff I didn’t mean and – fuck!” Jared scrubbed his hand through his hair at his own dumbassery.

“Jay,” Chad said quietly, moving so that he was sitting on the edge of the couch. Jared rolled his head toward him and saw the sympathy in his friend’s eyes, making him feel even lower.

“I was jealous of a fourteen-year-old, Chad. Worse, a fourteen-year-old that lost his mom, his ability to walk, and is probably so fucked up in the head right now, he needs someone like Jensen on his side.”

“I think you better be saying all this to Jensen, man, not me.”

“If he’ll even talk to me.”

Chad grunted and rolled his eyes. “Quit being a giant drama queen and call him.”

Jared realized Chad was probably right and huffed out a small laugh. “Thanks, Chad.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Chad said, making a shooing motion with his hand. “Thank me by taking your giant ass into your bedroom.”

“I mean it,” Jared said, getting up and walking toward his friend.

“Stop right there,” Chad warned. “I know what you’re thinking and absolutely not. No hugging!”

“Aww, c’mon, you love my hugs,” Jared said before he got his arms around Chad’s wiry frame.

“Do not,” Chad denied even as he returned the hug, but only for a moment before he was pushing at Jared’s shoulders. “Now get offa me!”

Jared gave his friend an extra squeeze before letting go. “I’m telling Jensen you called him superlicious.”

“Whatever, dude,” Chad said with a roll of his eyes. “He knows he’s a hotass, and you probably tell him it all the fucking time, too.”

Jared laughed because, yeah, it was all true, but he knew Chad was being a bit ridiculous just to make him feel better. “Thanks,” he said again before heading to his bedroom, but once there, he wasn’t sure what he should say to Jensen. He hit the speed dial, hoping something would come to him by the time Jensen picked up.

“Hello,” Jensen answered, sounding tired and cautious.

“So, I figured maybe I should call Chris and ask him if I could borrow the bad boyfriend song to sing to you, but since he wrote it for Alona, that might not work so well for me.”

“No, maybe not,” Jensen said with a chuckle. 

The sound of it had Jared smiling in relief, but he sobered quickly. “I’m so sorry, Jensen.”

“I am, too,” Jensen said, his voice harsh with regret. “I brought things home that should have been left at the hospital.”

“We were both irritated and I was being an ass about it. I wouldn’t let it go.”

“Jared, I wish to hell I could talk to you about this –”

“No,” Jared interrupted quickly. “Look, I was in the wrong here. I was being selfish and overprotective.”

“You were right about some of it. It probably would be a good idea to invest in an alarm system.”

“Yeah?” Jared said, brightening a little.

“I don’t own a lot of things, and if someone really wants them, they can have them, but you were right about being safe, keeping us both safe.”

“Thank you, Jensen,” Jared said softly.

“So how about a movie and dinner Friday?”

“DVD or theater?”

“Theater, and a restaurant, no take out.”

“That sounds like an awesome idea.”

“So, find a movie you want to see, I’ll choose the restaurant, and I’ll come pick you up on Friday around six.”

“A real date, huh?”

“Yep,” Jensen said, huffing out a laugh. “Make sure to wear something pretty for me.”

Jared’s head fell back as he laughed, all the tension and bad feelings finally dissipating. “Aww, you don’t think I’m pretty enough now?”

“I was talking about your clothes, didn’t say anything about your face.”

“What’s wrong with my clothes?”

“Not a damn thing with t-shirts and jeans.”

“Oh, so you want me to dress up for you. I will if you will.”

“Wear something pretty?”

“Something special and I’ll do the same.” Jared was only half teasing.

“All right,” Jensen said, his voice dropping low. “I can do that.”

“I’ll see you Friday then.”

“Call me tomorrow?”

“Absolutely,” Jared promised. “Don’t stay up too late, huh?”

“No, I won’t.”

“G’night, Jensen.”

“Night,” Jensen said quietly and Jared could hear the smile.


	7. Chapter 7

Jensen had purposefully chosen Friday to go out with Jared. Not only would it give them a couple of days apart, but Friday was the day he had a review meeting with Ben Robinson and he wanted something to look forward to after that. Meetings with Drew’s father never went easily.

Katie had understood the reasoning for her reassignment, took it well, and Debbie and Sean both agreed to him being switched to Drew’s case. On Thursday night Jensen had a relaxing phone conversation with Jared, just chatting about their day and Jensen almost fell asleep just listening to the sound of Jared’s voice, so he was balancing those good feelings with the sense of dread for the upcoming review.

Jensen had also been glad for the time to devote to research. A new and exciting development in treatment of spinal cord injuries was unveiled Thursday morning and Jensen had spent all his free time learning about it and calling everyone he could think of to see if Drew would be able to participate in the study. He wasn’t having any particular success at it, and he meticulously documented all of his contacts, along with his research. Knowing Mr. Robinson, they’d be talking about it at the meeting.

Jensen was already in the small conference room when Sean came in, dropped into one of the chairs, and opened a can of soda. They’d had a chance to go over Drew’s treatment plan, his progress, and the areas that needed their attention. Jensen also warned Sean about Ben Robinson, but most likely Sean wouldn’t have to say much at this meeting since he’d not actually had the opportunity to work with Drew yet.

When Mr. Robinson walked in with an armful of magazines and printouts, Jensen groaned internally. _Wonderful_. This meeting was definitely going to be long and arduous.

It wasn’t really a surprise to see the genuine smile on Mr. Robinson’s face as the recent news brought a lot of hope to those afflicted with spinal cord injuries. “Mr. Ackles. And I’m sorry, I don’t know your name,” he said sounding slightly breathless as he turned to Sean.

Jensen quickly made the introductions as Mr. Robinson took a seat. “Where’s Ms. Cassidy?”

“She’s been assigned another case,” Jensen said. “It was a necessary change.”

“Does Drew know?” Mr. Robinson asked with a small frown.

“He knows Ms. Cassidy was going to be reassigned, but he hasn’t met Mr. McGregor yet.”

The older man’s voice was quiet, sounding more reflective, maybe even a bit hurt, as he said, “He didn’t mention it to me.”

“I’m looking forward to working with your son, Mr. Robinson,” Sean said, his voice self-assured, but friendly.

“Have you worked with adolescents prior to this?” Mr. Robinson asked, still sounding a bit shell-shocked.

“Yes, sir,” Sean answered with a nod.

Mr. Robinson turned his eyes toward Jensen, asked, “And you believe he’ll work well with my son?”

“I do,” Jensen confirmed.

“All right,” the older man said quietly. “I’ll let Drew know about the change when I get home.”

That went better than expected but Jensen felt like there was more and he waited for the other shoe to drop. He didn’t have to wait long as Mr. Robinson’s next move had a magazine sliding toward Jensen, already opened to an article. Jensen had previously seen it. It was a report on the test study being done with stimulators being implanted into the spine of a paraplegic man and it was what Jensen had spent all of his free time with on Thursday and most of the morning. The article was brief and accurate, stating the patient had been able to stand on his own and even walk a few paces on the treadmill. It had taken two years to get him to his current status, and the scientists that developed the technology weren’t even completely sure how it was working. 

“Yes, I’ve read this,” Jensen said, matching Mr. Robinson’s smile. “It’s very exciting.”

“I want to get this for Drew.”

“We can’t yet,” Jensen said with true regret. “It’s in the initial stages of testing.”

“But it says right here that it’s been two years,” Mr. Robinson said, jabbing a finger at a copy of the article he had in front of him.

“True, but that was just to get him ready to stand and walk.”

The frown that Jensen was used to seeing appeared as Mr. Robinson asked, “You’re not even going to try to get it for Drew?”

“I’m already on it, but you shouldn’t get your hopes up. There are only four more test spots open. I assure you that the study is going to move slowly and cautiously. I can supply you with the contact information if you’d like to check for yourself.”

“I’ve spoken to Drew about this and he’s ready to go for it.”

Jensen closed his eyes briefly. He hadn’t been sure how Drew was going to react to the news that although it made the probability of him walking again look brighter, he’d probably have to wait years before he got the chance to see if it was something that would work for him. The study wasn’t complete yet – there was no analysis as to whether someone with an injury such as Drew’s would regain any type of feeling back. Drew was smart, there was no way he missed how cautious the scientists were being, choosing their words carefully so as not to provide any false hope. But Drew was also still just a teenager filled with dreams and desires and that normal life he craved looked a hell of a lot closer than it had been a few days ago. Jensen didn’t want to crush any of that for the young man, wanted to keep moving forward with his current progress, and could only hope that Drew would remain optimistic.

“Mr. Robinson, I’m sorry, I really am, but I don’t think Drew would be able to get into the testing. They’ve probably had the spots filled for at least a year now, waiting to see how the initial recipient responded.”

“Have you really looked into it? Why haven’t you said anything to Drew? Are you afraid that you’ll lose the money he’d bring in if he switches to this new treatment, has to move to a different facility?”

Jensen took a deep breath before answering, “Absolutely not, Mr. Robinson. Drew’s wellbeing is uppermost in our minds.”

“Mr. Robinson,” Sean said, clearing his throat. “I know you aren’t familiar with me yet, but I’ve worked with Jensen for a long time now. He wouldn’t do anything to harm your son, nor would he inhibit any treatment.”

The older man ignored Sean and locked onto Jensen as he said, “I think it’s time to bring your supervisor in on this.”

“All right,” Jensen said, turned to Sean and murmured, “Please go see if Jeff is available to join us.” He was grateful that Sean moved quickly and hoped like hell that Jeff wasn’t otherwise occupied.

“I know Drew likes you,” Mr. Robinson said, his voice strained. “But he’s only a boy. I know what’s best for him.”

“Mr. Robinson, whether you believe this or not, I honestly do want Drew to make a complete recovery. It’s my job and my privilege to see to that.”

Jeff entered the room, his manner easy going, but his smile tight. “Mr. Robinson, I hear you have a question about the new findings in epidural stimulation.”

“Yes, absolutely. Mr. Ackles states that there’s no hope in getting this kind of treatment for Drew.”

“No hope?” Jeff asked quietly, giving Jensen a quick glance. “I don’t know if that’s true. What I do know is that Mr. Ackles already has made several calls and made dozens of inquiries into the study. He’s been very diligent about it. There are several factors working against your son right now.”

“And those are?” Mr. Robinson asked, sounding defiant and drumming his fingers lightly against the table.

Jeff’s gaze flicked down to Mr. Robinson’s fingers before answering. “As you know, Drew has a complete spinal cord injury, classified as A-level. He doesn’t have any feeling below his injury. The test subject did have some feeling and is classified as B-level. Although I’m sure the scientists are anxious to get an A-level patient into their study, there are over one million Americans with spinal cord injuries. Mr. Ackles was told that Drew could definitely apply to be a test subject, but the likelihood that they haven’t already chosen all the candidates is highly improbable. Drew has been placed on a waiting list.”

“Why wasn’t he placed on it immediately? As soon as the severity of his injury was discovered? Didn’t you know about this a long time ago? The article said, and Mr. Ackles confirmed, that they’ve been working with this man for two years. Drew should have been placed on the list as soon as your department was involved with his case.”

“I’m afraid it doesn’t work like that, Mr. Robinson,” Jeff said with quiet understanding. “This is an amazing discovery, and until they had some success with it, they weren’t going to open it up for national consumption. And given the fact that Drew’s injury is very recent, there wasn’t any way for us to get him on any kind of list that would have mattered.”

Mr. Robinson rubbed his hand slowly over his jaw before turning his attention to Jensen. “Why didn’t you talk to Drew about this? You never really answered me, and don’t give me some bullshit answer about you care about his wellbeing.”

“The article only came out yesterday. Drew’s next session is on Monday. Besides, he’s still having some difficulties with accepting his injury, his current limitations, which is not uncommon at all. I wanted to research it thoroughly before I spoke to him about it,” Jensen answered carefully.

“What are you going to tell him?”

“Exactly what I’ve told you. I wouldn’t lie to your son, Mr. Robinson.”

“It’s not just one article that you have to look at,” Jeff interceded.

Mr. Robinson threw up his arms with a frustrated grunt. “I’ve read several of them. I’ve even spoken to Drew’s surgeon, his physician. They all agree that Drew would be a good candidate.”

“That’s all well and good,” Jeff said, but Jensen saw the challenge in his boss’ eyes. “I spoke to them also, and they said as far as they were concerned, he would be able to go forward with the study as long as our department was in agreement. That discussion also included his psychologist, and she wasn’t going to offer an opinion until she spoke to Drew about it.”

“I want the names and numbers of those Mr. Ackles contacted about this study.”

“I have them right here,” Jensen said, pulling a sheet of neatly typed names and numbers out of his folder.

Mr. Robison took the paper from Jensen and looked it over carefully. “I’ll warn you, if any of them say Drew has a better chance of getting into the study by moving him to another facility, to a different part of the country, I won’t hesitate to do it.”

“I’m very glad to hear that, sir,” Jensen said sincerely.

~o0o~ 

Jensen was almost late getting to Jared’s because he’d spent a long time in the shower, letting the hot water relax his tense muscles. It’s not like he and Jared never went out, but he did want to make this different. Let Jared know he valued their time together. Tonight was for the two of them and anything related to work would be kept exactly where it was supposed to be.

They’d already agreed to go out to eat first and then see the movie Jared had picked out, which was probably going to be the new Johnny Depp. Jared had a huge crush on the man, and Jensen didn’t blame him. The actor had those dark, intense eyes, was sexy, had a wicked smile, and a sense of humor to match.

Jensen bounded up the few stairs to the porch and knocked on the door. Jared was there a second later, a smile on his face, and he’d definitely give Johnny a run for his money any day of the week. He wore dark blue jeans that fit him snugly, flaring out slightly at the bottom, the knees and top of the thighs faded and looked like they’d be sprouting rips and tears any day now. A black button down stretched across his chest perfectly, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and the top two buttons remained open at his neck were more than inviting. But something seemed a little off in the way Jared held himself.

“Everything okay?” Jensen asked.

“Yeah. Chad’s throwing a major hissy fit, otherwise I would’ve invited you in. Just thought I’d spare you the drama.”

“All right,” Jensen said with a shrug. “Hope you’re hungry.” Jared threw him a ‘seriously?’ look and Jensen laughed. “Yeah, stupid statement.”

As he drove, Jensen couldn’t help but notice that Jared kept squirming in his seat every few minutes. Jensen asked a couple of times if there was anything wrong, but each time Jared’s answer was the same. He was fine. Jensen couldn’t help but think maybe it was still aftereffects from their fight, but he let it go. Until Jared was ready to talk, there was no need to push it.

They didn’t have a long wait at the restaurant for a table as Jensen had thought ahead and made a reservation. Once they were seated and their drink and appetizer order taken, Jared excused himself to use the restroom.

Both the drinks and the appetizer made it to the table before Jared did. Jensen had almost gone to check on him when Jared slid back onto his chair, his face flushed and looking uncomfortable.

“Jared, if you’re sick, I’ll take you home. We can do this another night.” Jensen frowned with concern.

“I’m not sick,” Jared said, but he looked a little miserable.

Jensen caught their waitress’ eye and she hurried over to them. “Can I get the check please,” he asked her quietly.

“No, c’mon, Jen. I don’t want to leave.”

The waitress looked between them before she gave Jensen a questioning look. “Give us a minute,” he murmured. Once she was out of range, Jensen gave Jared a level look. “Tell me what the fuck’s going on, Jared.”

“Nothing,” Jared said with an over-bright smile. 

“Try again.”

“It’s nothing bad, I promise.”

“Oh, that’s not ominous at all,” Jensen said dryly.

“I just want to enjoy tonight, Jensen. It’s nothing, I swear.”

“Are still upset about the other night?”

“No,” Jared said more forcefully, then threw in a hangdog face that no mere mortal could resist. “Please, let’s enjoy our night out. I’ll tell you all about it later. It’s really not bad. Okay?”

“All right,” Jensen agreed with a sigh, because he was, after all, only human. If Jared ever figured out a way to bottle that look, he could make a fortune.

Jared seemed to settle after that and they enjoyed their meal, although he noticed Jared didn’t eat as much as usual. The conversation was good, though, and they soon had each other laughing about inane things, and Jensen felt the earlier tension and worry melt away. Jared was right, they need to enjoy the evening.

They finished their meal in plenty of time to get to the theater and Jensen grumbled, “You’re so predictable,” when Jared bought their tickets for the new Depp flick.

“Like you don’t think he’s gorgeous, too.” Jared said, bumping his shoulder into Jensen’s as they walked through the lobby. “Want some popcorn? Candy?”

Jensen scrunched up his face. “We just had dinner. How can you even think of eating anything else?”

“I’m a man of many talents,” Jared said, patting his belly, but he walked past the concession stand with nary a look.

“Being a bottomless pit is a talent?”

“Sure, if not, then there wouldn’t be a necessity for eating contests.”

“I didn’t realize those were an essential part of life.”

“Absolutely. Where would we be without the IFOCE?”

“Uh, what the hell is the IFwhatever?”

“International Federation of Competitive Eating,” Jared said, leading them to a couple of choice seats in the middle of the theater.

“No way,” Jensen said as they settled in with a few moments to spare before the previews started.

“Yeah, they sanction contests all over.”

“Okay, I don’t know what’s scarier, that there is such an organization or that you know it exists.”

“Sometimes you can catch a competition on ESPN.”

“Just so you know, I will never be watching something like that,” Jensen said, not even wanting to think about seeing someone stuff their face with food as fast as they could.

“No worries, Jen, I’ll find you an appropriate contest for you – like watching grass growing.”

“Are you inferring that I’m boring?”

“No,” Jared said seriously, but then ruined it by laughing, which he promptly got shushed at from someone behind them. Jared scooted down as far as he could go in his seat, but couldn’t stop giggling.

“Dude, you aren’t twelve. It’s not that funny.”

“I can’t help it, who gets told to hush during the previews?”

“Obviously you do.”

A loud huff sounded from behind again, followed by a grumbled, “Some people.”

“Sorry,” Jared said, looking over his shoulder. “We’ll be quiet now, I promise.”

Jensen rolled his eyes, but really, he thought that Jared was endearingly cute with the sincerity of his apology. Jensen situated himself into a more comfortable position, scrunching down as far as he could so he could lean his head against the back of the seat. As soon as the previews were over and the lights went down fully, Jared took Jensen’s hand into his own, lacing their fingers.

The movie started out okay, but Jensen struggled to stay awake after the opening sequence. Jared seemed to be suffering the same fate as he kept changing positions every few minutes until he finally leaned over and whispered in Jensen’s ear, “Gonna hit the concession stand. You want anything?”

Jensen merely shook his head and sat up and pulled in his legs so Jared could get out of their row. Jensen leaned his elbow on the armrest and propped his chin on his fist as he waited for Jared to get back. He must have dozed off because he felt someone sit down in the seat beside him and he was disoriented for a moment, not recognizing what was going on in the movie. He looked over, and he couldn’t be sure because of the darkness of the theater, but Jared didn’t look too happy.

“You okay?” Jensen whispered.

“You mind if we go?” Jared asked, moving his legs like he was trying to find a comfortable position for them.

“Jared –”

“If you want to stay, it’s okay.”

Jensen’s answer was to stand and Jared shot up beside him and they exited the theater. “Did something happen?” Jensen asked as soon as they cleared the doors.

“No, just was kinda – uh, bored.”

Jensen wasn’t buying it, but decided it was better to wait to have this conversation someplace more private. As soon as he slammed the car door shut, started the engine and they both had their seat belts on, he asked, “Gonna tell me what’s really going on?”

Jared shrugged. “Wasn’t a very good choice for a movie date. Should’ve picked something different.”

“Uh huh.”

“Can we just go to your house?” Jared asked, looking apologetic.

“Whatever it is –”

“We can talk about it when we get there,” Jared said as he occupied himself with finding a radio station and turned the volume up. The conversation was effectively tabled for now.

As soon as Jensen pulled into his drive, he cut the engine, which also killed the radio. The car was quiet for a moment and Jensen was just opening his mouth to ask once more what had been going on tonight when Jared finally volunteered the information.

“I had what I thought was a brilliant idea, only it’s – not so much. In theory, it’s pretty fucking hot, but, man, I would really advise against wearing panties when you’re out on a date.”

“Did you – dude! _Panties_?” Jensen choked out. He must have misunderstood.

“I know. Ultra hot, right?” Jared said with a smirk, but then he squirmed. “I don’t know how women do it. The lace is kinda itchy.”

Jensen blinked. “Lace?”

“Yeah, they’re black and they’re lacey all over actually, but it’s really stretchy, so mostly it’s comfortable. Except when you have a hard on, but I don’t guess women have a problem with that.”

“Jared.”

“Yeah?”

“Shut up and get your ass in the house,” Jensen said opening his car door, but almost strangled himself when he forgot about his seat belt.

Jared eyes twinkled with mischief and crowed triumphantly, “I knew you’d like it! I really wanted to try and –”

“No. Talking,” Jensen said, jabbing his finger at Jared with each word before finally managing to get his seat belt undone. 

“I can’t believe you’re wearing panties,” Jensen said, hurrying to his back door, getting his key ready to slide into the lock. “And you didn’t even say anything until now.”

“Actually, I hadn’t planned on telling you,” Jared said casually. “It was gonna be all show, baby.” He hesitated and his voice softened. “But then you were wigging out at how weird I was acting.”

Jensen closed his eyes briefly. His hand shook and it took two tries to unlock the door. “You really don’t get the concept of ‘no talking’ do you?”

Jared’s only response was an evil chuckle and Jensen was struck by a horrible thought.

“Please tell me those aren’t Sandy’s – or anyone else’s for that matter.”

“No,” Jared said with a full on laugh. “Sandy went with me to Victoria’s Secret though.”

“You went _shopping_ for them?”

“Well, yeah. I mean, you were about ready to get grossed out if I was wearing someone else’s panties. I wanted to pick my own out.”

“And did you buy them when you were at the outlet mall?”

“No,” Jared said, his smile finally slipping away. “We went out yesterday. I just wanted to do something special for you and kinda kick off some awesome make-up sex.”

That pushed the thoughts of Jared in sexy underwear away for the moment. They stood in the kitchen, the only light in the room provided by the moon. “Jared, you don’t have to do this. We’re going to get into arguments sometimes. It’d be weird if we didn’t.”

“I agree, but this was just for fun. You’re the one that told me to wear something pretty for you.” Some of the playfulness came back into Jared’s voice and it was hard to miss the invitation in his eyes.

“I did do that, didn’t I?”

“Uh-huh,” Jared said with a nod and a flirty raise of his eyebrow.

Jensen dropped his eyes to the floor and slowly took in all of the gorgeous man that stood before him. The hard on that started the second Jared had announced he was wearing panties grew even more uncomfortable trapped behind Jensen’s fly. He crooked a finger at Jared and as soon as he started to move forward, Jensen turned and led the way toward the bedroom. Jensen sat down on the bed and leaned back on his elbows.

“Strip,” he ordered, lowering his voice, felt like it was scraped raw from a fire burning within.

Jared didn’t hesitate to start, kicked off his shoes first thing, but it seemed like it was taking him forever to get each button free on his shirt. Jensen was the one that felt fidgety now and it was an effort to keep still watching Jared’s nimble fingers as they exposed miles of tanned and toned skin. As the shirt hit the floor, so did Jensen, on his knees right in front of Jared.

“Jensen,” Jared said his name on a sigh. 

He looked up into Jared’s eyes for a moment before he focused on his task. Licking his lips, Jensen popped open the button on Jared’s jeans, unzipped them, and when he first saw the scalloped lacey edge of the panties, he leaned in, pressed a kiss there. He heard a gasp and felt Jared’s hands land lightly on top of his head. In normal circumstances he probably would’ve reveled in the touch a bit longer, but he needed to see. Good God almighty, Jared was wearing panties and if he didn’t get to see that right the fuck now, Jensen knew he’d lose his mind. He shucked Jared’s jeans down his legs, helped him step out of them before ghosting his hands back up the muscular legs.

And then there it was. Jared’s erection barely contained by black lacey panties and there was no way in hell Jensen would’ve been able to stop himself from touching the silky material. Which he didn’t. The material was softer than what he’d imagined as his fingers smoothed over it. He could feel the heat of Jared’s skin searing through. Spanning his hands to touch as much as he could, he moved them slowly, and he could hear Jared whispering, but couldn’t even fathom how he’d be able to piece together any actual words to comprehend what Jared was saying. It probably didn’t matter anyway, if he was telling Jensen to stop or something equally as evil, Jared would need more than words to do that.

As his fingers followed the top edge of the panties around to Jared’s ass, he leaned forward again, mouthed Jared’s erection through the material, breathed in the scent of his boy and fabric softener. Shit, that was making Jensen’s own cock ache and leak. Jesus, it was so fucking hot that Jared had washed the panties, planned it all out, wore them all through dinner and as much of the movie as they’d been able to watch. It explained every twitch and trip away from Jensen, and he had to press the flat of his palm against himself to ease some of the pressure at the thoughts of Jared adjusting himself in the men’s room of the nice Italian restaurant and probably the theater as well.

Jensen sat back onto his heels and looked up at Jared. “Get on the bed,” Jensen said. “And no touching. That’s all mine.”

Jared smirked, leaned down and grabbed a slow, wet kiss before he got on the bed, mimicking Jensen’s pose from earlier. Jensen had meant to give Jared a little something back, tease him some by taking his clothes off slowly, but seeing him there, his legs splayed, the heat in his eyes, the quiver in his belly as Jensen approached the bed. But fuck it, he just needed to feel Jared against him and he shed his clothes in record time.

He stretched out on top of Jared, and the panties that had been soft to the touch of his fingers was a little like sandpaper against his sensitized dick. “Christ, Jared, you know how fuckin’ sexy you are?”

“Not half of much as you, ordering me around,” Jared panted before capturing his mouth again. “God, do something. Please, you’re driving me crazy.”

“I’m not gonna last long,” Jensen warned.

“You think I will? Shit, it’s like been four fuckin’ hours of foreplay for me.”

It was probably Jared’s wrecked voice that pushed him over the edge and Jensen needed to come, no more waiting. He slid halfway off Jared, shoved his hand down the panties, wrapped his hand around Jared’s cock as he rutted against his leg. Jared’s hands were in his hair, guiding Jensen back to his mouth, and Jensen wasn’t even sure it you could call it kissing, it was more like they were breathing each other in. But when Jared bit down on his bottom lip, just enough pressure to make it uncomfortable, Jensen lost it and came with a loud groan, made his hand stutter and stop for a moment, but it didn’t matter. Jared’s hand was there, covering his, guiding him until Jared arched, threw his head back against the pillows, and Jensen could feel Jared’s cock pulsing, the sounds he made making Jensen rub up against Jared again.

When Jared had recovered some, Jensen kept his hand where it was, and kissed Jared, deep and long until they were both breathless once more. As Jensen pulled his hand out and free of the material, Jared make a face. “Ugh, dude, I gotta get out of these. This is way worse them coming in your boxers, trust me. They have no absorption factor whatsoever.”

And Jensen took that as an invitation and helped him out of the skimpy material, positioned himself between Jared’s legs and used his tongue to clean him up. After taking a wide swipe up Jared’s stomach, Jensen said, “Don’t even think about ever throwing those away.”

Jared laughed softly, his smile wide as he answered, “Hell no. I’m thinking we need to get a pair for you.”

“Kinky bastard,” Jensen said after another swipe of his tongue.

“That wasn’t a no.”

“Mmmm,” Jensen hummed against Jared’s skin.

“We’re totally going shopping tomorrow,” Jared said before he gasped as Jensen licked and sucked, any attempt at conversation was effectively forgotten.


	8. Chapter 8

In the four months that Jared had been dating Jensen, there was never a time that Jensen was late that he didn’t call or at least text. They were supposed to go to a movie tonight. One that had started twenty minutes ago. He tried calling and texting, hell he even called the hospital but was told everyone in the physical therapy department was gone. 

Finally, Jared couldn’t stand it any longer and decided to take matters into his own hands and drove over to Jensen’s house. His car was in the driveway, but the house was dark. Jared let himself in, called Jensen’s name, but didn’t receive an answer. He flicked on the kitchen light and called out again before he ventured into the living room. He could see Jensen sitting on the couch.

“Jen, are you okay?” It didn’t take a genius to know something was wrong, but it could’ve been a lot of different things. Truth be told, it started to freak him out a bit, Jensen was too quiet and he’d obviously been sitting in the dark.

Jared sat down beside him, wasn’t sure what to do, so he stayed still. And waited. He figured it was about five minutes or so before Jensen said flatly, “You shouldn’t be here.”

“Why?”

Jensen still wouldn’t look at him, just shook his head.

“Jen, please, you know you can talk to me.”

“Don’t wanna talk to anybody. Doesn’t do any good anyway.”

Jared put his hand on Jensen’s knee which finally caused some type of reaction. Unfortunately it was the total opposite of Jared had hoped for. Jensen shot off the couch as if he couldn’t stand to be touched.

“C’mon, man, please. You’re scaring the shit out of me. What? Did something happen at work?”

“Drew Robinson killed himself last night.”

Jared felt like he’d been sucker punched. He had to swallow hard to find his voice. “What? Why? He’s only fourteen.”

“He just –” Jensen stopped and shrugged his shoulders, shook his head. 

Jared got up, moved toward him, but Jensen started to back away. Okay, he got that Jensen was closed off right now, was probably trying to deal with this thing. “Jen, can I – I’ll just sit here with you.”

“No,” Jensen said as his eyes finally found Jared’s. “You need to leave.”

“You shouldn’t be alone right now.”

“He was just a patient. I’m fine.”

“No, he wasn’t and you’re not fine.” Jared had no idea how to handle this. He knew there were stages of grief, and for sure Jensen would be going through them, and Jared didn’t want to leave Jensen alone.

“Go home, Jared.” Jensen turned and walked to his bedroom. “I’ll call you later.”

“You promise.” Jared hated how wobbly his voice sounded, but he was too fucking worried to care much. He needed something, some reassurance from Jensen.

Jensen stopped and looked back over his shoulder. “Yeah.”

It didn’t inspire much confidence but Jared felt he had no choice. He made it as far as the door, even had his hand on the goddamn doorknob before he turned back around and camped out on the couch. No way was he leaving Jensen. He’d give him his space by staying out in the living room, but he couldn’t just go.

Jared spent a restless night, barely slept as he kept listening for any sound, any sign at all, that Jensen might need him. He must have managed to fall asleep though because he was jerked awake by a sound from the kitchen. He had a headache and his back was sore as he stood and stretched before he walked into the kitchen.

“You shouldn’t have stayed,” Jensen said as he poured some coffee, not even bothering to turn around.

“I couldn’t leave,” Jared said quietly. Jensen sounded horrible, tired and still kind of spaced out.

“Not very good company right now.”

“I don’t care about that.” He walked up to Jensen, wanted to put his arms around him, just hold him until – shit, Jared didn’t even know, but it was killing him to see Jensen hurting so bad.

Jensen finally turned but after just a brief glance at Jared, his eyes skittered away, locked onto the floor. “Think the funeral is going to be Monday.”

“What time?”

“I’m not sure yet. I’ll find out later.”

“Doesn’t matter, I’ll just take the day off from classes.”

That brought Jensen’s head up sharply. “What?”

“I’ll come with –”

“No!” Jensen slammed his mug down on the counter and then was on the move, stalking past Jared. “You can’t miss your classes.”

“None of that matters right now,” Jared said, not ready to give up as he followed him.

Jensen stopped in the living room and Jared was relieved he at least turned and faced him again. “I don’t need you here. I told you last night. It’s not a big deal. Besides, after the funeral, I’ll have to go back to work.”

“But –”

“I spent all day yesterday with the team and hospital administrators and I don’t even know who the hell else. We had to go over my sessions with Drew, my plan. I had to _defend_ myself, my work. Do you not get that? I had to show that nothing I did in any way was responsible for Drew – for this. And there’s more to come. I have to do it over and over and over again!”

“You were helping him. I know you were.”

“Please, Jared. The best thing you can do for me is go to your classes.”

“And what? You weren’t even going to call me? If I hadn’t come over last night –”

“Of course I would’ve,” Jensen said softly.

“I was worried.”

“I know and I’m sorry.” Jensen sighed, his shoulders slumped, and the raw pain in his eyes that he finally let Jared see almost cut him in two. “I’m just – I’m not thinking real clear at the moment. It’s fucked, it really is, and I _am_ sorry for that. I just gotta process it, that’s all I’m saying.”

Jared could understand the confusion Jensen was feeling, but Jared was scared, too. He was afraid that he was going to lose Jensen over this, and that also made him a bit angry, at both himself and Drew Robinson. He wished Jensen would talk, tell him what was going on in that head of his. It had to have thrown him. Jensen was a man who liked to plan things out, and this, Jared had a feeling, wasn’t going to be something that would be easy for Jensen to get over.

“All right,” Jared agreed reluctantly. “Call me tomorrow.” He could see Jensen hesitating, was going to try to fight him on this, but Jared couldn’t back down. “Please, Jen.”

“I can do that,” Jensen said with a very small, tired smile.

Jared wrapped him up in a hug and felt a surge of relief when Jensen not only let him, but returned it as well. It wasn’t anywhere near like the embraces they’d shared in the past, but at least it was better than Jensen not even accepting his touch.

It was one of the hardest things he’d ever had to do, but he left Jensen and spent the weekend moping around the house. Jensen called him on Sunday, but the conversation was short, only long enough to tell him that the funeral was indeed Monday morning and no, he didn’t want Jared to come with him.

On Monday, Jared had been tempted to go to the funeral anyway. He felt like he kind of knew Drew Robinson from all that Jensen had told him about the young boy. But he wasn’t going to lie to himself. He knew the main reason he wanted to go was to see Jensen. God, he missed him and was still out of his head with worry.

It was after seven in the evening when Jensen finally called and mercifully let Jared come over when he asked. Jared brought food, but neither of them ate much. He stayed the night, and Jensen barely spoke but he didn’t move away from Jared’s touch.

The rest of the week was as horrible as Jensen had predicted. Each night Jensen got home and sounded and looked more beat down than the day before. He started to withdraw more and more. Jensen never asked Jared to leave, but he started to feel like Jensen didn’t even care or realize he was there.

“Maybe we could do something this weekend,” Jared suggested as they sat on the couch Friday night watching the news. “Get out of town.”

“I can’t,” Jensen said with a sigh, not taking his eyes off the TV screen. “I have to go to work tomorrow. Another meeting.”

“Oh. Okay. Well, we can do something after.”

“I don’t know how long it’s going to last. It’s a final review of everyone involved in Drew’s treatment at the hospital.”

“Jensen, you’re running on fumes. Can’t they schedule it for Monday?”

“I’m not the only one involved. It was what fit with everyone’s schedule. It’ll probably take most of the day.”

“I’ll be here when you get home, then,” Jared said, his voice firm to let Jensen know he wasn’t going to accept any arguments.

“I’m not that much fun to be around right now, Jared. Tomorrow isn’t going to be any better.”

Jared tried to press down his anger and keep his voice even. “I’m not here just for the fun times, Jensen. You would be there for me if I needed you.”

Jensen turned his head and gave him a look. Jared had no idea how to interpret it or even what was going through Jensen’s mind. He looked done in, almost defeated and Jared felt a new surge of anger toward the situation. 

“Yeah, okay,” Jensen said, finally. “I’m going to bed. I need to be at the hospital early tomorrow.”

Jared turned off the TV, made sure everything was locked up and the alarm turned on before he followed Jensen into the bedroom. He took off his clothes, let them fall to the floor in a heap, and then crawled into bed beside Jensen. The only thing that made it at all bearable was when Jensen snuggled up against him, his back to Jared’s front. Jensen wanted him there and that was a hell of a lot better than being told he should leave.

~o0o~ 

When Jensen arrived at the conference room, he was relieved to find Jeff already there. This morning it had been difficult leaving Jared, whose silent presence had been a comfort to him. He wished he could’ve expressed it better to Jared, but it seemed like he had understood. Now Jensen was anxious to put all of this mess behind him.

“How are you doing?” Jeff asked as his eyes assessed Jensen.

“Ready for this to be over.”

“You’ve done a great job this week, Jensen. No one is questioning your abilities.”

Jensen fought back a snort at that. Right. Barely two hours after hearing of Drew’s death he was facing a room full of lawyers…

_“Mr. Ackles, this is an informal meeting,” Wayne Hobson, general counsel for the hospital, spoke first. He was older, probably late fifties, early sixties. His silver hair styled neatly, his suit immaculate, a pen poised over a legal pad in front of him. “We’re just here to gather information, to be prepared for any and all scenarios.”_

_“I understand,” Jensen said and tried to relax. Informal his ass, but at least he had Jeff there with him. Mostly Jensen was numb._

_“We’ll be talking with all staff that were involved with the treatment and care of Drew Robinson,” Mr. Hobson continued, smoothed his hand down his tie, but his gaze never wavered from Jensen. “However, you were in charge of Drew’s physical therapy ...”_

Jensen rubbed a hand over his face then through his hair and put the memories on lockdown. “I’m just so fucking tired.”

“I know,” Jeff said sympathetically. “Not only have you been putting up with all this for days, but you’ve been keeping up with all of your patients.”

“I’ve been thinking,” Jensen said quietly and a bit unsure. “I have some vacation and sick time, available. Would like to have some time off.”

“Definitely,” Jeff said with a nod. “Whatever you need. I just need to know when and how long.”

“Right away. If possible? Maybe two weeks.”

Jeff scratched at his beard for a moment, and looked as if he was trying to work a schedule out in head. “Okay, yeah, we can handle that. After the meeting, come down to my office and we’ll take care of your leave request.”

The meeting was brutal. There was no finger pointing as Jensen feared there might be. All doctors, nurses, and everyone that had direct care of Drew Robinson went through their notes, their thoughts and impressions of the tortured young boy. 

Drew’s psychologist, Dr. Samantha Ferris, provided the most insight and praised everyone involved in Drew’s care for their efforts. Jensen liked her, she had a no-nonsense attitude, but he could also see how much Drew’s death had affected her. She had to stop several times as her voice broke and she seemed to struggle to get her emotions under control.

She spoke of how Drew had been adept at hiding. He was unable to get past the feeling that he shouldn’t have survived the crash and his mother hadn’t. Ben Robinson hadn’t helped the situation, but Dr. Ferris thought he might have come around at some point, but he had still been reeling from the loss of his wife and the severe handicap his son would be facing. Ultimately, Drew didn’t even give himself a chance to heal, to truly let in those that had wanted to, and could, help him.

When it was his turn to speak, Jensen read through his treatment notes and gave his general impressions of Drew. Even though Jensen hadn’t been accused of anything, he still had to repeat the facts, so many times throughout the week, every session, all the talks he had with Drew, any and all interaction was scrutinized. Jeff stood by and backed him the whole way. Not only was Jensen grateful for his support, but it also made him feel somewhat better that he had done his job right, that he knew what he’d been doing.

At the end of the meeting, Dr. Ferris addressed everyone once more. “I encourage each of you to attend grief counseling. You may not think you need it, but at least schedule one session.”

Everyone filed out of the room, but Jensen wasn’t fast enough and Dr. Ferris caught him before he could make it out the door. “Jensen,” she said with a warm smile.

“Dr. Ferris,” Jensen said and tried to return the smile. 

“He talked about you,” she said softly.

He shook his head, didn’t want to hear this. Couldn’t.

“He admired you.”

“Please don’t,” he mumbled.

“You’re dealing with a lot, I understand that.” She held out a business card. “Take it. Call me whenever you’re ready. Anytime, day or night.”

He stared at the card for a while, and she kept it there, steady, until he finally grasped it between his fingers.

“Don’t even try to lose it,” she said with a small, knowing grin. “I know where you work, I’ll come and hunt your ass down just to check up on you. Don’t think I won’t.”

Jensen gave a surprised snort, found himself returning the grin, for real this time, even if only momentarily. He looked down at the card, her name and several phone numbers printed on it. “Okay. I’ll keep it and I’ll – I’ll call if I need you.”

She studied him a moment. “Be sure that you do.”

Jeff had waited for him in the hallway and they went to handle Jensen’s leave. Jeff tried to get him to talk, but Jensen only wanted to get out of there. He knew everyone meant well, and maybe he did need to get things out, talk about them, but he just couldn’t right now, and didn’t want to analyze anything else. He wanted to forget, just for a little while, but first he had one more thing to do.

Jared was at the house, waiting for him just like he’d promised, when Jensen got home. For the first time this week, Jensen walked straight to him and hugged him tight. He’d been letting Jared take care of him, barely even acknowledged him at times. He needed Jared to understand this wasn’t about him.

“It’s over,” Jared said softly. “Right?”

“Yeah,” he agreed hoarsely and he stepped away from him. “Jared –”

He could see Jared tense up. “What? What is it?”

“I’m taking some time off.”

Jared looked relieved. “Oh. That’s good. You deserve it.”

“I’m going to go visit my parents for a while.”

Jared was silent for a few moments. “A while? What’s that mean?”

“Two weeks at least.”

“Okay.” Jared swallowed. “When are you leaving?”

“In the morning.”

“Oh.”

“I need to get out of here, be alone, try to – I just need this, Jared. I know it doesn’t make any sense.”

“No, it does,” Jared insisted. “I’ll – please call me when you get there.”

“Yeah, okay.” It wasn’t much, giving the promise of a phone call, but it was the best he could do. The most he could offer at the moment. He knew he wasn’t giving Jared much of a choice, but he wasn’t lying about the fact that he needed some time alone. He needed to get back on track and he felt like he was drowning here. 

“All right. I’m staying tonight, though. See you off in the morning.”

Jensen nodded. He forced himself to eat the food Jared put in front of him and even later tried to relax enough in Jared’s arms to fall asleep. 

In the morning, things were no less awkward between them. Jared helped him pack the essentials, insisted on carrying his bag out to the car, and gave him a long hug and a soft, slow kiss before leaving, his fingers tracing over Jensen’s face as if he were trying to memorize it. 

Jensen watched Jared’s truck until he couldn’t see it any longer before he got into his own vehicle to make the four hour drive to his hometown and hopefully some peace of mind. There was one more thing he had to do, however, before that could happen, and he dug his phone out of his pocket and hit the speed dial.

“What’s up?” Chris asked instead of hello. Jensen had called him the day after Drew’s death, but hadn’t talked to him since.

“I’m bugging out for a while. Can you catch my mail for me?”

There was silence for a moment before Chris asked quietly, “Why didn’t you ask Jared?”

“Because –” He had no good reason why he hadn’t, not one that Chris would like at any rate. “I’m asking you. You gonna do it or should I call Steve?”

“Of course I will,” Chris said, sounding offended. “So where you going? You tell Jared yet?”

“My parents and yes, Jared knows.”

“How long?”

“At least two weeks.”

“All right,” Chris said with a sigh of acceptance. “You call me if you need anything.”

“I will.”

“You better, or I’ll come down there and kick your ass. You know I will.”

“Yeah,” Jensen answered with a sad smile. It was the most he could manage at the moment. “I know.”

“I don’t have anything going on today. I could drive down there with you.”

“Thanks,” Jensen said and meant it. Chris was someone he could always count on to have his back in any situation. “But I need to do this alone.”

“Be careful. Talk to you later.”

“Okay, later.”

Jensen started his car and eased it out of the driveway and onto the road. It was too quiet in the car, but he didn’t want to listen to music, turned on talk radio instead. It was a long drive and he hoped that once he made it to his parents he’d be in a better frame of mind.

~o0o~ 

Jared kept checking his phone all day, hoped for a text at the very least. It was after five when Jensen’s ringtone finally sounded.

“I’m here,” Jensen said when Jared picked up.

“Thanks for letting me know,” Jared said as his pen tapped against his open notebook that had been waiting for him to write notes into since at least noon.

“I would’ve called you earlier, but as soon as I got in, my mom tried to feed me and then had to make a big production about getting me settled into my room.”

“ _Did_ you eat anything?”

“Yeah, she made me all my favorites,” Jensen said, his voice a little too light, too forced. “Really good to have some home cooking, you know?”

“Sure, can’t ever get enough when I go back home.” It was a horribly stilted conversation, but at least Jensen wasn’t rushing to end it and that had to count for something.

The silence stretched between them for a few moments before Jensen cleared his throat. “Look, I better go. Pretty tired from all that driving.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“I’ll call you in a few days, Jared.”

“Take care of yourself, Jen. Whatever you need.”

“Thanks. I know you don’t really understand,” Jensen said with a big sigh and Jared imagined him rubbing his hand through his short, spiky hair like he did whenever he was at a loss for words. “Fuck, I don’t myself.”

“It’s okay.” Which was a lie. It was about as far from okay as it could be in Jared’s book. But he wanted to at least try to give Jensen what he asked for and it wasn’t like he wouldn’t have anyone around. He was with his family now and that was some comfort to Jared.

“G’night, Jared.”

“Night.” He wanted to say ‘I love you’, but they hadn’t said that to each other yet and he didn’t want Jensen to think he was saying it for the wrong reasons. He moved the phone away from his ear and stared at it, the ‘call disconnected’ that flashed on the screen mocked him.

~o0o~ 

Jared lasted through four days of silence before he started going crazy. He’d run though his list of options a thousand times. He wanted to respect Jensen’s need for space. Wanted to wait until Jensen called him. But he also really wanted to _know_ Jensen was alright. He knew the name of Jensen’s hometown, figured there couldn’t be too many Ackles around, but calling Jensen’s parents to check up on him couldn’t possibly go over big. Yeah. Understatement much?

It was Friday, the beginning of the fifth day that Jared finally caved and sent Jensen a text. He wasn’t really surprised not to get an answer. He tried calling next. It went straight to voice mail and Jared did leave a message, but he had no idea what to say after, “Hey, Jensen, it’s me,” and sat there, breathed into his phone for a moment before ending the call with, “Hope you’re okay. Please call me.”

He felt kind of like an idiot as he drove over to Jensen’s house only to sit in his truck. He was there for an hour, staring at the darkened house like some fucking lovesick teenage stalker. But he also caught a break. Chris’ truck roared into the driveway and as soon as Chris jumped out, headed straight for Jared.

“Missing your boy?” Chris asked as he rested his forearms against the open window, and leaned in a little. 

“You could say that.”

“You hear from him?”

“Only once, day he got there. I called him earlier. Left a message. He hasn’t called back.” Jared paused and rubbed his hands through his hair. “I was trying to give him what he asked for. You know, space.” 

“Sometimes we don’t always know what’s good for us.”

“Then why aren’t you down there?”

“I called his mom, he’s doing okay,” Chris said quietly as his eyes assessed Jared. “I’m not the one he wants to see, though.”

“He won’t even answer his phone.”

“All this time you been with him and you haven’t figured out what a stubborn cuss he is?”

Jared rolled his eyes. “Well, yeah, of course. This is different. I know he’s blaming himself. He feels guilty. I don’t even know what to say to him, how to make this all right.”

“You don’t think you just being there will help?”

“He doesn’t want me around right now. He made that perfectly clear.”

“Again, that’s just him being a hardhead.”

He was never sure how Chris really felt about him. He had always seemed okay with his and Jensen’s relationship, but then there were times when Chris came across as a sarcastic son of a bitch that would sooner punch him in the face than talk to him. It wasn’t lost on Jared that the guy was going out of his way to reassure him, give him some advice.

“So what, you came over here special to tell me all of this?”

Chris shrugged. “I was just gonna bring in the mail but saw your sorry ass sitting here. It would’ve been impolite to ignore you.”

Jared snorted. “Yeah, ’cause you’re so well-mannered.”

Chris chuckled before he took a step away from the truck and gave him a long look. “I figure Jen isn’t sleeping well, probably awake most nights. If you leave now, you could be there around eleven or so.”

Jared didn’t even try to pretend that he wasn’t going to go. “If he gets pissed off that I came down there, I’m blaming you.”

“Wouldn’t expect anything less,” Chris said with a grin. “You got a good memory, or you need to jot these directions down?”

Jared opted for writing them down as he didn’t want to miss a turn and get lost. After Chris wished him luck and made him promise to check in with him in the morning, Jared went home and threw some clothes and personal effects into a duffle, talked to Sandy and Chad and gave them a quick rundown on what he was doing. It felt like he couldn’t catch his breath, even as he sat behind the wheel of his truck and the road signs whizzed by. He called Jensen every half hour, but still had no luck. He didn’t leave any more messages.

He had actually made good time, not a lot of people on the road this time of day once he got on the highway. The Ackles house was lit up and Jared took that as an encouraging sign. He didn’t want to wake everyone up when he knocked on the door. He left his duffle in the truck just in case this turned out to be the worst idea he’d ever had.

A woman he assumed was Jensen’s mom, Donna, answered the door. 

“Hello, uh, my name is Jared Padalecki,” he said with what he hoped was a sincere smile.

“Jared,” she said warmly. “Please come in.”

“I’m sorry to just show up here, Mrs. Ackles.”

“Please, it’s Donna, and I’m glad you came.”

“You are?”

“Jensen’s told us a lot about you.” 

“He has?” God, he must sound like an idiot.

“Yes, of course,” she said, her smile still warm and friendly. “It’s good to finally meet you.”

Huh. _Finally_? So Jensen had been talking to his parents about him? That was a bit – surprising. Jensen had never mentioned it.

“I know this is weird. I should have called or something. I wasn’t really thinking when I saw Chris and he gave me the directions,” he said apologetically.

“Please, Jared, I was serious when I said I was happy to see you.” She looked sad, though, almost like she was going to cry. “He’s closed himself off so much and I’m at my wit’s end on how to deal with him.”

“I was afraid of that,” he said quietly. “He hasn’t answered my text messages, all my calls go to voice mail.”

“Oh, sweetie,” she said, her voice full of caring and sympathy, “I don’t think he’s turned his phone on once since he’s been here.”

“Hon, I can’t find…” a man entered the room and stopped short when he saw Jared.

“Alan, this is Jared.”

“Oh.” Jensen’s dad looked a bit flustered for a moment before sticking his hand out to Jared and giving him a tentative smile. “Nice to meet you, son.”

Jared took the offered hand. “I apologize for coming without calling.”

“Jensen’s upstairs,” Alan said quietly. “Last door on your right.”

“You… you don’t mind?”

“No,” Alan said with a shake of his head. “Just wish you would’ve come sooner.”

Jared felt a flush crawl across his cheeks. “Yeah, me, too.”

“Go on up,” Donna encouraged.

He forced himself to go up slowly, not at a dead run like he wanted. There was no light coming from under Jensen’s door, so Jared gave a couple of sharp raps before opening it cautiously. The hallway lamp cut a swath into the room and he could see Jensen lying on his bed, his back toward the door.

“I’m all right, Mom,” Jensen said with a sigh.

“Jen,” he said softly, unsure and afraid of what type of reaction he was going to get.

Jensen rolled over quickly. “Jared?” 

Jared really hoped that he wasn’t imaging that Jensen sounded glad to see him in just that one word. That he looked happy Jared was there. He was on the bed and had Jensen wrapped up in his arms before he could even think about it.

“Damn, I missed you,” he said against Jensen’s neck, was glad that Jensen was holding onto him just as tight.

“I can’t believe you’re here,” Jensen whispered.

“You checked out on me, man. I could hardly stand it.”

“I know. I just –” Jensen pulled back a little and looked into his eyes for a moment before he touched his lips lightly to Jared’s. The kiss changed almost immediately to more demanding, hungrier, and Jared let himself get lost in it.

Soon the kisses tapered off and Jared was pretty well happy just to be holding Jensen in his arms. He hadn’t been sure that was ever going to happen again.

“I’m sorry,” Jensen said, his voice low and raw.

“I know this has you freaked.”

It took Jensen a few moments before he said anything further. The words were broken and hard to listen to, but Jared was so relieved that Jensen was finally talking. “He OD’ed on some prescription pain meds. His dad found him and a note saying he was tired and he couldn’t do it anymore. Mr. Robinson’s a mess. I don’t know if he’s gonna make it through this one. He blames himself.”

“Just like you.”

“I was actually the one that saw him the most besides his dad.” Jensen’s voice was harsh, barely above a whisper and Jared knew he was having a hard time talking.

“He was in counseling,” Jared said quietly. He could hardly bear to hear the pain in his boyfriend’s voice. “If they missed it, how were you supposed to pick up on it?”

“I don’t know. Every time I think of him, it just rips me up. He was only fourteen, Jared. And yeah, I get that it hurt like hell to lose his mom, and to have something that most people take for granted like walking taken away, but why? Why did he do it?”

“No one has the answer to that, Jen,” he said softly.

“I don’t know,” Jensen repeated. “I just don’t fucking know anything anymore.”

Jared could see the trail of Jensen’s tears and it broke his heart and for a moment he had to crush down the flare of irrational anger he felt toward Drew. “It’s okay, you don’t have to figure anything out tonight.”

Jared held onto him tight as Jensen cried. It was silent for the most part, and Jared didn’t let go, hoped it conveyed that he wouldn’t leave him. Jared was tired and his eyes were getting heavier and heavier, but he didn’t want to sleep until Jensen did. Whatever Jensen needed, Jared wanted to be able to provide it.


	9. Chapter 9

Jensen woke up alone in bed and he thought maybe he’d dreamed it all, but then he saw the large duffle that sat by the door. Jared _was_ here. 

He sighed as he swung his legs out of bed and picked up his cell phone and turned it on for the first time since he’d called Jared on Sunday. It was already late morning, Jensen could tell by the shadows that fell across his room. He was a little surprised, however, when he read the time on the display of his phone. Twelve-thirty. 

It wasn’t surprising that he wasn’t sleeping very well, but he didn’t really want to think about why this was the first time since the whole mess started that he’d slept more than two hours at a time. He scrubbed at his face as his guilt, anger and a sense of hopelessness filled him once again. Last night was the first he’d shared anything about how he was feeling with anyone outside the hospital. He could still hear the general counsel’s voice that first day – still reeling after the news of the boy’s death by his own hand – pounding at him with question after question.

_“I’ve had the opportunity to go through your notes. You were quite thorough.”_

_“It’s part of the job,” Jensen bristled._

_Mr. Hobson gave him a small smile. “Yes, it is, and unfortunately it’s times like these that necessitate it, even though it’s tedious. Now, at the beginning of your sessions with Drew, you stated that he didn’t want to do the work. What did you do on those days?”_

_“We did basic movements, keeping his muscles from atrophy was important. We also worked on transfers and getting him acclimated to using his wheelchair.”_

_Mr. Hobson made some notes, his head bent to the task, didn’t even look up as he asked, “And who is ‘we’?”_

_“Katie Cassidy. She was the initial therapy assistant on the case.”_

_“Mmm-hmm,” Mr. Hobson said, scribbled again and finally looked up. “We’ll get back to Ms. Cassidy later. Now tell me, how did you get Drew to agree to participate in physical therapy?”_

_“He was scared and angry. It took a while to let go of all that, but I didn’t do anything to get him to agree to work. Drew decided that on his own.”_

_“Understandable,” Mr. Hobson said with nod. “However, I would like to know what precipitated it. Did you talk with him about it?”_

_“Yes, of course. It’s part of my job to help a patient understand what’s happening with their injuries, how therapy can make things better for them.”_

_Mr. Hobson tapped his pen against the pad a moment, his eyes never leaving Jensen as he asked, “Did you tell Drew Robinson you’re gay?”_

_Jensen ground his teeth together and took a deep breath through his nose. “Yes.”_

_“Do you share that information with all your patients?”_

_“No.”_

_“Why Drew?”_

_“Look,” Jeff said, his voice harsh, “I don’t know what you’re inferring, but Jensen would never –”_

_“Please, Mr. Morgan, I’m not accusing Mr. Ackles of anything,” Mr. Hobson said, holding up a hand. “We don’t want to be blindsided by anything. The more I know now, the more I can deflect.”_

_“Drew was a hurt, confused young man,” Jensen said. “I knew, as anyone sitting in this room does, that physical therapy would be something that would be an asset for Drew later on. I wanted to help him. I needed him to trust me, wanted him to know that I had some understanding of what he was going through.”_

_“And you could do that by telling him you’re gay?”_

_“It wasn’t about me being gay,” Jensen said, trying to remember that this wasn’t a personal attack against him. “It was about being afraid that I’d disappoint my parents, that they wouldn’t accept me, but ultimately nothing beats the power of your parents’ love.”_

_“And that was the entirety of your conversation regarding your sexual orientation?”_

_One of hospital administrators, Jensen couldn’t remember her name, shifted in her chair and cleared her throat, giving a pointed look to the attorney before turning her attention to Jensen. “Mr. Ackles, no one is making an issue of you being gay, or your work ethic. Please, if you could just walk us through your notes, that would be appreciated.”_

_Jensen gave a short nod and flipped open Drew’s file. He hated going through everything as it brought back in detail all the time he’d spent with the young man. A couple of times he had to stop, take a drink of water to try to choke back the emotions that threated to overflow. It wasn’t until he got to Katie that the questions started again._

_“Please elaborate,” Mr. Hobson said. “Why was the change necessary?”_

_“Drew had developed a crush for Ms. Cassidy.”_

_“Yes, that’s effectively what your notes reflect,” Mr. Hobson said, the pen tapping away again. “Mr. Robinson wasn’t told this?”_

_“No.”_

_Mr. Hobson sighed and laid his pen on the legal pad with deliberate care. “Mr. Ackles, I remind you again that this is not a slight on you. We must know the facts.”_

_“It was a private conversation. Drew didn’t wish for his father to know, didn’t really want anyone to know.”_

_“Why?”_

_“Because he was embarrassed,” Jensen said hotly._

_“Do you think Ms. Cassidy encouraged Drew’s affections in any way?”_

_“Absolutely not.” It was getting increasingly difficult to keep perspective as the attorney kept hammering away at him. “She’s every inch the professional and would never do anything to cause harm to a patient. Or the program for that matter.”_

_Mr. Hobson turned his attention to Jeff. “Mr. Ackles came to you, did he not, to effectuate the change?”_

_“Yes, of course,” Jeff said, his hands on the table in front of him, fingers laced, flexing. “Mr. Ackles explained what was going on and I agreed that a new therapy assistant should be assigned to Drew’s case.”_

_“And what did you tell Ms. Cassidy?”_

_“I didn’t. Mr. Ackles insisted on talking to everyone himself. I approved of that also.” There was a challenge in Jeff’s voice, daring the attorney to call him out on his statement._

_“And what was Mr. Robinson’s reaction to the news that Ms. Cassidy would no longer be working on the case?”_

_“He seemed fine with it, just taken aback as to why his son hadn’t mentioned it to him prior to our review,” Jensen answered._

_“Wasn’t that the review that Mr. Morgan needed to be called in on?”_

_“Yes. Mr. Robinson was excited about the new spinal electric stimulant case study. He wanted Drew to participate. He wanted to make sure that we were doing all we could to get Drew the best care available.”_

_“Were you aware that Mr. Robinson contacted several other treatment facilities regarding that?”_

_“No. I gave him all the information I had. I assumed that’s what he would do.”_

_“Did you speak with Drew about the new case study?”_

_“Yes. He was excited about it, disappointed that he probably wouldn’t have a chance to participate, but there was new hope that he’d walk again someday.”_

_Mr. Hobson picked up his pen again, tapped lightly a few times, a habit that was grating on every one of Jensen’s nerves. “What is your impression of Mr. Robinson?”_

_Jensen didn’t hesitate. He’d had a long time to try to figure out Ben Robinson. “He’s a driven man, used to getting what he wants. I believe he feels guilty for the accident, that he feels he was partially to blame for it since he should have been driving. He would’ve done anything to help his son.”_

_“Do you think he was a hindrance to his son’s recovery?”_

_“Yes, at times. Loved ones sometimes can’t see the long-term.”_

_“Do you blame him for Drew’s suicide?”_

_“No. Drew’s decision was – his own,” Jensen said, hating the way his voice broke._

_“Yes, it was,” Mr. Hobson said quietly, a look of sympathy in his eyes. “Would you like to take a break, Mr. Ackles?”_

_Jensen cleared his throat and shook his head. He just wanted the damn meeting over and done with. Thankfully the rest of the review passed without much interruption and Mr. Hobson ended the meeting with a final question._

_“Mr. Ackles, you’ve described your last sessions with Drew as positive and that he seemed to have a new determination. Do you still stand by these statements?”_

_Jensen thought he might hate the lawyer at that moment. He knew the guy was just trying to do his job, suss out any potential liability, hell, maybe even prepare Jensen for some other attorney asking the questions, but it didn’t mean Jensen had to like it._

_“Yes, sir,” Jensen said, trying to keep his tone even. “Drew was working hard, he told me he felt accomplished. I was proud of him and he seemed – content.”_

_Mr. Hobson was scribbling some notes down before he raised his eyes back to Jensen’s and for the first time he thought he saw an apology in the man’s eyes. “Thank you for coming in, Mr. Ackles. I appreciate your time and your honesty.”_

_Jensen couldn’t wait to be gone from the conference room and hustled out the door after a brief exchange with Jeff, who had to stay through some more meetings with the other staff._

Jared’s laughter from downstairs pulled him out of his thoughts, and he was drawn to the sound as surely as metal couldn’t resist the pull of a magnet.

He quietly went down the stairs, avoiding the creaky spot on the third step from the bottom, and stopped on the last one as his mom spoke about Jensen’s love of music. She sounded happy and carefree, her voice light instead of filled with concern. It sounded like it was just a normal kind of conversation and that was something he craved more than anything at this point – normalcy. So he stayed where he was and listened.

“Jensen learned to play from his dad,” his mom said. “I know I sound like a boastful mother, but he’s very good.”

“Yeah,” Jared said and Jensen could hear the smile in his voice, but also a bit of wistfulness.

“So, you’ve heard him play? Chris had been trying to get him to join his band since – gosh, forever it seems like.”

“Well, Chris tried to get him up on stage a few times at one of their gigs, but Jensen flat out refused. But we were at a bonfire and he, Steve and Chris sang a few songs. Steve even shoved his guitar at Jensen and he played some.”

“There was a time when I thought maybe that was the dream Jensen was going to follow.”  
Jensen hadn’t even realized his mom knew he’d seriously considered joining Chris’ band.

“So, he just gave all that up?” Jared asked.

“Well, he had a choice to make.” He heard what he thought was guilt in his mom’s voice and he didn’t like it, but he wanted to hear the rest of what she had to say. “Sometimes I worry that his father and I pushed him too hard, especially his last year in high school. I know he loves his job, but there are times I wonder if he felt like he _didn’t_ have a choice. I know how much music and playing his guitar means to him.”

“I’ve never even seen it and his house is so damn small, I know I would’ve run into it by now.”

“Yes, that house,” his mom said with a hint of disgust.

“You don’t like it?”

“I hate him being in that neighborhood, but he’s too much like his father in some ways. No sense wasting money until he’s ready to buy a house.”

Okay, enough of all that. “Morning,” Jensen said as he stepped into the kitchen. It was then he could see what Jared and his mom were doing. They were baking cookies.

“Would you like something to eat?” his mom asked, her smile fond and some of the worry that had been etched in her eyes since Jensen arrived on the doorstep was gone.

“I can get it,” Jensen said as he snuck a cookie off the cooling rack. Jared smacked his hand with the spatula. “Mmm, peanut butter.”

“Oh man, your mom makes the awesomest cookies ever,” Jared said before he stuffed one in his own mouth, chewed for a moment. “Besides my mom, of course.”

“Now don’t you two go spoiling your appetites,” she admonished lightly.

“Trust me, Mom, you couldn’t feed him enough to even come close,” Jensen said with a smirk.

Jared nodded. “He’s right. I’m thinking of stealing you away and taking you back with us. Dude, your mom made pancakes this morning.”

“You fed him pancakes?” Jensen looked at his mom with mock horror.

“And I’d do it again in a heartbeat. Can’t deny a growing boy food.” She patted Jared’s cheek affectionately as Jared gave him a shit eating grin. “At least someone in this house still appreciates a good breakfast.”

“I love your cooking, Mom.”

“You have coffee for breakfast,” she said with disapproval.

“Mom.”

She held up her hands and looked somewhat contrite. “I’m sorry. You’re right – you’re old enough to decide when and what you want to eat.”

“Except for tonight,” Jared said as he flashed his killer smile.

“What’s tonight?”

“Everyone’s coming over,” his mom said and busied herself with moving the cookie trays around and checking the oven.

“And by everyone you mean?” This is so not what Jensen wanted. He didn’t want his family to gang up on Jared. This trip hadn’t been planned, no preparation had been done.

“Mackenzie and Josh, of course.”

“Mom.”

“Just a little family get-together.”

“Mom,” Jensen said with a little more force than he’d intended. There was a stilted silence and he saw the look that his mom and Jared exchanged.

“I’m stoked to meet everyone,” Jared said casually as he dropped his hand lightly onto the back of Jensen’s neck, his fingers moved slowly, and it felt good, but the tension wouldn’t leave Jensen’s shoulders, and after a moment Jared’s hand fell away. “Plus your dad says he’s gonna barbeque some ribs. They keep feeding me this way and I’m never gonna leave.”

Jensen looked between his mom and Jared, both busy with their own tasks, but both snuck a quick peek at him a time or two. It started to feel all too surreal. His parents had been polite to Rick, treated him with reserved kindness, but with Jared, she was acting as if he was already a part of the family.

“I’m going up to take a shower.”

He left the awkwardness behind him and walked up the stairs feeling the guilt, anger and sadness settle once again onto his shoulders. He had wanted to shake it off, he really did. He just couldn’t.

When he’d run the hot water out, he lingered as long as he could, brushed his teeth and dressed. He really needed to shave, but he’d forgotten to bring his razor in with him and reluctantly went back to his bedroom, unsure what he was supposed to do next. He found Jared sitting on the bed, his head bowed. “I’ll go if you want me to, and I’m not just saying that.”

“No,” Jensen said quietly. Part of him had wanted to tell Jared to leave, but he didn’t want to hurt him, didn’t want to make Jared angry and possibly just give up on him. “You can stay if you want, but you’ll have to move to Josh’s old room. My parents were probably willing to let us sleep in the same room last night, but not a second one.”

Jared’s head came up, his eyes unsure. “You’re positive you want me to stay?”

“I’ve been needing the routine of life, of doing things the way I always do. But I wasn’t ready for that downstairs. You and my mom –”

“You don’t have to explain, I get it.”

“No, I don’t think you do.” Jensen wanted to walk over to Jared, to touch him and be comforted by him, to offer comfort. Instead he was rooted to the floor. “When I was younger and Josh brought girlfriends home, my parents doted on them. Set them up with the whole family experience. They were welcomed to dinners and holidays – everything. Then it was Mac’s turn. She had boyfriends and they got the same treatment, although they were scrutinized a hell of a lot more with a protective dad and two older brothers. It’s just something I’ve always wanted, Jared. To bring someone home for my family to flip over, to make them feel part of the family, and it’s fucking with my head that it happened because of Drew’s death.”

“It didn’t happen _because_ of that,” Jared countered, snagged Jensen’s wrist, pulled him in close and wound his arms around his waist, looking up at him. “Maybe your parents are a little less worried about saying or doing the wrong thing and just worried about you period. You know me, Jen, I’m okay around people. I’m not a shy person. It was easy to fit in here because we all have one thing in common. You.”

“Hmm,” he hummed thoughtfully, but still wasn’t too sure of the truth of it. It felt good to be here, with Jared, and that was as far as he could think at the moment. 

“You never brought any girls home?” Jared asked. “I mean, I know you came out to your family recently, but through high school?”

Jensen smiled a little as memories of that time flitted through his mind. “Yeah. I already knew by then I was gay, though.” He pulled out of Jared’s arms, closed the door before he sat down beside him on the bed, their bodies touching from shoulder to knee. “I never stayed with one girl long enough to bring her home. I used them as a cover at school, which was bad enough, I didn’t want to do that with my family. It’s not anything I’m proud of.”

“I had a girlfriend, the same one, almost all the way through high school,” Jared said quietly. “I couldn’t ignore the fact I was gay after she and I were already too serious, back in sophomore year, but I was scared shitless. I finally ended it with her half-way through senior year, came out to my parents a few days after that. Not the most fun time in my life.”

“I admire you for doing that.”

“What, fucking around with some girl when all I could fantasize about was how it would feel with a guy?”

“No, dumbass,” Jensen said with a roll of his eyes and a bump of his shoulder to Jared’s. “For coming out while you were still in high school.”

“Only to my parents. God, I didn’t tell anyone else, not even Jeff, my brother, and my parents didn’t want me to tell my sister until after I graduated. Since I didn’t want anyone at school to know, they were afraid she might slip and tell someone.”

“And your parents, you said they took it okay?”

“For the most part. I think they were pretty freaked at first and tried to hide it from me. I heard them talking a lot in their room for a few days after. Thankfully, Jeff was at college or he would’ve figured out something was wrong and confronted me. Meggie, well, she was always in her room anyway, talking on the phone or had her music turned up loud. I think she felt something was up, but she didn’t know what and must not have wanted to press it just in case she was the one in trouble.”

“I’d like to meet your parents sometime,” Jensen said quietly.

Jared gave him a brilliant smile. “I can’t wait for you to meet them.”

Jensen looked away, he couldn’t help it. It felt good talking to Jared, especially about things they hadn’t spoken of before. Even though he didn’t really like bringing up his past mistakes, it was better than dealing with some of his current ones.

“So, what about you? Did you sleep with any of those girls you dated?” Jared asked casually and Jensen was thankful that the man seemed so attuned to his moods. 

“Two of them,” Jensen admitted. “The first one maybe I could say that I was trying to make sure that what I was feeling was real, that I preferred guys. But the second one, man, that was just not right.”

“Why? Did you treat her awful or something?”

“I caved under pressure.” He shook his head as if that would clear the painful memories. “It was at a party and everyone was pairing up, I hadn’t dated anyone in a while and I’d been getting a little flack for it. I knew this girl liked me, she’d been flirting with me for weeks. I took advantage of her to get people off my back.”

“I did the same thing, but hell, I did it for almost three fucking years. I lead her on, had sex with her, even talked to her about marriage. Teenagers are under a lot of pressure, especially if you don’t think you fit into that picture perfect ideal everyone has for you.”

“It was bad, Jared.”

“What? What could’ve been so bad?”

Jensen swallowed. “I didn’t have a condom.”

“Oh shit. She got pregnant?” Jared asked, his eyes wide.

“No, but she claimed she had. It was a big fucking mess. I told my parents, and shit, I was ready to marry her, do the right thing. Josh was pissed at me, kept telling me she should have an abortion or put it up for adoption because we were too young to try to be parents, let alone husband and wife.”

“Jesus,” Jared said under his breath as he wrapped his arm around Jensen’s shoulder.

“Anyway, my folks set up something with her parents so we could hash it all out. I don’t think my mom and dad would’ve forced me to marry her or anything, but I wanted to do right by Kristie and the baby. It didn’t matter anyway because she went to the doctor and the pregnancy test came back negative. She said she’d taken one of those home tests and the doctor confirmed that it was possible that it could result in a false positive. 

“The only good to come out of it was that I was grounded for the rest of my senior year. I was allowed to go out of the house for school and church and that was about it. Everyone left me alone about having a girlfriend since it had spread around school what had happened. God, it was embarrassing, but after a couple of weeks, everything settled down and then I didn’t mind so much. I knew I was going to go to college, was pretty sure I wanted to be a physical therapist. I needed to concentrate on my grades, getting into a good college.”

“Man, you must have been shitting bricks.”

“You’re not kidding,” Jensen agreed with a mirthless laugh. “I mean, my whole life could’ve been screwed to hell, shit, Kristie’s, too, just because we weren’t thinking.”

“Yeah, but you were just a kid. Dodged a bullet, though.”

“I guess. After that fiasco, I couldn’t even imagine coming out to my folks. So, I decided to wait until I was done with college.”

“You never did anything with guys while you were in high school?”

“Some. Hand jobs mostly, a few blowjobs. It wasn’t until I was in college, away from here, that I started doing more stuff. How about you?”

“Pretty much the same as you.”

“Pretty much?”

“There was this guy, an older guy.”

Jensen’s spine stiffened. “Older? How much older?”

Jared chuckled. “Dude, relax. I was sixteen, he was only a couple of years older. Anyway, I thought I was in love with him, but really, it was just a full-blown crush. Hell, it only lasted for like three weeks. He was my first at everything, well, I mean, as far as anything gay. It was summer and when he was ready to leave for college, I got the speech about long distance relationships and he didn’t think he could be faithful and whatever other bullshit he could come up with. I moped around and, God, I realized I didn’t even have a right to because I’d been cheating on Alicia the whole time.”

“So, that’s what drove you to breakup with her.”

“No, man, I waited a whole fucking year to do that. I felt like a complete shithead, treating her like that, but I was clueless as to what to do.”

“God, the stupid mistakes we make, huh?”

“Yeah,” Jared agreed softly.

They sat in silence for a while until Jensen smacked his hand down Jared’s knee. “Let’s get the fuck out of here for a while. Let me show you around town a little?”

“Hell yeah,” Jared said with a smile.

~o0o~ 

Since it was already late afternoon by the time they left the house, Jensen was only able to give Jared a brief tour of the city. He showed him the high school he attended, the church he grew up in and the park his mom used to take him and his siblings to when they were young kids. Jared seemed to enjoy the small excursion and they didn’t get into any more serious discussions, but still Jensen felt an underlying tension. He was worried about how the evening was going to go. He wanted his family to like Jared and even though what Jared had said earlier made sense, Jensen was having a hard time believing Drew’s death wasn’t a catalyst to it all.

However, as dinner progressed, Jensen’s worries lessened. Jared was a charming individual, and Jensen’s family seemed to be at ease with him. It should’ve made Jensen happy, relieved at least, but still, he couldn’t shake the burden he still felt.

Jared was in the middle of telling a story about Chad, the whole table laughing, and really, Jared looked so – amazing. His eyes were lit up, his arms flung wide, as he gestured with those gorgeous, big hands. When he happened to catch Jensen’s eye, his voice stuttered, a flash of concern shown in the way he tilted his head at Jensen. Jensen gave him a small smile and it must have conveyed that he was okay because Jared continued on with his story.

“Well, if we’re talking about embarrassing stories, I’ve more than a few,” Josh said with an evil grin.

“No, we are most definitely _not_ talking about any stories of me,” Jensen declared even as Jared looked like that sounded like the best idea ever.

“Oh, you mean like the first time you ever ate spaghetti and you somehow managed to smear most of the sauce over your face and had pasta dangling from your forehead?” Josh asked innocently.

“Oh my gosh!” Mackenzie said excitedly as Jared started to laugh. “There’s a picture of that somewhere.”

“Mac,” Jensen said, his voice overly sweet.

She fluttered her eyelashes at him. “Yes, brother dear?”

“You move that little patootie of yours out of that chair, you won’t be able to sit for a week.”

Mackenzie stuck her tongue out at him and glared. “I can always scan and email it to Jared.”

Jared’s eyes lit up. “My address is –”

“No freakin’ way,” Jensen interrupted.

“Just try and stop me,” Mackenzie challenged.

“This is no way to act around the dinner table,” their mother admonished lightly. “Especially when we have a guest.”

Their dad cleared his throat, gave his kids the ‘you heard your mother’ glare, and asked, “What did you say you were studying, Jared? Engineering?”

“Oh yes, sir,” Jared said as he sat up a little straighter, his voice serious, but a small smile played about the corners of his mouth.

While Jared briefly explained about the combined BS/MS program in chemical engineering he’d been accepted into, Jensen’s mom brought out chocolate peanut butter pie for dessert. Jared stopped long enough to declare it was his absolute favorite – and Jensen was sure any confection in Jared’s vicinity was his favorite – before continuing on about school. Jensen only interrupted once to make sure his family knew what an achievement it was to be in the program and how hard Jared had worked his ass off to get and stay there.

When the last bite of pie had been eaten, Jared popped up from his chair and said, “You guys cooked, I’ll clean.” 

“Oh, Jared, you don’t have to do that,” Jensen’s mom said with a smile. “Please, you’re our guest.” 

“My momma raised me right,” Jared said with a grin, as he started to collect the plates. “It’s only a little something I can do to repay the hospitality y’all have shown me.” 

Jensen cleared his throat and stood. “I’ll help.” 

“Never thought I’d see that,” Mackenzie said with a tone of wonderment. “My big brother doing the dishes.” 

“I do them all the time at my house,” Jensen answered, flicked his finger against her ear before he leaned over to gather up her dish and utensils. 

“You mean you don’t just use paper plates?” Josh asked. “That’s the easiest way to do _housework_.” 

“It’s not a dirty word, you know,” their mom admonished them. “If everyone pitches in, it takes no time at all.” 

“Well, you don’t have to tonight,” Jensen said quietly as he finished clearing the table. “Jared and I will handle it.” 

Jared was already at the sink, rinsing out the cups when Jensen put the dishes on the counter beside him. “I’ll load the dishwasher if you keep up with that.” 

“Sure,” Jared said easily. 

They worked together in silence for a few minutes until Jensen felt Jared’s hip knock into his. Jensen slid him a look and couldn’t help returning the grin he saw on Jared’s mouth. 

“Thanks,” Jensen said softly. 

“Dude, stop it. I like your family. Especially since they feed me totally kick ass food.” 

“Guess it would be kind of hard to get rid of you in the face of pancakes and barbeque.” 

“Mmm, pancakes,” Jared said with a smile and his eyes closed, as if he was dreaming of them right now. “You think your mom will make some more in the morning?” 

“For you, yes, absolutely. You totally won her over with that southern boy charm of yours. She’ll probably load you up with leftovers before you leave.” 

“Oh well, then those are going straight to your house ’cause if I take ’em to mine, I won’t get a chance to eat any of it. Home cooking doesn’t last long around there.” 

“You won’t share?” 

“The only one I want to share anything with is you.” It was said casually, but Jensen didn’t miss the heat in Jared’s eyes. It had been a while since they were sexually intimate with each other, and Jensen felt a flame of desire ignite low in his belly. Unfortunately, they couldn’t do anything here. Not in his parents’ house. 

“Jared,” he warned quietly. 

Jared closed his eyes and nodded, focused his attention back on his task. “So how long am I allowed to stay?” 

“Did you go to class yesterday?”

“No. If I had, I wouldn’t be able to tell you what happened in any of them. My mind was going in all different directions and none of them good. I know you don’t like me missing classes, but I just couldn’t, man.”

Jensen sighed, not surprised that Jared had read his mind once again. He hated that Jared hadn’t gone to classes because of him. “I’ve got another week of leave lined up, but I’m not sure I’m going to stay here.”

“Where will you be?” Jared asked and it sounded as if he was afraid to hear the answer.

“Home. I – this isn’t helping, being here. Not like I wanted it to. Just ran away, and I know that never solves anything. You can’t outrun your problems.”

“They do have a tendency to catch up with you,” Jared said with quiet sympathy.

“The rest of my time off will probably be better served to work on some of that.”

“I think that’s a good idea,” Jared said softly.

“So, you want to stay here until tomorrow night? Go home then? I’ll be back there by Tuesday.”

“Yeah,” Jared said, his smile back. “I can handle that.” With his eyes still on the dishes in the sink, Jared reached over and flicked his fingers at Jensen, sent water droplets flying into Jensen’s face. 

“Oh, don’t even start,” Jensen said and reached over to cup his hand under the faucet. 

Jared backed away from the sink. “Dude, no way!” 

Jensen smirked at him as he flung the water toward Jared, which hit his chin, neck and upper chest. Jared looked down at his wet t-shirt as water dripped off his face before he swiped his hand over it and stomped over to the sink and pulled out the side spray. 

“You wouldn’t dare,” Jensen said as his eyes narrowed. 

Jared lifted his eyebrows in challenge, held the sprayer, his finger on the trigger. 

Jensen had no doubt he’d do it, so he did what anyone would. He bolted. “You can deal with my mom when she finds out her floor is all wet!” he shouted, running through the dining room and into the hallway, before bursting out the front door.

He dodged the parked vehicles out front and ran behind the garage. The moon was out, afforded him no cover whatsoever, but that wasn’t what Jensen really wanted. He heard Jared’s whooping laughter, his heavy footsteps pounding down the porch stairs, and the crunch of the gravel driveway as Jared chased after him. Jensen ducked around the corner of the storage shed and waited. As soon as Jared rounded the shed, Jensen tackled him. It wasn’t a well thought out plan as they fell to the ground, heavily, and he got an elbow to his ribs and there was a sharp pain to his hip as hit the ground. But it also felt so goddamn good to let everything go and be only in the moment, right here, with Jared on top of him, a tangle of legs and arms.

Jared obviously wasn’t willing to waste any of it either as his lips found Jensen’s. Their kisses were hard, wet and sloppy, and Jensen couldn’t keep his hips from arching up, grinding into Jared.

“Let me,” Jared moaned into his ear. “Please, let me.”

“Yes,” Jensen breathed out. Whatever Jared was asking for, the answer was most definitely yes.

Jared was up on his knees in an instant, scrabbled with Jensen’s belt for a few seconds until Jensen pushed his hands away, desperate to feel Jared against him, for Jared to do whatever it was he wanted. Jensen had barely gotten the zipper all the way down when he felt Jared’s fingers at his waist as he yanked Jensen’s jeans and boxers down. He lifted his hips, tried to help, but Jared stopped tugging, and Jensen’s pants only got as far as his knees before Jared’s tongue was on Jensen’s cock, followed a second later by his mouth as Jared swallowed him to the root.

“Fuck,” Jensen moaned as he threw his head back, arched his back.

Jared hummed against his skin and the vibrations went through Jensen like a bolt of electricity. His hands came up, one to Jared’s shoulder, the other palming the back of Jared’s head, fingers curling into his hair. He wanted to last, wanted to feel Jared’s mouth and lips, his teeth lightly scraping, forever. But then he heard it. Felt it, too. Jared’s mouth was still on him, sucking him so damn good, but Jared was also jerking himself off, his belt jangling with the movement.

“Jesus, do it, Jared. Fucking come all over me.”

Jared groaned deep and long and all of it was just too much and Jensen couldn’t hold back any longer, let go and tried to keep listening to the sounds, feeling the frantic motion of Jared’s hand. “I wish I could see you,” he said, gasping for breath. “Wish I could see you working your own dick over, watch you swallowing me down, both at the same time. Shit! Gonna come.”

Jared sucked him dry, licked him clean, all the while making orgasmic sounds of his own before he finally dropped down beside him, one arm flung across Jensen’s chest.

“I’m sorry,” Jared said breathlessly.

“For what?” Jensen asked with a puff of laughter. “Being so fucking hot, you make me lose my shit in ten seconds flat?”

“No,” Jared said, returning the laugh. “But thanks.”

“No, thank _you_ ,” Jensen said with a satisfied smirk, which earned him a smack to his stomach.

“I meant doing this,” Jared swished his arms around between them like he was directing an orchestra, “here, in your parents’ back yard.”

“Why do you think I came out here?”

Jared’s voice dropped down to a whisper. “To have sex?”

Jensen laughed again. “You are such a cornball. You don’t have to whisper. No one can hear us.”

“Yeah, but –” Jared leaned up on his elbows and looked around.

“I can’t believe this,” Jensen said as he started to laugh even harder. 

“What?” Jared asked with a frown.

“You’re worried about getting caught.” He tried to contain his laughter, he really did, but Jared always seemed so confident and had a devil may care attitude, that it was hilarious to see him all weirded out by the thought of Jensen’s family somehow walking up and finding them.

“Dude, it’s your _parents_.”

“They ain’t gonna come looking for us.”

“But what about when we go back in there? They’ll know we were up to something.”

“Well, probably.” He wasn’t too thrilled with it either, but this was one thing he could let go. He needed this and he was taking it.

“What about your brother and sister?”

“Trust me, Josh won’t care.”

“Mackenzie?”

“Well, she won’t either, really, but she might give us some shit about it later. She’s my sister, for crying out loud, she won’t want details or anything. And, dude, I’m twenty-six. My parents aren’t going to lecture me about having sex with my boyfriend.”

Jensen stood, pulled up his pants, and buckled his belt. The mood had definitely shifted and he wasn’t about to get into any kind of discussions about his parents while lying on the hard ground with his dick hanging in the breeze. Jared started to giggle and Jensen turned and looked. 

“What?” He brushed his hands down his backside thinking there might grass or dirt on his jeans.

“You know,” Jared said, his voice full of mischief and grin so wide his dimples showed. “You have one sweet patootie.”

“Shut up,” he said with a frown and a glare. “You were saving that up, weren’t you?”

“Man, it was all I could do not to spit my Coke out across the table when you said that to your sister. C’mon, you knew I was gonna use it, especially since you were waving that fine patootie of yours around in my face just now. Gotta admit, I wasn’t gonna use it this soon, but how was I supposed to resist?”

“Your fault anyway. You don’t know how to keep your hands to yourself, getting me all nekkid in my parents’ back yard.”

“Hmm, is that a complaint? I’m almost positive you were the one that tackled _me_. And I know it wasn’t me that said ‘yes’ all breathless and excited. And who begged ‘come all over me’? That wasn’t me, was it?”

Jensen sunk down to his knees and straddled Jared. “You go from zero to sixty so fucking fast, you make my head spin, you know that?”

“Feeling’s mutual,” Jared said softly just before Jensen crushed their mouths together.

~o0o~ 

Jared would have laughed if he wasn’t a nervous wreck about going back inside. They were checking each other over by the front porch, making sure that there weren’t too many obvious signs as to what they’d been up to. They probably looked hilarious.

“You’ve got grass stains on your jeans,” Jensen said softly.

“What the fuck? Oh man!” Jared looked down, tried to furiously wipe away the evidence, which was, of course, futile.

“Relax.”

“I can’t relax. I’m supposed to go in there and sit in your _parents_ ’ living room with fucking grass stains on my knees and talk about who the fuck knows what, and the whole time they’ll see the evidence of exactly what _I_ was doing. They’re gonna hate me.”

“First of all, we were out here together, so whatever it is they think you were doing, they’ll know I was there right with you. Which they won’t blame anyone for anything! And secondly, they won’t hate you. Shit, Jared, they already love you.”

“And my hair, it’s probably all fucked up too, right?” He smoothed his hand over his head. “Jesus, I knew I should cut it all off.”

“No! I like your hair. You like your hair. Leave it alone.” Jensen turned around. “Do I have anything on me?”

“Mom and dad already went to bed,” Josh said from the darkened corner of the porch.

Jensen startled at his brother’s voice. Jared just wanted the ground to swallow him up. 

“Jesus Christ, Josh!” Jensen complained. “You scared the crap out of us.”

“Well, I could have let you two go on –”

“And you should have,” Mackenzie said, sounding disgruntled.

“Great,” Jensen said with a sigh. “You’re out here, too?”

“Yeah. I’m just gonna leave,” Jared said miserably, turning toward his truck. He was pretty sure no one had actually ever died from embarrassment, but he felt like he was damn close.

“No!” Mackenzie said as she flew off the porch. “I won’t say anything else, I swear.”

“I’m taking the brat back to her dorm,” Josh said as he walked down the porch stairs. “You can stay, Jared.”

“And you are. Staying. Right? Don’t let him leave, Jensen.” She sounded almost desperate.

“Leave him alone and maybe he will,” Jensen said, bumping his shoulder against Jared.

“I don’t know, man,” Jared said woefully. “I don’t think I can ever face your parents again. Not knowing your sister will tease you about it.”

“I won’t, Jared. I promise. C’mon, stay. Please.”

“Maybe if you made him some cookies,” Jensen suggested. “The way to Jared’s heart is definitely through his stomach.”

Jared brightened. “Yeah. Chocolate chip are my favorite. I like ’em crisp.”

Mackenzie crossed her arms over her chest. “Boys are all idiots!”

“Suck it up,” Josh said with a laugh. “You’re outnumbered.”

“Are you guys really leaving?” Jensen asked.

“Yeah, mom and dad thought you and Jared might like to spend tomorrow together without Miss Texas Twister being all in your business,” Josh said.

“Hey!” Mackenzie protested.

“Jen, you know –” Josh stopped and dug his hands into his pockets. It was a gesture that he and Jensen shared and it kind of tugged on Jared’s heart a little. He knew that from things Jensen had previously mentioned, he and Josh used to be close, but maybe they weren’t any more. Maybe they’d like to change that.

“So, Shortsutff,” Jared said, turning to Mackenzie, “you bring any laundry home or your mom load you up with food to take back to your dorm? I always take advantage of that when I go home to my momma.”

“Of course,” Makenzie said with a roll of her eyes. “C’mon Ginormo, you can help me haul it all out to Josh’s car.”

“Haul it?” he said skeptically. “How much is there, exactly?”

“Aww, afraid you’re gonna buckle under the weight of a few loads of laundry and a couple of bags of groceries?” she taunted as she grabbed his hand and towed him up into the house.

She ushered him into the laundry room where he helped her pull out the last load of her clothes from the dryer – thankfully there were just jeans, shirts and socks – and folded them neatly and packed them into a large duffle.

“How is he?” she asked softly.

He took a few breaths before he answered. “Last week was horrible. This week fucking sucked for me – I don’t know how it was for him. He’s not saying, but it was more than likely the same. Last night was kinda harsh, but today hasn’t been too awful.”

“He’s only ever brought one guy here.”

“Mackenzie, don’t. He wouldn’t like us talking about that,” he said quietly. 

“What? I can’t talk about my own brother? Or is it that you don’t know about, Rick?”

“I know about him. But your brother’s a very private man. You know this, c’mon, don’t make me say these things.”

She regarded him for several moments through narrowed eyes. “Jensen was right when he said we already love you.” She took a deep breath and re-folded the same pair of jeans three times before she finally put them into the duffle. “When he left for college, I cried for two days. His senior year in high school – he started changing and I was afraid he wasn’t ever going to come back home. He gave me a cell phone for Christmas his freshman year at college and I was allowed to call him whenever I wanted. Mom and Dad weren’t too thrilled with the gift, but I was so excited that he knew what I needed from him. He’s like that, always doing stuff for his family, his friends. It’s just nice to see someone doing it for him. You came down here, you let me and Josh come to meet you, hell you even made cookies with my mom so Jensen could sleep in.”

“I don’t know any other way to be and it wasn’t like a hardship or anything,” Jared said with a self-conscious shrug. He needed to lighten the mood, didn’t like being thanked for loving Jensen, for treating him like Jared cared about him, because in his book, that was just a given. “Jeez, you Ackles are a sentimental lot, aren’t you? Bunch of saps.”

“Better be nice to me or I won’t email you those embarrassing picture of Jensen as a baby.”

“Saps,” Jared reiterated, drawing the word out.

“You telling me that you don’t want those pictures?”

“No, he’s telling you he knows I’m standing right behind him,” Jensen said.

“What, you got ESP now, too?” she asked with a huff.

“Yes,” Jared said as he looked over his shoulder at Jensen, gave him a wink. “I can feel his vibrations.”

Mackenzie made a gagging sound. “Help me out to the car with this stuff before I barf all over your shoes.”

“Gross,” Jared said, making a face. “Your family over-shares, dude.”

Jensen snorted. “Yep, better get used to it. Now, you should haul ass, munchkin, or Josh will be leaving you behind.”

“Oh, what a hardship,” she said sarcastically. “Then my other brother and his scorching hot boyfriend will have to take me. How would I ever survive?”

“Yeah, but then you’d have Mom and Dad to deal with on why we took you instead of Josh.”

“Crap,” she said with a sigh. “All right, grab my shit for me.”

It took another fifteen minutes to get everything squared away and for Mackenzie to run up to her parents’ room to tell them goodbye. She gave hugs to both Jensen and Jared before getting in the car and Josh was giving Jared a handshake and a ‘good to have met you’ when she shouted out the car door for Josh, ‘to hurry his slow ass up.’

It was a nice night out, neither too warm or cold, so Jared followed Jensen to that dark corner of the porch that Josh and Mackenzie had been hiding out in to find a wooden swing. They sat, in companionable silence for a long time, as Jensen used his foot to keep the momentum slow and easy. It was a nice way to end their day, pressed together, holding hands.


	10. Chapter 10

Jared hadn’t even opened his eyes yet, was just in the process of waking up, but could feel Jensen beside him. He grinned and wrapped himself around his man. 

“Mornin’,” he said against Jensen’s neck, breathing in the smell of soap and shaving cream. “You showered already.”

“Well, after rolling around on the ground all night with you, thought it might be a good idea.”

“It wasn’t all night,” Jared scoffed. “And we weren’t really rolling. You were just lying there.”

“True. I put your jeans in the wash, treated them with some stain remover, so that should help.”

“Stain remover?” Jared asked as he finally blinked open his eyes.

“Yeah, for the grass stains on your jeans,” Jensen said with amusement. “The ones you were having girly fits over last night. Ringing any bells?”

“Oh my God! We’re in your parents’ house.” Jared shifted frantically away from Jensen, his eyes wide, but in his haste he didn’t realize how close to the edge of the bed he actually was, and landed onto the floor with a loud thump.

Jensen looked down at him with a leer. “My parents aren’t here. They left for church, so now we can fuck for as long and as loud as we want.”

“Jesus! Jensen!” He didn’t begrudge Jensen the amused look he gave him. Jared knew he sounded like a young, shy virgin. Dammit!

“Okay, not for _as long_ , but still –”

“When did they leave?”

“A couple of minutes ago,” Jensen said, holding his hand out to Jared to help him up.

Jared looked at the offered hand suspiciously. “What if they come back? Like if your mom forgot her hat and gloves or something?”

Jensen rolled onto his back, caught in a fit of laughter. Jared got up from the floor, his cheeks heating with embarrassment. 

“Dude, it’s not the fifties! I don’t – my mom doesn’t even wear a dress to church anymore.”

“Well, I didn’t know,” Jared grumbled as he flopped back down on the bed.

Jensen’s laughter finally died away, but he was still grinning as he asked, “Didn’t you tell me once you went to church as a kid?”

“We did for a while, but then we just became C and E people.”

“C and E?”

“Yeah, you know, only went on Christmas and Easter. So we always had to dress up, guys in suits, girls in dresses.” Jared was actually glad they were having this conversation because although they previously had touched on the subject of God – they both believed – the tour Jensen took him on yesterday had intrigued Jared. “Why did you show me the church you grew up in?”

Jensen looked thoughtful for a moment. “I dunno. That was kind of weird wasn’t it?”

Jared turned on his side, propped his elbow up, and rested his chin on his hand. “No. Do you miss going to church?”

“Yeah,” Jensen answered softly. “But I can’t go there anymore. Not ’cause they threw me out or anything. I just don’t believe the same things that they’re preaching. Homosexuality, abortion, women ministers – their stance on that kind of stuff is just too archaic.”

“Do you mind that your parents still go there?”

“It bothered me for a while, but I realized that I can’t choose the way my parents believe. It’s theirs, and sometimes it’s hard to let go of things that you’ve believed in since you were a kid. It was difficult for them when I first came out. They love me, I never doubted that for a second, but I worried that they thought being gay was something I chose. It took a while for them to accept it. My mom joined a support group right away, finally talked dad into going, and I give them a lot of credit for that. They didn’t shut down and tell me I was going to hell, they found a way to deal with it. So, I think with the church, they were able to compromise what they believe now and still go there. Maybe if I had come out as a teenager, things would have been different, they would have found a different church, but now, since I’m not living at home, they’re comfortable where they are. I can’t blame them for that.”

“And they’re okay with you not going to church? I mean, there are churches out there that accept homosexuality.”

“My dad’s more upset about it than my mom. It was something I let go of and then it became easier to just forget about. But sometimes – I know this is going to sound stupid, but when I was young, I always imagined how it would be to go to church with a family of my own. A wife and kids. The wife, of course, isn’t going to happen, but when I go to church by myself, I dunno, I feel lonely.”

Jared wanted to blurt out that he would go to church with Jensen, but he knew that was only a knee-jerk reaction to how adorable Jensen looked – a little bit bashful and kind of lost – and Jared didn’t want to offer something he would later not really want to do. His family had never been into attending church. His parents had instilled in him values and morals and he’d just never felt the need to be preached at by someone who didn’t know him personally. His mom and dad were doing a damn fine job of it themselves. 

“No, that makes sense,” Jared said quietly.

Jensen took a deep breath and shook his head slightly. “Why don’t you go grab a shower and I’ll go put some coffee on for us. Mom said she’d make you pancakes when they get home.”

“Sorry for being a buzz kill.” And he really was because before they started talking about church, Jensen looked like he was happy – well, and turned on – and now he just looked reflective and kind of depressed.

“Nah, you were right. Not really the place for that kind of stuff.” Jensen pressed a soft kiss onto Jared’s lips before he got off the bed. “Take your time, come downstairs whenever you want.”

Jared rolled onto his back and flung his arm over his eyes. He was so stupid. If Jensen had wanted the release, had needed it, why couldn’t Jared have just given it to him. Why’d he have to act like a scared virgin about it? Well, there was no way in hell he was leaving Jensen to his own thoughts for very long. He jumped off the bed, hurried through a shower, threw on some clothes and pounded down the stairs. His hair was still too wet and he was in the process of tucking his shirt into his jeans when he slid to a halt in front of the breakfast bar.

Jensen smirked at him. “What? You think I was going to eat everything in the house before you got down here?”

“Shut up,” Jared said petulantly. He knew he probably looked ridiculous, but it seemed like that was going to be a permanent thing when it came to being with Jensen, so Jared should just get used to being an idiot around him. Jared was looking down, buckling his belt, when he found himself being slammed into the wall.

“This is your fault,” Jensen growled before his mouth crashed into Jared’s. Jensen straddled Jared’s leg, rutted himself against it and Jared wasn’t going to even try to deny that it felt good.

Jensen pulled back some, only enough to get his hands between them and started unbuckling Jared’s belt. It might have been his imagination, but Jensen seemed to humping his leg even faster.

Jared pulled away from the kiss. “Dude, wait. Slow down.” 

Jensen had finally got the belt free, pulled it about halfway out of Jared’s jeans so that it dangled and swayed with the force of his thrusts, occasionally hitting the wall. Jensen’s head fell back, his eyes closed, lips parted. Damn, he looked like sin personified. 

“What? You got a hard-on for my belt?”

“Yes,” Jensen answered on a moan. “Just can’t get it out my head. You jerking yourself off last night while you blew me. The sound it made as you worked yourself over. Fuck!”

“My belt?” Jared asked again. But then he heard the jangling sound it made and the growly noises from Jensen, and – oh my God, yes! He had been so fucking hard for Jensen last night that when he’d finally gotten to touch him and kiss him, he couldn’t wait to come. Having Jensen’s cock in his mouth had felt and tasted so good, he couldn’t help himself.

“Yeah, okay,” Jared breathed against Jensen’s neck. “Let me touch you.”

“Then stop moving.”

“I’m not the one moving,” Jared said with a small laugh. “You stop.”

“Can’t.”

“Fuck it,” Jared mumbled as he fumbled with Jensen’s belt and fly. It took a while and he thought Jensen would come before he even managed to get anywhere, but finally he was able to dip his hand under the waistband of Jensen’s boxers and even just the brush of his fingers against the coarse hair was even to make both of them gasp.

It wasn’t enough though, Jared wanted more. He pulled his hand free, grabbed hold of Jensen’s biceps and reversed their positions. Jensen looked dazed with lust and that was almost enough for Jared to lose it, so he looked down, got his jeans undone but didn’t lower them down, just pulled his cock and balls over his underwear, did the same for Jensen, lined them up as best he could and then thrust against Jensen. 

“Oh, Jesus,” Jensen groaned, his eyes rolling up. 

It was hard and fast and Jared tried to keep as quiet as he could so Jensen could still hear the jingle jangle of the belt. They weren’t even kissing anymore, just had their faces pressed together, and Jared could feel Jensen’s breath against his cheek.

“Oh shit, I’m gonna fuckin’ lose it,” Jensen huffed out.

“Let it go, Jen. Christ, just let go.”

Jensen arched up against him as much as possible, Jared had him pinned to the wall pretty good, but when Jensen curled his fingers into Jared’s hair and pulled, he couldn’t hold back either. When he was spent, he buried his head in Jensen’s neck and tried to catch his breath. It was several minutes before he could pull himself together, but he didn’t move away, it felt too damn good.

“I gave you a new kink,” Jared laughed evilly.

“Yeah, well, don’t think I don’t know about yours for my leather bracelet,” Jensen said, and Jared could hear the smirk in his voice and he was glad Jensen couldn’t see his burning face. “C’mon, you really didn’t think I knew?”

“Guess not.” He had been pretty obvious about it. “I fucking came right out and told you to wear it all the time.”

Jensen chuckled. “I’m gonna need another shower, man.”

“We could take one together.”

“We can do that,” Jensen agreed softly.

In the shower, Jensen slowed things down, which was good because neither one of them needed to slip and fall and be knocked unconscious. Then Jensen parents would find them, naked in the shower. And yeah, Jared needed to stop thinking of those things.

Jensen adjusted the shower head, standing under it so they both were able to get wet before pouring a generous amount of liquid soap into his hand.

“Dude,” Jensen said, smiling against Jared’s neck. “Relax.”

“You trying to make up for lost time, screwing all over the house like a teenager?” Jared asked as Jensen’s hands spanned his back. The water and soap made Jensen’s hands glide easily over Jared.

“I can’t deny it adds a little excitement,” Jensen said, looking at him with the eyes of a predator. “Don’t worry, Jared. We have the house to ourselves for a long time. Trust me.”

“Jesus,” Jared swore as Jensen licked his nipple, then used his teeth to gently bite it. Jared looked down, Jensen’s hair plastered to his head, the water cascading over his body, he looked so goddamn sexy. He couldn’t stop himself from touching if he wanted to. And he sure as hell wasn’t going to deny himself that pleasure.

The water wasn’t too hot, which was good because Jared felt like he was burning from the inside out. When he slid his arms around Jensen’s waist, pulled them as close as he could, he felt the warmth of Jensen’s skin. He cupped Jensen’s ass, thankful once again for his big hands, and was rewarded with a long moan from Jensen.

“You like my hands on you?” Jared asked softly.

“Oh God, yes,” Jensen said, never moving his mouth from Jared’s chest and the feel of Jensen’s lips moving with his words was more than he could stand.

“Kiss me,” Jared begged, and no, he wasn’t above that.

Jensen didn’t hesitate, lifted his face, the water making his lips shiny and inviting and there was a bit of a struggle as Jensen maneuvered his arms out from under Jared’s. And then his fingers were in Jared’s hair, tugging his head down and as far as kisses go, it started out pretty tame. Just lips, until Jensen used his teeth again, capturing Jared’s lower lip between them, but this time not as gently as he’d taken Jared’s nipple. Then he let it go, rubbed his tongue over it as if to soothe away any hurt before sliding into Jared’s mouth.

It could have been hours that they stood there kissing under the constant jet of water flowing over them. Jared didn’t know because he felt disoriented, but also exactly where he should be. Jensen’s hands were slip sliding all over Jared’s body, a slow sensual tease, Jared able to do the same. They were both hard, but for the merest brushes of contact, they concentrated on every other part of their bodies. This wasn’t going to be a quick fuck, no hurried hand job, or a way to relieve some tension. This was just about the two of them.

Kissing and touching wasn’t anything new to them, the first several weeks of their relationship had been nothing but that, and at times Jared had been left more than a little frustrated. Not this time. Jared now understood more about himself sexually than he ever had before. Jensen topped most of the time, it was just the way that they both preferred it. Although that didn’t mean Jared wasn’t aggressive. He knew that Jensen liked it just as much as he did when Jared took charge, even if it was Jensen’s cock in his ass. He also knew Jensen liked being the one getting fucked sometimes. But it wasn’t going to be like that today.

Jared leaned his head back to break the kiss. “Please,” he panted. “God, please, Jensen, fuck me.”

Jensen’s mouth chased his, kissed him slow and dirty for a minute before pulling back. “That what you want?” Jensen asked, his voice quiet, and really, when the dictionary defined sin, there should be a picture of Jensen there looking as he did now. His lips were shiny and puffy from kissing. His eyes heavy lidded, blown with lust and pleasure. 

“Yeah,” Jared moaned. “I need you.”

“Let’s get out,” Jensen said, already shutting off the water.

“But –”

“Not a good idea in here,” Jensen said, opening the door and grabbing a towel off the rack and throwing it at Jared. “Just wait right here.” Jensen flung a towel around his waist and disappeared, came back a few minutes later, a condom packet and lube in his hands. 

“Face the mirror, Jay,” Jensen said, his voice rough and strained. “Bend over the counter.”

Jared didn’t even hesitate, just turned around, braced his forearms and on the counter, widened his stance and watched Jensen approach in the mirror. Jared heard the towel hit the floor and a swift curl of yearning shivered through him. Then Jensen’s hands were on his ass, gentle as he smoothed over the skin. Jensen bent over him, pressed a kiss into his back, and Jared arched up into it, grinned at the groan it elicited from Jensen as their bodies pressed closer together.

“Look into the mirror, Jay,” Jensen whispered, and he did without hesitation. He caught Jensen’s eyes immediately, but then took in everything. Jensen covering his body, arms wrapped around Jared’s waist. He watched as Jensen moved away slightly, giving himself some room to use the lube, prep both of them. It was something that he’d watched dozens of times, but that’s when they were facing each other. He’d never been witness to it while Jensen took him from behind.

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Jared moaned. “We need a full length mirror at home.”

Jensen gave him a wicked chuckle and licked his lips. “You like what you see?” Jensen asked, slipping two fingers inside Jared.

“Oh my God, yes!” Although technically he wasn’t seeing anything at the moment, the pleasure Jensen was eliciting with his fingers made Jared’s eyes close in automatic response. He got them open again in time to watch Jensen roll the condom on, slick himself up, although he couldn’t see much more than Jensen arms moving, which turned Jared on even more.

He felt Jensen line his cock up, then his eyes met Jared’s in the mirror, and they held as Jensen made the initial push in. And just like it was slow and easy in the shower, so it went now. Jensen was taking his time and Jared wasn’t complaining about it one bit. In fact, he was pretty loud in his appreciation of his lover’s efforts. Jensen was attentive, sliding in and out of Jared slowly, trying different angles until he hit that most perfect spot.

When they were both spent, when there wasn’t anything left to give, Jensen lay across his back, and Jared relished the feel, the weight of the man who was becoming his whole world.

~o0o~ 

After they were scrubbed clean once again, they sat at the breakfast bar, sharing sections of the newspaper, sipping from mugs filled with steaming coffee. 

“You know,” Jared said casually, not looking up from the sports section. “I never took you for one to make up stories about their parents.”

He heard the paper rustle followed by an incredulous, “What?”

“Those towels in the bathroom may not be as awesome as yours, but I didn’t have any trouble getting dry.”

“That’s because you’re a guest, doofus.”

“Huh.” Jared intended to tease a little more, but Jensen cut him off.

“What? You think my parents don’t know how to treat a guest in their home?”

There was something in Jensen’s voice that made Jared back off. “No. I’ve felt nothing but welcome here.”

Jensen just gave him a small nod and went back to his paper.

“I didn’t mean anything by it, Jensen,” he said softly.

“I know you didn’t.” Jensen finally gave him a smile. “Just a sensitive subject around here.”

“I really do like your parents.”

Jensen reached out and took hold of his hand, giving it a squeeze. “Let it go, Jare. It’s cool.” 

Donna and Alan got home a few moments later, and Donna made them a huge breakfast of pancakes, sausage and home fries. Any remaining tension between Jared and Jensen dissipated as they chatted with Donna and Alan through the meal. It was comfortable and informal, and filled with laughter. As soon as they were done eating, Donna shooed them out the door to go do whatever they wanted.

Jared wasn’t sure what they were going to do, wasn’t sure what he _wanted_. He knew for a fact he didn’t want to leave tonight, but he needed to give Jensen time. He wished Jensen was coming back with him that night, but maybe now that Jensen was coming out of his funk, he’d be able to spend some quality time with his parents.

Jensen had a plan, however, and took them to a ranch for horseback riding. Jared hadn’t rode in years, and it was fun, but it also made Jared a little sad. It was obvious that Jensen loved it in the way that he ran his hand over the horse, fed it some apples, and scratched at its forelock before swinging up into the saddle. But just like his music, it was something that Jensen had put aside when he deemed it was ‘time to grow up’. Jared was starting to hate that phrase and decided that Jensen needed to be shown that growing up didn’t necessarily mean giving up on the things you loved to do.

He put off leaving as long as he could, but when it started getting dark out Jensen pulled him away from the living room where they had been watching TV with Jensen’s parents. 

“Dude, you gotta get on the road. It’ll be midnight before you get home,” Jensen said, worry and regret mixing in his voice.

“I know. It’s been a really nice weekend though.”

“It has.” Jensen turned his head back toward the living room before giving him a soft and lingering kiss. “Thank you, Jared. Shit, that isn’t even enough –”

Jared silenced him with his mouth, kissed him until they were both breathless. “You would’ve done the same.”

“I’m sorry for closing up on you.”

“No,” Jared said softly, brushing his thumb across Jensen’s jaw. “None of that. We’re working from this point forward. Yeah?”

Jensen gave him a nod. “Okay. Call me when you get home?”

Jared smiled. “You know it. I better say goodbye to your folks.”

“Sure.”

They didn’t move, stayed pressed together. For how long, Jared couldn’t say, but it wasn’t near enough time. He had packed his bag earlier and it sat by the front door waiting for him. He felt uneasy leaving Jensen, but he had to admit that Jensen was doing better than he was when Jared first arrived. And now that he had met Jensen’s family, Jared wouldn’t hesitate to call if he thought something was wrong, if for some reason he hadn’t heard from Jensen.

When they walked back into the living room, Donna and Alan stood, and Jared wasn’t exactly sure how to say goodbye to them. Donna took the matter out of his hands by giving him a crushing hug and kiss on the cheek. He went to shake Alan’s hand, which he accepted, but then the older man pulled him into a tight hug. 

“Now, don’t be a stranger, Jared,” Alan said, as he stepped back and put an arm around his wife’s shoulder. “You come back and visit us soon.”

“I will,” Jared promised. “Thank you.”

Jensen picked up his bag as they walked out to his truck, and they were silent until the bag had been tossed in and Jared followed. 

“I’ll see you in a couple of days,” Jensen said, leaning through the open window for a kiss.

“Yeah,” Jared said after their lips met briefly.

“Call me when you get home,” Jensen reminded.

“I will, worrywart.”

Jensen chuckled, pressed another quick kiss to Jared’s lips and then stepped away from the truck.

Jared started the truck, pulled out of the drive and stuck his arm out the window to wave before he sped off down the street. He wasn’t relishing the trip back by himself, but he wouldn’t have traded this weekend for anything in the world. He felt closer to Jensen than anyone else he had in his life. He hoped Jensen felt the same.

By the time he made it home, he was exhausted and the house was quiet, but there was small lamp burning in the living room. He’d called Sandy earlier to let her know what was going on and it was like her to leave the light on for him, let him know she was glad he was home. He snapped off the light with a smile. Once in his room, he threw his duffle in the corner, shucked his jeans and fell into bed, his cell phone cradled in his palm.

Jensen picked up on the first ring. “You made it home okay?” he asked in lieu of ‘hello’.

“No problems, no traffic to speak of,” Jared said promptly followed by a yawn.

“Get some sleep then. Talk to you tomorrow. After class?”

“Absolutely,” Jared said with a huge smile, giddy with relief that Jensen was back to wanting to talk to him when they wouldn’t be seeing each other.

“All right. Night, Jared.”

“G’night,” he said softly before flipping the phone closed and setting it on his nightstand.


	11. Chapter 11

It was another beautiful morning on Monday. Josh had taken the day off work so they could spend it together, and Jensen was actually looking forward to it. It had been a long time since it had just been him and his brother. If it weren’t for Jared being there over the weekend, it probably would have never happened.

Jensen had trouble sleeping again last night and it wasn’t just because Jared wasn’t here. There were too many things on his mind and he couldn’t shut them down to get the rest he knew he needed. When he heard his parents moving about, Jensen got up, dressed, and shuffled down to the kitchen.

“Jen, don’t feel you have to go out and do anything with Josh. You can stay here and rest if you need to,” his father said quietly as he laid a gentle hand on his son’s shoulder.

“Been doing plenty of that this last week,” Jensen said with a shake of his head.

“It takes time,” his mother warned gently. “Don’t over-do, sweetheart.”

“I won’t, Mom,” he promised.

Jensen’s phone went off indicating he had a text message. He grinned when he saw Jared’s name flash on the screen and quickly hit the appropriate button to open the message.

_I need pancakes!_

Jensen laughed out loud and showed his mom the text.

She gave a lopsided, fond smile. “What is with that boy and pancakes?”

“I think he could eat them every day and that still wouldn’t be enough,” Jensen said as he thumbed back a reply.

_Mmm, too bad you’re not here. They taste great._

“Jensen,” his mom admonished, but she blew any credibility she had when she giggled.

_Ur mom made pancakes without me? :(_

Jensen showed her Jared’s text again and she made a sad face, too.

_You just crushed my mom’s Monday._

He and his parents waited a couple of minutes for the reply and Jensen almost jumped when his phone started to ring.

“Jared,” Jensen answered, his tone teasing, “I can’t send pancakes through the phone.”

“Let me talk to your mom,” Jared said.

“What?”

“C’mon, dude, put her on.”

Jensen held out the phone to his mom and gave her a shrug.

She took the phone, her mom voice of worry firmly in place. “Jared, did you eat anything for breakfast yet?... No, he was only teasing, I didn’t make any this morning.” 

Jensen got a ‘you’re in trouble later’ glare from his mom and he looked over at his dad.

His dad didn’t have any sympathy for him, just a smirk. “You dug yourself into that one, son. Tell the boy hello for me, I need to go get ready for work.”

“Alan says hello,” she reported dutifully. “I’m sending some food home with Jensen, make sure he shares… It was a pleasure having you, sweetie… No trouble… Oh, hush now, don’t take on so.”

Jensen didn’t like the sound of that and leaned closer to his mom to try to hear what Jared was saying, but she gave him a frown and walked over to the coffee pot. “Yes, he is quite the handful at times… Oh, how many have you counted so far?... Hmm, I’m not sure, let me check,” she said, glanced at Jensen, then laughed. “He is!”

“All right, that’s enough, give me the phone back,” Jensen demanded.

“Okay, you too, Jared. You’re welcome back any time.” She handed the phone back to Jensen and poured herself a mug of coffee before mumbling something about going to check if the paper had arrived.

“Quit conspiring with my mom,” Jensen said as soon as his mom was out of earshot.

Jared response was, of course, to laugh. “Dude, I love your parents. They are so cool. And ha ha, you got busted by your mom. Lying to me about having pancakes and crushing her Monday. That ain’t right, man.”

“You have a pancake fetish or something?”

“I guess,” Jared said thoughtfully. “I just love ‘em. You can have them with syrup, or put fruit on top of them, or there’s chocolate chips, or, ooh you can make a sandwich out of them, or –”

“Okay, okay, Forest Gump, I don’t need to hear how many ways there are to serve pancakes.”

“Actually that was Bubba talking about the shrimp.”

“Of course you would know that.”

“Why wouldn’t I? It’s a great movie.”

Jensen couldn’t resist, made sure to use extra twang as he said, “Run, Forest, run!” 

Jared’s laughter was contagious. “Dude, we are so watching that movie when you get back.”

“No way!” Jensen complained. “I’ve seen it a million times. Pick something else.”

“Well, if you’ve seen it a million times, then you would’ve known it was Bubba that gave Forrest the rundown on shrimp recipes.”

“Oh man, you’re gonna make me watch it, aren’t you?”

“You bet your ass I am.”

“Hey, no betting my body parts.”

“Well, your ass already is mine, so I guess it’s not really a bet at all is it.”

“Aren’t you the brave one now that you’re not in this house?”

“Yeah, we’ll just wait and see how you react when you meet my parents.”

“We’ll do that soon,” Jensen promised softly and he meant it. He did want to meet Jared’s family, had a desire to know the people that had raised him.

“There’s time,” Jared said, his tone matching Jensen’s. “No hurry.”

“Jare –” His voice broke. He owed Jared so much. How was he ever going to make up for all the shit he’d put him through the last couple of weeks?

After a moment’s silence, Jared asked, “Have you called Chris yet?”

“No. Why? Something going on?”

“Jensen, c’mon, man, he’s worried about you.”

“You’ve talked to him?”

“How do you think I found out how to get to your parents’ house? I’ve talked to him every day since Friday.”

“I called him before I left, asked him to get my mail, explained what I was doing. He knows.”

“All right,” Jared said tiredly, like he didn’t want to argue. “Look, I’m headed into my class. You have a good day with Josh.”

“Thanks. I’ll call you later tonight.”

“That would be good,” Jared said, his voice light, but Jensen could still hear the resignation underneath it. “Later.”

“Bye,” Jensen said before he disconnected the call. 

He walked out to the porch and sat on the swing. There was a slight breeze but it wasn’t chilly as the sun was already heating up the day. He looked down at his phone and lightly dusted his fingers over the buttons. Jared was right, he should call Chris, but Jensen had been putting it off. Chris knew him probably better than anyone, although Jared ran a very close second.

Chris had been his best friend since high school. Even though Chris was three years older than him, it had been their mutual interest in music that had caused their introduction. Chris could call Jensen’s bullshit more than anyone else. The only time that Jensen had been able to completely pull over the wool over Chris’ eyes was when he was pretending to be straight. Chris was the first person he came out to and to say Chris was surprised would have been an understatement. Then he was pissed at Jensen that he felt he had to hide something like that from him.

So, generally Jensen didn’t keep anything from Chris and vice versa. But Jensen couldn’t talk about this to him yet. It confused him a little and even made Jensen feel like he was betraying his best friend because he’d opened up to Jared. And that was another thing that got to him. Sure, Jared was beautiful and so damn hot he could set the sun on fire, but Jensen usually didn’t go for guys like Jared – carefree, easy to laugh, touchy feely, wore their heart on their sleeve. Yeah, that pretty much described everything he loved about Jared. Oh God.

He absently pressed the speed dial on his phone.

“You better have a damn good reason for waking me up,” Chris growled.

“I think I’m in love with Jared.”

“What the fuck?” Jensen could hear some rustling and then a door squeak. He wondered if Alona had spent the night and Chris went to another room so he wouldn’t wake her. Shit, Jensen should have thought of that. “You called me for the first time in a fucking week to tell me something I already knew?” 

He should have known Chris already had it figured out.

“Are you freaking out?” Chris asked, his voice calmer, more worried. Jensen wasn’t able to answer, didn’t know what to say. “You are. Shit, Jensen, say something.”

“Something,” he croaked out.

Chris barked out a laugh. “Man, when you decide to have a meltdown, you always gotta do it epic, don’t you?”

“Yeah, well, you know, wouldn’t want to disappoint.”

“You still at your folks’?”

“Coming home tomorrow, but I thought you already knew that. Jared said he’s been talking to you.”

“Needed somebody to, you sure as hell weren’t.” It sounded a bit accusatory, but Jensen also heard the hurt in his friend’s voice.

“Sorry.”

Chris sighed heavily. “Jensen, what do you want me to tell you? That it’s all gonna be okay? You know it will be.”

“Not really.”

“Now hold on there just a minute. Jared said you two had a really nice weekend.”

Jensen’s brow lifted in surprise. Jared always seemed to be more reserved around Chris, respectful of Jensen’s friendship with him, but also not sure how to take Chris. “He told you that?”

“And I didn’t have to threaten him once,” Chris said proudly. “Starting to come around to really liking that boy.”

“Chris,” Jensen said tiredly, not even sure why he was getting upset whether or not Chris liked Jared. Chris hadn’t cared for Rick, had made that perfectly clear from the beginning, came right out and told Jensen that Rick wasn’t the guy for him. But Jensen had just ignored Chris, kept on believing that Rick was the perfect match for him, that Rick was exactly what he wanted.

“Dammit, Jensen, can’t you just fucking _enjoy_ something in life?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jensen asked defensively.

“You know exactly what it means,” Chris said on weary sigh.

“Why does everyone think that just because I’m serious about my job, serious about my life, that I don’t like it just how it is?”

“Huh, yeah, wonder why _everyone_ thinks that?”

“I don’t even know why I called you,” Jensen muttered.

“I have a pretty damn good idea, but I don’t think you wanna hear it.”

“Give it a whirl.”

“You wanted me to talk you out of dating Jared, tell you that you really aren’t falling in love with him. That Jared doesn’t tick off enough of those boxes on your perfect guy list and there’s someone else out there that does.”

Jensen was quiet as he absorbed the words. Was that really why? Jesus.

“Jen,” Chris said quietly, “I’m gonna tell you something and then we’re gonna hang up. You think on it some and if you want to talk about it more, we can. Later. Okay?”

“Yeah, okay.”

“We’ve been through a lot of shit together, kid,” Chris said with gruff affection. “Don’t let a tragic fucking decision made by a patient throw you back into the pit you were in, to a life that you thought you _had_ to live. Deep down, you know that’s true even if you can’t admit it to me. You’re happy with Jared, happier than I’ve seen you in a long time. I never, not once, saw that when you were with Rick. And, goddamnit, you’ve got a right to be in love with whomever the hell you want. I’ve told you that before, I ain’t telling you again. Love who you want, Jensen. Let them love you.”

It had been a long time since Chris had called him kid. He usually only did these days to piss Jensen off. This wasn’t one of those times.

“All right,” Jensen said, his throat hurting from the emotion he kept shoved down. “I hear you.”

“Okay then,” Chris said. “I’ll talk to you later.”

Chris disconnected the call before Jensen could say anything else. This was going to be something he would have to think over. Chris brought up some good points. Jensen hadn’t been happy with Rick, just chased after what he’d thought he always wanted and needed. What he really needed to do now was to listen to and trust his own heart.

~o0o~ 

Josh had suggested they play a round of golf. Jensen had always been involved in sports in high school, and even in college he’d play pick-up games of whatever was going on – basketball, lacrosse, softball – but lately he hadn’t had time for anything of that sort, only stuck to getting his exercise from working out.

“So,” Josh said, as Jensen sank a tee into the ground and gently settling the golf ball onto it. “Jared’s nice.”

Jensen snorted as he squinted down the fairway, set up his shot and then swung away, relishing in the solid whack of the club against the ball. “Way to be subtle, bro.”

“Subtle went out the window when you never have time for your family,” Josh said, and his tone wasn’t exactly accusatory, but it had some heat to it.

“What the hell?” Jensen frowned as his brother set up his own shot.

“Well, you talk to Mom, but only ’cause she calls you.”

“I call,” Jensen grumbled, watching his brother ball fall just short of his own.

“You even know my number? Have a conversation with Mac besides when you’re home?”

That accusation pissed him off. “I talk to Mac all the time and I don’t see you burning up my phone line.”

“True enough,” Josh said thoughtfully as they walked down the fairway. “So if I call, you gonna talk to me for longer than it takes you to tell me how busy you are?”

“Dunno, might listen long enough to hear you say the same.”

Josh chuckled. “All right, so we’re both a couple of dumbasses. I hate hearing about this stuff going on with you second hand. You used to come to me, man. I found out about Jared from Mom. I wouldn’t even have known you were dating anyone if it weren’t for that.”

“After Rick –”

“I never gave you shit about Rick!”

“Christ, will you let me finish,” Jensen said with a huff of impatience, shifting the golf bag on his shoulder with more force than necessary. “I was gonna say that after Rick, I decided that I wouldn’t introduce anyone to you guys until I knew where it was going.”

“Four months isn’t long enough to figure that out?”

Jensen felt a flash of guilt. He had been keeping his family and Jared apart purposefully at first for exactly the reason he’d told Josh. But then as time kept slipping by, it was easy to use the excuse that he was busy with work, Jared with college, and no time to come for a visit. He’d been putting it off for so long, nervousness about his family and boyfriend meeting had turned into dread.

“You’re right,” Jensen said.

Josh’s eyes were wide with shock. “I am? That was – surprisingly easy.”

“What? You don’t think I can admit when I’m wrong?”

“No, I don’t think that,” Josh said quietly. “You’re a pretty black and white kinda guy, Jen, and you’ve always been ready to own up to mistakes, even if they’re not yours and try to resolve it all by yourself.”

Jensen’s hand stilled from picking out his next club. “We’re not getting into this again, are we?”

“I’m just saying that sometimes you want to take responsibility for things that you have no control over.”

“That’s not true,” Jensen said, not even paying attention to which club he grabbed, but when he lined up to take his shot, he was glad it at least wasn’t his putter.

“We’re your family, Jensen, since when have we let you go through stuff by yourself?” Josh asked harshly.

“I’m not your dorky kid brother anymore.”

“One,” Josh said with a small grunt as he made contact with the ball, “you’ll always be my kid brother. Two, I’m never gonna stop looking out for you. Quit trying to take the world on your shoulders. You don’t have to be the perfect grown-up one hundred percent of the time.”

Jensen hit his own ball, not even caring that it didn’t even make as far as Josh’s this time. “Josh, did you even like Rick?”

“Never really got a chance to know him,” Josh said, picking up his bag and walking up next to Jensen. “You were always really uptight whenever you talked about him and when you brought him down here, man, gotta tell you, that wasn’t fun at all.”

“What the fuck does that mean?”

“Does it really matter? You’re with Jared now.”

“Just tell me for cripes sake!”

“Yeah, I forgot to mention what a stubborn asshole you are, too.”

“Josh,” Jensen sighed, hefting the strap of his bag onto his shoulder. “Give me a break here, huh?”

“I dunno. With Rick it was like you were just waiting for us to say the wrong thing, tell you we hated the guy. When you came for dinner, you had everything planned out. What time you guys would get here, exactly what we should eat, where everyone should sit, what topics were safe to talk about, when you were going to leave. It was – weird.”

“I thought that would make it easier on everyone,” Jensen said quietly. “So that’s why y’all got along with Jared so well? I didn’t play control freak with his visit?”

“Maybe. Mostly, I think it was because we could tell how much _you_ like him. Besides, Jared’s a pretty easy guy to get to know.”

“Yeah, he is,” Jensen said with a small smile, but it melted away quickly. “You don’t like him just because he came down here and woke my mopey ass up do you?”

“Well, yeah, he has that going for him, but I don’t think he’s a cure-all for all things Jensen. He’s a nice guy, you sure as hell seemed happier when he was around. But I also remember what’s-her-face from high school and that shit didn’t just magically blow over when you found out she wasn’t pregnant.”

“I thought we weren’t gonna get into that.”

Jensen didn’t have to hit his ball too hard to get it onto the green, but he overshot, and his brother followed his lead. He could see the tension in his brother’s shoulders, thought Josh may resort to throwing the club as he used to when they were teenagers and playing the links with their dad. Instead, Josh took a few violent swings.

“Dammit, Jen, why can’t you ever come to me? Why do you have to wait until your guts are all twisted up inside before you ever say anything?”

“I’m twenty-six, don’t you think it’s time I take care of myself?” Jensen said quietly, falling into step beside Josh as they moved on to take their next try at the cup.

“That’s the point.” Josh barked out a harsh, mirthless laugh. “What was it, like since you were fifteen or so? You’ve been trying to do everything on your own, hiding shit. Jesus, didn’t you think I knew?”

“What?” Jensen asked, stiffening. 

“I knew you were gay,” Josh answered quietly, looking at the ground. “Way back when you were just starting high school.”

“Knew? How?”

“Something was wrong, I knew it, but you’d never say. I was freaking the fuck out, so I started following you around, did some snooping.”

“You were _spying_ on me?” Jensen was pissed, but making an effort not to be. He knew Josh had been trying to be there for him, but the invasion of his privacy rankled.

“No matter how many times I asked, no matter what I did, you would always tell me you were okay, everything was fine. You’re my _brother_ , I wasn’t just going to let you flounder.”

“What did you find?” Jensen asked as dread and embarrassment coursed their way through him.

“When you didn’t know anyone was watching you, you definitely checked out the guys, not any girls. Don’t worry, you were subtle about it, but still… and I found some porno mags in your room.”

“Shit,” Jensen mumbled, rubbing his hand across the back of his neck. “What about Mom and Dad?”

“I didn’t tell anyone. I thought you’d come to me a lot sooner than you did. Hell, I was expecting it.”

“That’s why you got so mad about Kristie.”

“I almost told you then that I knew, but you looked completely wrecked, like one more thing was gonna break you. Mom and Dad came down on you pretty hard and I seriously didn’t want to take the chance of causing a meltdown when you were dealing with getting into college.”

“And you never even told Mackenzie?”

“No. She found out when you told everyone else.”

“No way. I thought for sure she knew – the way she acted.”

“Jensen, she loves you,” Josh said quietly. “You’re _her_ big brother and you can do no wrong. She never saw you like that, gay or straight, you’ve always just been Jensen to her.”

“I was too scared to tell anybody. I didn’t even tell Chris for a long time.”

“At least you were able to tell somebody.” Jensen could hear the hurt in his brother’s voice.

“Mac isn’t the only one that suffered a case from hero worship, you know. I could chance telling Chris. He’s my best friend and it would’ve sucked if he told me sayonara just because I’m gay, but I would’ve dealt with it. I couldn’t handle losing my family, any of you.”

“I get that,” Josh said, leaning against his club. “Just don’t ever think you have to deal with stuff on your own. It doesn’t have to be face-to-face, man, just call me, even if it’s to have someone listen to you bitch.”

“And just because I’m your younger brother doesn’t mean you can’t call me.”

Josh snorted, gave him a sheepish smile. “Yeah, okay. So, we’ll both do a better job, right?”

“More picking up the phone and actual talking. Got it.”

“Good. Now, let’s get our head back in the game so it doesn’t take us ten hours to get through the next seventeen holes. Then later you can buy me lunch.”

“Burgers and cheese fries at Meldrums?” It was one of the oldest restaurants in town, a favorite hangout after school and almost everyone in town had worked there at one point or another, including Jensen and his siblings.

“Oh God, yeah,” Josh groaned. “I haven’t been there since forever. I’m so getting a milkshake, too.”

“No, gotta have the lemon meringue pie.”

“Mmm, yeah, a milkshake _and_ pie,” his brother said, smacking his lips

Jensen slapped his brother on the back. “Whatever, dude. It’s your stomach.”

“Hey, I’m still young enough to get away with eating like that when I want to.”

“Go ahead, just keep telling yourself that,” Jensen teased. 

As he they walked to the next green, Jensen wondered how he could’ve been so blind, couldn’t have seen that his family loved him unconditionally.


	12. Chapter 12

Jared made it through his morning class, but he was going to have to double check his notes. He zoned out more than once, his mind still with Jensen. Even though he knew he shouldn’t skip his next class, he found a shaded spot on the quad and pulled out his phone.

When his dad answered, Jared was surprised to feel his eyes sting with tears. “Hey, Daddy,” he said, hoping he didn’t sound like he was falling apart.

“Son?” his dad said, voice full of concern. “Jared? What is it?”

“Just wanted to hear your voice.” That much was true. He called his mom most often when he needed a lift, her soft voice always reminded him of her cool hand pressed to a feverish brow, or tucking him at night with a kiss. Never a boyhood fear that couldn’t be washed away by her presence. But sometimes a man needed his daddy just as surely as he did his momma.

It was quiet a moment, then Jared could hear the squeak of his dad’s office chair, knew he was leaning back, stretching out his long legs. “Been a Monday, I’ll tell you,” his dad said, voice light. “Almost thought I was gonna have to get out my can of whup ass on a couple of folks. Thankfully, we all got our act together and things settled down a bit. Looking forward to noon though so I can get away from the office for a bit. Your momma packed me a nice lunch and think I might take me a little stroll down to the park.”

Jared snorted. “Dad, I’ve never known you to ‘take a little stroll’ in my life.”

“What? You don’t think I like to walk, get a little exercise?”

“Of course you do, but you’re not a man who doesn’t walk without purpose. That’s the exact opposite of stroll.”

“Huh. You may be right, son. Okay, so I’ll take a purposeful walk down to the park.”

Jared looked at his watch, wished San Antonio wasn’t so damn far away so he could go and spend his dad’s lunch hour with him.

“Your momma and I went to the garden center this weekend, you know how much she loves to look at all the plants and flowers. They got a new exhibit this year, some butterfly thing. She was all excited about it, but when we got there, it wasn’t open yet, gotta wait another few weeks. Don’t know why. Aren’t butterflies available year round?”

“You would think,” Jared answered quietly. “Tell me the story about you falling in love with momma.”

“Oh, son, you’ve heard this story a million times.”

“Make it a million and one.”

There was only a momentary pause before his dad launched into the story. And just like every other time he told the story, his voice was warm with nostalgia, just like Jared had craved hearing. “Your momma was working at the movie theater, behind the concession stand. I was on a date with Karen Benderson, real sweet girl, and I was convinced she was the prettiest gal in the whole state of Texas. I laid eyes on your momma though, serving up popcorn and snacks, and well, Karen just paled in comparison. Took me three weeks of going to the movies by myself before I convinced your momma to go out with me. Few months after that, I knew she was gonna be my wife one day.”

“For real? That really happened, it’s not just a story you tell us?”

“Yes, Jared, I fell real hard. Padalecki’s tend to do that. Lead with our hearts, damn the consequences.”

“Daddy? You remember me telling you about the guy I’m seeing.”

“Of course,” his dad said quietly. “Something going on between you two?”

“Jensen’s in a bad way and I’m afraid for him.”

“Afraid how?” Jared heard the chair squeak again and thought maybe he was upsetting his dad.

“He had a patient. A young man.”

“Yes, I recall you mentioned him. He committed suicide.”

“Jensen’s having a hard time with it.”

“You afraid he’s gonna do something to himself?”

“Not hurt himself in a physical way,” Jared was quick to reassure. “But I think maybe he’s taking on too much of the blame.”

“Something like that isn’t easy to get over.”

“I know. I spent the weekend with him at his parents’ place and we had a real nice time. I’m home now but he’s still there.” Jared swallowed and closed his eyes, even though his dad couldn’t see him, it was the first time he was about to say this out loud. “I love him, Daddy.”

“I know you do, son.”

“You do?”

His dad chuckled. “You don’t think I know you well enough to see when you’ve fallen in love? You’ve talked about the man non-stop since you met him and each time, I hear more and more love in your voice.”

“Really?”

“We sure can’t wait to meet him.”

“He says he wants to meet you real soon.”

“I’m happy to hear that.”

Jared looked up into the trees, watched the leaves moving gently with the warm breeze. “I feel like a selfish bastard.”

“Now, son, that doesn’t make any kind of sense. I don’t think you know the meaning of the word.”

“I’m afraid of losing him over this. That he’s going to let this terrible thing a boy did to himself dig into his life and not let go of it.”

“You need to give him some time, Jared.”

“He completely shut down on me at first, wouldn’t talk to me, and ran away to his parents. I followed him mostly ’cause I couldn’t stand not talking to him, not knowing how he was doing. Wanted him to myself, wished he would’ve come to me. I’m that way around him a lot. Thinking of myself first.”

“Jared –”

“Sometimes I get scared how I feel about him, like it’s too much. Like I’m too much and he’s just gonna get tired of me.”

“Love can be like that at times. It’s over-powering, especially in the early stages. It’s scary, and fun, and exciting. But it can be aggravating and hard work, too. Best damn ride of your life, though, if you’re willing to buckle in and ride out the bad with the good.”

“We’re different in a lot of ways. He’s always so serious, and I’m… not.”

“You know, there are lots of sayings out there. Opposites attract, absence makes the heart grow fonder, love conquers all, crap like that. I’ve never believed them because humans, well, we’re all so different, that no one can really say how we’re gonna react to certain situations. When it comes to matters of the heart, we’re even more unpredictable. It really all comes down to listening to your heart, your gut, and your head. You love this man, right?”

Jared didn’t even hesitate. “Yes.”

“New love is mostly easy. It’s exciting and only wants us to show the best of ourselves. Your position is hardly unique, having to face a tragedy so soon into it, and it can bring up a lot of issues faster than normal. Maybe it’s a good thing – let’s people see they don’t belong together, or that it really wasn’t love. Or maybe it’s the thing that brings them even closer.”

“I want to be with him, but –”

“Jared, when you came to us and said you thought you might like boys better than girls, I really admired you for doing that. I know it wasn’t easy.”

“You did?” Jared asked with quiet surprise. His dad had never really said much about Jared being gay. Jared had been scared as hell to tell his parents, but he couldn’t even imagine trying to keep it from them any longer once he himself had accepted it. His dad had hugged him, kissed his cheek, and thanked Jared for coming to them.

“It would’ve been a lot simpler for you to keep dating girls, at least until you got to college. You could’ve easily hid it from us while you were there. It was brave, coming out to us, especially while still in high school. Seems to me that someone as brave as that isn’t going to run from a little hard work. Not when the payoff is better than anything you can imagine.”

“Thanks, Dad.” And Jared hoped that his dad knew that the thank you was for more than talking to him, for reassuring him, for saying he wasn’t any different. It was for all the times that he’d stood beside Jared, good times and bad, always supporting him even if he didn’t always understand him.

~o0o~ 

Jared was spaced out on the couch watching a marathon of old ‘Twilight Zone’ episodes when Sandy came in looking frazzled. She had gone to the library late in the afternoon to do some research for a project and by the looks of it, had been at it for hours.

“How long until the school year is over?” she asked, flopping down beside him.

“Couple of months,” Jared said, throwing an arm around her shoulders and pulling her in for a sympathetic hug. “You decide if you’re going home for the summer?”

“Probably,” she said with a sigh. “At least for a few weeks. Did you get everything settled with your internship?”

“Not yet,” he evaded. Jared had his eye on working for Goodyear once he graduated and he was lucky to get into their summer internship last year. He’d applied for it again this summer, and put in his application for the local one in Tyler, Texas, but there was also one to work abroad for the summer. Jared had a lot of competition to get that one and he was, in fact, most likely going to drop out.

“Jared,” she said, her voice dipping low on the second syllable.

“They won’t be announcing it for a few weeks yet, but I think I’m just going to stick with the local one anyway.”

She craned her neck so she could look at him, but he had his eyes glued on the TV. “Did you even tell Jensen about the opportunity to go abroad for the summer?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“You were excited about the prospect when it came up, when you put in for it.”

He let his head fall back against the couch. “That was before Jensen.”

“No duh,” she said impatiently. “You obviously know him better than I do, but I don’t think he’d like knowing you passed up an opportunity for an all expense three month stay in Europe.”

“It wouldn’t a vacation,” Jared huffed. “I’d have to work. There’ll be other opportunities down the line, I’m sure.”

“At least talk it over with him.”

“I can’t.”

“Why? Because you think he’ll convince you should go.”

“No,” he answered honestly. “I can’t talk about this right now, okay?”

She studied him for a moment. “Why not?”

He usually shared everything with her, but he couldn’t with this, he was feeling too vulnerable. Couldn’t because he was too scared to even think about it let alone put it into words.

“All right,” she said, snuggling up tighter against him. “Which episode is this?”

“The dude that played the first Darren from ‘Bewitched’ works at a bank and gets telepathy.”

“Ooh, I haven’t seen that one in a long time.”

They watched two more full episodes together before Jared’s phone went off with Jensen’s ringtone and Jared sprinted to his bedroom before answering it.

“Hey,” he answered breathlessly as he settled cross legged on the bed.

“And just what have you been up to?” Jensen teased.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”

“Now don’t go having too much fun without me.”

“No, I won’t,” Jared said soberly.

“Jare?”

“Sorry, been a weird day. Think I’ve got PMS or something.”

“What?” Jensen asked through a laugh.

“Never mind,” Jared said with a smile, glad Jensen sounded happy. “How was your day?”

“Good. Josh and I had a good time, had a nice family dinner.”

“Still coming home tomorrow?”

“Yes,” Jensen said softly. “Probably won’t get there until late afternoon. I’m gonna stop off at the hospital, let Jeff know I’ll be back to work next week for sure.”

“You gonna let me come over tomorrow night?”

“Would it stop you if I said no?” Jensen asked wryly.

“Uh, probably not,” Jared admitted with a grin.

“My mom is taking the morning off tomorrow to load me down with food, so you better come over and help me eat some of it. Hell, she’ll probably call you and invite you over, make sure you get some. She thinks you’re too skinny.”

“Aww, your momma wants to feed me.”

“Yeah, I keep telling her that was a mistake. Now she’ll never be able to get rid of you.”

“No, she won’t.” And Jesus, maybe he really did have PMS because he felt his eyes prick with tears.

“Jared, you want to tell me what’s going on?” Jensen didn’t sound pissed, just worried.

“Felt out of sorts today is all,” Jared said, picking at a loose thread at the hem of his jeans.

“My family overwhelmed you, didn’t they?”

“No,” Jared said quickly. “Not at all. I like your family. A lot. They were really welcoming and it was awesome to meet them.”

“Then what is it?” Jensen asked softly.

Jared pulled the thread free and moved to the next one. “Just a lot going on with the end of the term coming up, getting ready for summer.”

“Something I can help you with? Study for?”

“Thanks, but no. Just having one of those days, you know? Lots of different directions to go in and trying to stay organized and shit.”

“Yeah, I understand. If you’re sure that’s all.”

“Jensen,” Jared said with a huff of exasperation.

“Okay, sorry,” Jensen mumbled.

“See… told you it’s freakin’ PMS,” Jared said lightly. “I’m moody as hell.”

“I guess you’re allowed every twenty-eight days.”

Jared let a real laugh bubble up and couldn’t help but feeling pleased when he heard Jensen join in. “I also have a craving for chocolate.”

“And how is that different from the other 364 days out of the year?”

“At least I didn’t ask for pancakes.”

Jensen laughed again and it was more of a giggle, a sign that Jensen was getting tired. “God, you and breakfast foods.”

“Not just any.”

“We are not having this conversation again,” Jensen said with amusement.

“You need to go ahead get some sleep,” Jared said quietly.

“It’s not even late yet.”

“Enjoy getting all the sleep you want while you can.” Jared didn’t say he was worried Jensen wasn’t sleeping well or that he probably hadn’t been eating properly either. He didn’t tell Jensen how much he missed him or that he couldn’t wait for him to get home. He didn’t because he was pretty sure Jensen already knew.

“Yeah, guess you’re right,” Jensen agreed, his voice soft with affection. “Night, Jared.”

“G’night, Jensen.”

Neither of them had hung up, he could still hear Jensen breathing, and Jared was reluctant to flip his phone shut, to disconnect the call.

“Go study or whatever you need to do. I’ll see you tomorrow, Jared.”

“Yes, you will,” Jared promised. 

He slowly flipped his phone closed, fell back against his mattress, and stared up at the ceiling. Not for the first time he wished that he was already finished with school, that he had a job and was earning his own way in the world. He was almost certain that Jensen loved him; he could feel it in the way Jensen spoke to him, cared for him, made love with him. But he couldn’t forget the night they had met when Jensen had said that he thought graduating from college, getting a job, was the beginning of his adult responsibilities. He wondered if that meant Jensen still saw him as a kid, not yet ready to handle being a grown up. Or capable of knowing the difference between a crush and being in love.


	13. Chapter 13

On Tuesday, Jensen’s mom spent the morning with him and did indeed load him up with enough food to feed both him and Jared for at least a week. She even baked a batch of chocolate chip cookies especially for Jared. With the food safely packed away in a cooler, Jensen stopped by the hospital on his way home.

He met with Jeff briefly, told him he’d be ready to come back to work on Monday, then went to Dr. Ferris’ office to schedule an appointment. Her secretary got him on the schedule for the following day, assured him that Dr. Ferris left some slots open every week for such a purpose. Jensen wasn’t exactly sure what ‘such a purpose’ constituted, but he was actually glad he didn’t have to try to squeeze in an appointment next week when he returned to work.

He didn’t really want to go see Dr. Ferris, but sometimes he felt like he was losing it. There were too many things warring against each other inside of him. He knew life was hard, never expected it to be easy, but he’d always been able to handle it. Drew’s suicide pushed against his resolve and his conversation with Chris had tipped Jensen over the edge. The helpless feelings that made him run to his childhood home and had temporarily been pushed away over the weekend had come back, and they made him feel twitchy and awkward. He needed to get some control back and if that meant going to see Dr. Ferris, then so be it.

Once he got the food put away and a load of laundry in the washer, he tapped out a text to Jared.

_Mom made choc chip cookies for you. Bring some milk over & we can share._

He wasn’t surprised when he received a reply not even a minute later.

_Dude! Be there in 20 tops!_

Jensen made use of the time while he waited for Jared by making his house feel lived in again. The air in the house smelled stale and it was too damn quiet. There had always been some type of noise at his parents’ house, whether it was the quiet rumble of his dad’s snores at night, or their soft voices talking in the kitchen, or the buzz from some program on TV. His mom liked to keep the house tidy, which is probably where he’d gotten into the same habit, so the sound of dishes or clothes being washed, the whir of the vacuum, were always there; just little sounds that were somehow a comfort to him. He realized he missed that and this trip home had just reinforced that. He turned on some music, cranked up the volume, before he opened some windows.

It still wasn’t good enough, so he grabbed a beer and went outside to sit on the front stoop. Spring would be giving way to summer soon. Jared would be starting an internship almost as soon as he was finished with the school term. Goodyear was an international company and Jared would have the chance to get hired after he graduated, might even mean he could go to work at any one of their locations worldwide. Jensen was happy for him, but he didn’t want to think of it just now, took another long pull on his beer instead.

Jared pulled up a few minutes later, a gallon of milk in his hand and smile on his face. 

“Dude, beer doesn’t taste good with cookies. Like, at all.”

“True,” Jensen said with a grin, setting the bottle down on the concrete step beside him. “Milk is much better.”

Jared pressed a soft kiss onto Jensen’s lips. “I’ll be back in a sec,” Jared said against Jensen’s ear, then went inside.

“Sure,” Jensen said easily and when he heard the screen door bang behind him, he leaned his elbows on his knees and rubbed his hand over his mouth. He buried all his previous thoughts and concentrated on the fact Jared was here. Right now, this minute, was all he needed to think about.

The screen door opened again and Jared sat down beside him, two glasses of milk and the ziplock bag full of cookies in his hands. He handed a glass to Jensen before he opened the bag, inhaled deeply, closed his eyes and gave a satisfied groan.

“Seriously?” Jensen asked with a chuckle. “They’re just cookies, dude.”

“Homemade, especially for me. Here,” Jared said, shoving the bag underneath Jensen’s nose. “Smell.”

“You are beyond weird,” he teased, rearing back.

Jared pulled the bag back, took a cookie out and held it in front of Jensen’s face. “Surrender to the power of the cookie.”

Jensen leaned his head forward and bit into the cookie. They were good, and crisp, just the way he knew Jared liked them.

Jared smiled at him before he stuffed the rest of the cookie into his own mouth.

They sat out on the front stoop, ate the cookies and drank their milk in companionable silence until Jensen felt like if he ate one more crumb, he’d get sick. Maybe it wasn’t the little noises that kept him sane; it was who he was sharing it with.

“How was class?” Jensen asked just before he polished off the last of his drink.

“Eh,” Jared said with a shrug. “It’s Tuesday. Classes are never good on Tuesdays or Wednesdays.”

“Is that so?”

“Yeah, you know, Monday is all about getting back into the swing of things, recovering from hangovers, or whatever. Thursday is gearing up for last minute junk they want to get squeezed in before the weekend because Friday, you’re just so damn glad to have two days away, it’s all good.”

“Huh.” He’d never thought of it like that, but Jared was probably right. “You’re pretty smart, you know that?”

“Aww, you’re just trying to butter me up so I’ll let you play with my belt.”

Jensen felt his stomach jump at the thought. “Pretty sure you’ll let me do that anyway.”

“Just my belt?” Jared asked, his voice low, his grin wicked.

“Yeah, hand it over, I’ll be back in ten.”

“Nuh-uh,” Jared said, stood up and held his hands protectively over his belt buckle. “Only if I get to watch.”

“Just watch?”

“Participation would be much better, but watching you is never gonna be bad.”

“All right,” Jensen said, stood and licked his lips in anticipation. “Give it to me.”

Jared’s laughter died a quick death, the teasing gone from his eyes and he jumped to his feet replaced by the flames of lust. “I’ll give it to you, all right.”

“Lead the way.”

Jared gathered up their glasses and what was left of the cookies and when Jensen raised eyebrow an eyebrow at him, Jared held the bag close to his chest. “Hey, someone might steal ‘em.”

“Then I better set the alarm,” Jensen managed to get out before Jared leaned in for a quick, hard kiss. Jared crowded up behind him as they went into the house, sticking to him like a second skin as he closed and locked the door, punched in the code to the alarm.

“I don’t know, man, you have some bizarre kinks,” Jensen teased. “Cookies, alarms… what’s next?”

“You’re my kink,” Jared huffed against his ear.

Jensen laughed softly, wrapped his fingers around Jared’s wrist. He wasn’t going to think any more, just lose himself in his lover’s body, taking whatever Jared wanted to give.

~o0o~ 

After a couple of rounds of sex, a shower and a nap, Jensen had shared with Jared over dinner his plans for the next day. Jared didn’t hide the fact that he was pleased Jensen was following up with the psychiatrist. In fact, he’d looked pretty damned relieved. Jensen couldn’t really blame him. Jensen’s emotions had been all over the place the past few weeks and he knew he needed some help to deal with things.

Jared had to leave early the next morning to get home and gather what he needed for his classes, which worked out since Jensen wanted to go in early before his appointment with Dr. Ferris. He needed to see what had been going on at work while he was gone, check which patients were on his schedule for next week, and hope to God that it felt normal and good.

Things were uncomfortable at the hospital. He could feel people, his co-workers, watching him with sympathy. Katie came up to him and hugged him tightly, but left without saying anything and Jensen wasn’t sure if he was grateful for that or not. He went over his patient list, checking on their progress, but he couldn’t sit still, kept fidgeting, and was glad when it was time for his appointment.

He had to wait a few minutes to see Dr. Ferris, so he was glad there was no one else in the waiting room beside the receptionist, who was busy at her computer. The door to the inner-office opened and Dr. Ferris ushered him in.

She had a nice space, big windows and large comfortable chairs. Dr. Ferris indicated he should have a seat. “I’m glad you came in,” she said sitting in the chair opposite his, crossing her legs at the ankle. “How have you been feeling?”

“Pretty shitty, to be honest.”

“The death of a patient is always difficult, but suicide is especially painful. There are no answers, not really. We can only go by what we’ve learned over the course of treatment and that’s not always easy if they were hiding things, which Drew was.”

“I understand all that, I had to take psychology in school.” Jensen knew he sounded standoffish, but he couldn’t help it.

She gave him a grin. “Yes, of course. So, you know that you’re angry with a side order of guilt and you don’t really need me.”

“Well –”

“I happen to agree with you.”

“You do?”

“Drew was my patient, too. I can’t really treat you.”

“I don’t need treatment. I just wanted to talk.”

“Great,” she said with a smile, pushing out of the chair and walking over to her desk.

Jensen frowned and squirmed in his chair. She came back and held out a business card to him. She raised her eyebrow when he didn’t move and he felt compelled to take the card out of her hand. He looked down at the block printing. Misha Collins, PhD along with a phone number and address.

“He’s very good, not affiliated with the hospital. I think you’ll like him.”

“I’d rather just talk to you. Today.”

“Jensen,” she said sitting down on the edge of her chair. “Please, just go talk to Dr. Collins, at least once.”

“Why didn’t you just give me his card a couple of weeks ago?”

“I thought you’d stick his card in some drawer and forget about it, try to deal with this on your own.”

Jensen rubbed the back of his neck. It was discomforting having someone analyze you. “You’re probably right.”

“Okay,” she said, like it was a preface to something bigger. “Don’t be angry.”

“How come whenever someone starts a sentence like that it’s sure to mean you _will_ be angry?” he asked lightly, but he was pretty sure he wasn’t going to like whatever she had to say.

“I called Dr. Collins and he has an opening this afternoon. He penciled you in.”

Jensen digested that a moment. She’d done a pretty damn good job at sussing him out. He _did_ want to talk to someone today. He might not next week, he might fall into his old habits, burry things deep and try muddle through as best he could. “You’re kinda pushy, you know.”

“So I’ve been told,” she said with a grin.

“What have you told him about me?”

“Just the particulars – Drew’s suicide and that you were his PT.”

“Are you seeing him?”

Her smile faded and her eyes got a bit misty. “No.”

“I’m sorry, that’s none of my business.”

“It’s not, but I don’t mind you knowing that I have gone to someone to help me get through this. Kid really threw me for one.”

“Yeah,” Jensen agreed softly. “I thought he was doing great just before he… How did I miss he was so upset?”

“I’m sure you didn’t. Sometimes a suicidal patient will have a rally of sorts, put on a brave front for everyone to see. It’s not really them, they aren’t showing us what we need to in order to help them. They aren’t able to maintain the façade for long and they slip further into depression and can’t escape.”

“I just don’t get it. He came to me about really personal things, why couldn’t he have said something?”

“I can’t answer that, I wish I could,” Dr. Ferris said quietly. “There’s things I could guess at, we both could, but the whole truth, it’s something we’ll never know.”

“I guess not.”

“I’m so glad you’re following up on this,” she said earnestly. “It’s too much to try to sort out on your own. If things don’t work out with Dr. Collins, please let me know. I have a few other recommendations.”

“Sure,” Jensen said with a nod, getting up and heading for the door.

“His office is in the old strip mall on Shepler Road. Appointment’s in an hour.”

“Got it and… thanks.”

She gave him a warm smile as he closed the door behind him. He drove straight to Dr. Collins’ office, sat in his car for half hour, trying to listen to the radio but failing, and almost talked himself into leaving about a dozen times. It was still fifteen minutes before his appointment, but if he didn’t walk in there now, he was going to find a reason to start his car and never come back.

A chime rang out when he opened the door to a waiting room filled with chairs and a couch. A box of children’s toys was in one corner, a table filled with magazines in another. There was a clipboard on one of the chairs by an open doorway.

“Hello?” he called out cautiously.

“Hey,” a friendly voice answered. “You’re my one thirty?”

“Uh, yeah, guess so. Dr. Ferris said she had you pencil me in.”

There was a chuckle. “Pencil my ass, she _told_ me I better fit you in or else. At any rate, you’re early.”

“Sorry… I’ll come back.”

“No, no. Come on in. Grab that clipboard while you’re at it. You can fill it out while I finish.”

 _Finish what_ , Jensen thought, feeling more than a little uncomfortable, but picked up the clipboard, saw it had an intake sheet and a pen clipped to it, and walked through the doorway. He stopped cold when he saw a man in jeans and t-shirt in some sort of yoga pose.

“Sorry for my casual dress. I didn’t have anyone scheduled today, was just going to do paperwork.”

“Um, actually, that’s okay. You, uh, do that a lot?”

The man chuckled again. “What? Yoga? Don’t worry, I’m not going to make you do it. Just sometimes paperwork is such a bitch, I need to center myself. You know?”

“Oh yeah,” Jensen said with a snort. “I have a metric ton of it to do almost every day.”

“Go ahead and have a seat and fill that out for me. I’m Misha Collins. I try to keep expenses down by not having a secretary or receptionist, so filling out all the insurance crap falls on me.”

“Jensen Ackles,” he introduced himself before taking a seat in one of a pair of leather easy chairs that sat facing each other on the opposite side of the room from Dr. Collins.

“I wouldn’t even have a desk if I didn’t need it for the computer and files and so forth. Not a very relaxing atmosphere.”

Jensen eyes roamed over the office. The longest wall was composed entirely of shelves crammed with books. He couldn’t see any of the titles, but surely there had to be more than just self-help books or whatever a psychologist would have. A small, round table between the easy chairs held a box of tissues. There was a laptop on the desk surrounded by stacks of files. It was a small office, but it felt comfortable to Jensen.

A noise for the other side of the room brought Jensen’s focus back to what he was supposed to be doing. He quickly filled out his personal information and checked off all the boxes of ‘symptoms’ he was experiencing. He was just finishing up when Dr. Collins cleared his throat.

“I’ll be back in a moment,” Dr. Collins said when Jensen looked up.

While he waited, Jensen looked back over his answers to make sure he didn’t skip anything, but Dr. Collins was only gone a few minutes. He came in and closed the door behind him, took the clipboard from Jensen and went over to his desk. When he sat down opposite Jensen, he had a yellow legal pad and a pen, and wrote something at the top of the page before looking up and giving Jensen a smile.

“Please just call me Misha. May I call you Jensen?” Jensen’s nod produced another smile before Misha continued. “Sam briefed me on what’s happened. First let me tell you that I’m very sorry for your loss.”

Jensen just blinked at him. It was the first time anyone had said that to him. “It… I didn’t… He was….”

“He was a patient, yes?” Jensen could only nod again. “Then it’s a loss for you no matter what type of relationship you had with him. Were you close?”

“I wouldn’t say so, no,” Jensen said, looking down at his hands resting on his knees. He tried not to move them, not form them into fists.

“Oh? Then what would you say you were?”

“Just his physical therapist.”

“Okay,” Misha said easily, writing something down.

“I mean, Drew… he was a smart kid.”

Misha’s look was encouraging. “Yeah?”

“He liked to tease. I… we talked about music.”

It all just tumbled out then. He told Misha how much he admired and respected Drew, how fond he had become of his young patient, and the talks they’d had. He also shared how angry he was and the crushing guilt he felt and couldn’t seem to get past. He even told him about his time spent at his parents’ home, and some of what it had been like growing up and then coming out to his family. 

He also spoke of Jared. It was incredibly easy once he got started and Jensen knew he’d kind of been played by Dr. Ferris. He did feel a lot more comfortable being away from the hospital and he was sure she knew that he would’ve never sought out a counselor on his own. Before he realized it, he’d been talking for over an hour as Misha jotted down notes. Misha interrupted him with an apology, telling him that it was all the time he had for him today.

“You already know about grief,” Misha said, “so I’m not even going to go there with you right now. You have a lot of guilt that you’re carrying around, and not just from Drew.”

“Yeah,” Jensen said quietly. 

“I’d like to meet with you again, Jensen. I think you’d benefit from once a week sessions to start.”

“That much?” Jensen asked with a frown.

“Only for five or six weeks,” Misha soothed. “There’s quite a bit I need to find out and that will take longer than just a couple of sessions. We need to dig in to all of it if we’re going to be able to work on helping you.”

“I just thought –”

“I know,” Misha said softly, “but one appointment isn’t going to do it. You wouldn’t expect to completely help one of your patients with only one visit would you?”

“No, of course not.” Misha looked at him with a raised brow and Jensen chuckled. “Okay, I see your point.”

“All right,” Misha said, standing up and going to his desk. “I have Saturday morning appointments if that works best for you.”

“Actually, yeah, that would be perfect. I’m starting back to work next week, so I’ll be swamped for a while.”

“Good. Let’s meet next week then,” Misha said, flipping some sheets in what must have been a day calendar. “I have an eight or an eleven open.”

“Eleven sounds good,” Jensen said as Misha wrote something in the book, then grabbed a card off his desk and wrote on it before coming back over and handing it to Jensen.

“Now, I have some homework for you,” Misha said. “Each day I want you to do one thing that makes you happy, just for you.”

“But…”

Misha held up his hand to quiet him. “It can be to indulge in a favorite TV show, or a smutty novel, or listening to a favorite song over and over at the loudest decibel level tolerable. But it’s just you that you should worry about pleasing, no one else. At least a half hour a day where whatever you are doing is making _you_ happy.”

“Every day?” Jensen asked skeptically.

Misha laughed full out at that and patted his shoulder. “Just give it a try. And buy yourself a journal and write down what it is you do.”

“Man, it really is homework,” Jensen grumbled, but he having trouble keeping his grin contained. He liked Misha a lot and figured Dr. Ferris was pretty damn good at her job.

“Yes, but I’m not going to grade you on it. Just write it down.”

“Okay,” Jensen said, thinking of sitting on the stoop yesterday with Jared eating his mom’s homemade cookies and drinking milk. They hadn’t even talked, just enjoyed the weather and eating some munchies together and it’d made him happy. “I guess I can handle that.”

“Good. See you next week.”

~o0o~ 

Jensen was in the middle of the school supply aisle at Wal-Mart when his phone went off. A text message. Normally he wouldn’t even think of it being anyone other than Jared, but he knew a lot of people were worried about him right now, so it’d be hard to guess who it might be. He smiled when he saw Jared’s name on the display.

_B O R E D. Save me!_

Jensen chuckled and realized how much he’d missed this small connection he shared with Jared each day.

_Sorry. You gotta deal with classes on your own._

Jensen kept the phone in his palm as he chose a spiral notebook and cheap packet of pens and threw them in the little basket.

_Ur mean. :( No sex for you._

Jensen laughed and then coughed in embarrassment as he saw two older ladies turn toward him with a frown, like he was a naughty child or something for using his phone in the store. He gave them apologetic smile and shrug before he started to tap out his answer.

_You sure? Means no sex for you too._

The reply message was almost immediate.

_Dammit! No cookies then?_

Normally Jensen wouldn’t keep responding to texts while he was in a store, but this made him happy and he wasn’t about to stop.

_Are you asking or telling? Besides they’re your cookies not mine._

Jensen had moved to the pharmaceutical aisle by the time Jared’s reply came through.

_I will steal all of ur coffee_

Jensen smirked as he typed out his response. _I don’t know Starbucks on every corner makes it easy to get a fix._

Before Jared could reply, Jensen tapped in a question. _Which do you like better, strawberry or cherry?_

_R u buying me food? :)_

_Sort of. Pick one._

_Cherry. What do u mean sort of?_

_You don’t eat it although you may have occasion to taste it, thus the flavor._

Jensen made his selection and was already heading toward the checkout when his phone buzzed again.

_Huh?_

_Think about it._

Jensen pocketed his phone as he put his purchases on the conveyer belt and smiled at the pretty, young cashier as she greeted him. He heard his phone chime several times as he finished up his transaction, but he didn’t want to answer until he got back to his car.

There were three texts from Jared waiting for him.

_Where r u?_

_R u at a sex shop?_

_Duuuuuuuude! Dont leave me hangin!!!_

Jensen was about to reply when his phone started to ring. He didn’t have to look at the screen to know it was Jared.

“Dude, relax,” Jensen said after opening his phone. “I was in the checkout line of Wal-Mart.”

“Oh,” Jared said with disappointment.

Jensen chuckled. “Are you still in class?”

“No, it let out a couple of minutes ago. So… you were buying lube at Wal-Mart?”

“Yes,” Jensen confirmed. “Along with a few other things. You coming over tonight?”

“Well, yeah, just try and keep me away from some cherry flavored Jensen.”

“Think you can make it last for at least a half an hour?”

“What? Licking every inch of your body?”

“That would make me very happy.”

Jared let out a deep and throaty laugh. “I would hope so. What’s with the time limit?”

“Since Dr. Ferris treated Drew she thought it’d be better if I talked to someone else. Sent me to see a psychologist. Misha Collins.” Jensen didn’t mind talking about it, knew Jared would ask anyway. “He told me that for a half an hour each day I had to do something that makes me happy.” 

“Aw, I’m your happy place.”

“No, no. You’re gonna _take_ me to my happy place.”

“Whatever, dude. It is _me_ that makes you happy, therefore, I am the center of it.”

“Wow, I didn’t realize your ego had grown to gigantic proportions.”

“If you got it, flaunt it.”

“I think I should make _you_ an appointment with Misha.”

Jared laughed, but his voice turned serious when he asked, “So it went well?”

“Yeah. I’m going once a week for a while, but I think I like him.”

“Good,” Jared said quietly.

“How ’bout you come over around five. There’s still some casserole from Mom that I can heat up.”

“See you then,” Jared promised.

“Later,” Jensen said before disconnecting the call.

He sat in the car and flexed his fingers around the steering wheel. He didn’t feel like he had before Drew’s suicide, but at least he felt accomplished. And teasing and talking with Jared had been good, and although it hadn’t been a half an hour, it had made him happy. Maybe he could find his happiness again, a little bit at a time.


	14. Chapter 14

Jared stopped by his house on the way home from class before heading over to Jensen’s. They were squeezing in time together when they could. The end of the quarter and his fourth year of college was a busy one. Jensen had a more than full schedule at work and also faithfully kept his appointments with his psychologist.

Jared was pretty sure he was going to get the local internship from Goodyear, but he had a couple of others he’d applied for just in just in case that one didn’t work out. Thankfully, he’d have a week or two before any of them started and he planned to go visit his family during that time. His parents pretty much made it mandatory that he come home and spend at least a little time with them over summer break, especially since his brother Jeff was going to be there as well.

Jared couldn’t yet see much of a difference in Jensen, not yet, but Jensen had said that his counselor cautioned it would probably be several weeks before anything significant happened. He could see that Jensen was trying, but it was the times when Jensen wasn’t aware, when they were watching a game on TV or a movie, sometimes even when he thought Jared was sleeping, that he saw the grief and the guilt and whatever else was warring inside of Jensen dragging him down.

He’d tried to do some research on grief, but really, it was different for everyone, and Jared had to put his trust in Misha Collins to help Jensen through it. Jared wasn’t sure though, because even though Jensen continued to do the half hour of happiness thing, it was mostly things that Jared was involved in, whether it was sex or going out to the pit at Chris’ house, out to dinner or a bar, none of it was just for Jensen alone.

They’d gotten into a little skirmish about it, but Jared let it go when Jensen stated that it made him happy to spend time with him. He was so tired from school, studying, and worrying about securing a summer internship, and this was something he had to trust was going to work out the way it was supposed to. Jensen could be a stubborn son of a bitch, and Jared was glad he was still going to see Dr. Collins.

Now that it was a Friday and he didn’t have classes tomorrow, Jared was feeling a little bit lighter. Jensen was supposed to get off work a little early and Jared wanted to surprise him with dinner. It wasn’t going to be anything fancy, just some grilled chicken and corn on the cob, but it was something he could do for his boyfriend and it made him feel good and accomplished.

Jared was just about finished with everything when Jensen pulled into the driveway. “Oh my God,” Jensen groaned in ecstasy as he came up on the porch where Jared was manning the grill. “What is that delicious smell?”

“Just some chicken,” Jared said with a shrug, smiling brightly at Jensen’s obvious delight.

“You’re my hero,” Jensen said giving him an affectionate kiss. “I didn’t get lunch today and I’m starving. Do I have time to shower?”

“Yeah, of course.” Jared wondered why Jensen had skipped lunch but didn’t want to ask. Jensen was a grown man and could take care of himself and he certainly didn’t appreciate people fussing over him. Besides, Jared had something he wanted to ask Jensen and it was making him ridiculously nervous.

Jared didn’t find his nerve until they were finished eating and even at that Jensen had to call him on it. “Wanna tell me what’s bothering you?”

“Nothing,” Jared said with a shake of his head.

Jensen leaned his elbows on the table. “Uh-huh, sure. You’ve barely said more than two words since I got home.”

“Well,” Jared said clearing his throat, “I was just wondering if maybe you could take a long weekend off when I go to visit my parents. Maybe come meet my family?”

“I can do that,” Jensen said with a soft smile. “I was waiting for you to ask. Figured if you didn’t, I’d just show up there and introduce myself. Someone else I know did that and it turned out spectacularly well.”

“Must be a pretty smart guy.”

“I think so,” Jensen agreed, leaning across the table for a kiss.

They lingered at the table for a while longer talking over little things that had happened during the week. Jared was feeling comfortable and, with his belly full, more content. He could get used to nights like this and he let his mind drift a little to home cooked meals and quiet, easy conversation shared around the dinner table. Like a family.

The scrape of Jensen’s chair against the floor brought Jared out of his musings. “I’ll clean up, only fair since you cooked. Wanna pick out a movie or something?”

Jared stood and grinned. “Yeah, okay.”

He bypassed the living room and headed straight for the bedroom. He was going to capitalize on the mellow feeling they had going on. He pictured kisses that lasted for hours along with touches that never ended until finally they fell asleep in an exhausted heap. With the intention of being naked and ready on the bed when Jensen found him, Jared opened the drawer of the nightstand, ready to grab the lube, but a scrap of cloth caught his eye. It looked out of place with the normal paraphernalia of lube, condoms, a couple of skin magazines and a porno. He snagged the blue paisley material and pulled it out. It was a bandana, folded and tied, ready to be worn as a headband. Frowning, he studied it for a moment, trying to recall if he’d ever seen Jensen wearing it. And what, exactly, was it doing in Jensen’s sex drawer? 

He was still puzzling it over when Jensen walked in a moment later. “Hey, I thought…”

Jared looked over to the doorway where Jensen stood frozen and saw the blush staining Jensen’s cheeks. Jared cocked his head. Why was Jensen embarrassed? Jared held up the headband as it dangled from his finger. “Any particular reason this was stashed in here?”

“Well, uh…” Jensen looked uncomfortable as he rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s, um… it’s yours.”

“It is?” Jared looked back down at the bandana. He couldn’t remember ever wearing it.

“The night we met,” Jensen said quietly.

It still took Jared a moment to put it all together. “Oh my God! Sandy gave it to me when I got up on stage. But how did you end up with it?”

“You stuffed it in your back pocket after your performance. I found it in the couch, you know, after you slept here that night.”

Jensen looked so cute, still squirming in his embarrassment, and Jared couldn’t help the wide grin that broke across his face. “You use it to jerk off with? Makes you think of me?”

“No,” Jensen denied, finally moving forward to make a grab for the headband, but Jared held it easily out of his reach.

“Yes you do,” Jared sing-songed. “Do you wear it? Wrap it around your hand?”

“Jared, c’mon,” Jensen growled.

“It’s okay, Jen, you can tell me. Did you save it to remind you of that night?”

“You were so fucking hot, strutting around that stage.” Jensen had finally lost his embarrassment, the low timber of his voice shooting a spark of desire down Jared’s spine. “That’s why I was so surprised when you told me you were gay. Shit like that doesn’t happen to me.”

“Meeting other gays?”

Jensen shook his head from side to side slowly, his eyes locked with Jared’s. “Being lucky enough to meet someone who I click so easily with, who’s not afraid of his sexuality, who wants me.”

Jensen wasn’t the only one that could do growly things with his voice. “Oh, I wanted you. Still do.”

“Always craved a repeat performance,” Jensen challenged.

“Only if you do it with me.”

“The fun is in watching.”

“I don’t know about that.”

“Bet I’m not as good as you.”

Jared grinned. “I’ll take that bet.”

“I wasn’t really –”

“You got the song on your iPod?”

“Yeah, but Jared.” Jensen stopped with a resigned sigh and hooked a thumb back toward his dresser. “It’s over there.”

Jared cued the music up, putting the bandana down onto the dresser but Jensen was right behind him, arm curling around him. “Wear it,” Jensen requested softly.

“All right,” Jared agreed easily, slipping the headband on before hitting play. He turned and guided Jensen to the center of the room, stood behind him.

“I want to watch you,” Jensen murmured.

“It’s gonna be good this way,” he whispered against his lover’s neck. “I promise.”

As Axl Rose’s opening wail filled the room, Jared skimmed his hands down Jensen’s arms, then lifted them, fitted his hips snug against Jensen’s backside and used them to guide Jensen into a slow gyration.

Jared hummed his approval into Jensen’s ear. “Look at how good you are already.”

He switched their positions so that Jensen was now behind him as Jared led them in some easy moves to the music, Jensen seeming to follow easily. Being aroused before they had even started this, Jared was having a difficult time not going down to his knees and getting his mouth and hands all over his boyfriend.

When Jared flipped their positions once again, he almost missed the small grunt of disappointment that Jensen had let escape. It notched up Jared’s excitement that much higher. As Axl sang about feeling his serpentine, Jared slowly slid his hands down Jensen’s crotch, cupping him lightly, then squeezing. Jensen’s head fell back against Jared’s shoulder and Jared sang along, loud and clear, “I wanna hear you scream.”

As Axl made some porno sounds, Jensen ground his ass against Jared and moaned, “Give it to me, baby.”

Jared’s stomach did a flip at the endearment. Jensen hardly ever used them and to hear him say it now, all breathless and full of want, had Jared wishing they didn’t have any clothes on, and he could take Jensen right now. “Take your shirt off,” he instructed, their bodies still close together, gyrating to the music, moving as one. It wasn’t long before they were both naked from the waist up.

All that skin was just too much temptation and Jared couldn’t keep away from it. His hands grabbed onto Jensen’s hips as his mouth latched onto the juncture of his shoulder and neck. The music was a little slower now and Jared used it to his advantage, widening his stance, fitting Jensen in between his legs, slowly rolling their hips.

Jensen was making more needy sounds, deep in his throat and there was just no way to resist that either. Jared took his time though, felt him up pretty good before he got Jensen’s fly open on his jeans. “Oh, fuck,” Jared moaned when he realized Jensen had gone commando. Jensen gave a small triumphant chuckle, but Jared gained the upper hand again, literally, when he trailed his fingers over Jensen’s hard shaft.

“You like that?” Jared asked with a smirk when he heard Jensen’s gasp. Jared moved back only enough so that he could get Jensen’s jeans down his legs and Jensen immediately kicked out of them. He wanted to kiss Jensen, taste him, but the control, the power he had over Jensen was intoxicating and he didn’t want it to end just yet.

Pulling Jensen back into him, Jared slowly lowered them to the floor. Jensen went willingly and Jared was glad that they both had the core body strength for the maneuver as Jensen was cradled in the vee of his legs, a move he’d done alone on stage at the bar, but this was so much hotter. Jared’s back was flat against the floor, Jensen’s flush against him. Jared bucked his hips, eliciting a groan from Jensen.

He wouldn’t be able to hold this position long, so took advantage of it while he could. He ran his fingertips over Jensen’s chest, paying particular attention to his nipples while Jensen dug his fingers into Jared’s knees.

He could feel the heat of Jensen’s skin like a fire ready to consume him. “I wanna fuck you.”

“God, yes,” Jensen said on an exhale.

“Go get on the bed.” Jared had to work to keep his voice under control. He watched Jensen scramble off the floor and crawl onto the bed and, God, what a sight _that_ was. “Jesus, you’re so fucking sexy.” Jensen looked back at him, all strung out and far from being as in control as he normally was, before lying down on his back. Again, Jared was hit by how he was the one that did that to him, that Jensen let him do it.

They were both too far gone to spend much time on prep, Jared had only just gotten two fingers into Jensen before his lover was keening for more, begging for it. Jared got the condom on and slicked himself quickly – he certainly didn’t need the extra stimulation. He didn’t want to lose it before he could satisfy both of them.

Jensen’s eyes were locked on him as Jared pulled him down the bed a little, arranged Jensen’s legs over his own thighs, and started the slow push in. It would have been hard to miss the grimace of pain that flashed across Jensen’s face, but the look in his eyes told Jared he’d better not stop.

Jared would’ve liked to have kept up a steady stream of commentary, telling Jensen how beautiful he was, how tight and hot, and how much he loved being inside him. But he couldn’t manage much more than a few incoherent and highly unoriginal ‘fuck’s and ‘shit’s and there was probably a few ‘oh God’s in there as well. Jensen didn’t seem to mind as he seemed to be in pretty much the same state. They kissed until the sensations were too strong; their mouths hanging open, panting each other in.

Jensen wrapped his legs around Jared’s waist, arching up into each thrust. He could feel Jensen’s cock between them, wet and hot and he just had to touch it. Adjusting the angle a little so he could support himself with one arm, he got his free hand between them, wrapped it around Jensen’s shaft and stroked, fast and hard.

Arching up into him, Jensen chased his mouth for a moment to get a kiss, ran his tongue over Jared’s lips before dipping into his mouth. Jared thrust harder, moving them until Jensen hit the headboard.

“Don’t stop,” Jensen moaned, one of his arms coming up to push against the headboard for leverage. “I’m gonna come, don’t fucking stop.”

Jared kept thrusting through Jensen’s orgasm, feeling his man all around him, the hot splash of his release on his hands and Jared followed right behind him before collapsing on top of Jensen.

“Jesus,” Jared said breathlessly.

Jensen chuckled. “Yeah.”

“That’s a damn good song.”

“One of my favorites.”

Jensen lowered his legs with a small groan, motivating Jared to slip out and roll off. They were touching, but not wrapped up in each other just yet, that would come later when they were ready to fall asleep. Jared was going to get up to dispose of the condom and clean them up a little, but he didn’t have the ability to move just yet.

He must have dozed off, because he didn’t even feel Jensen get off the bed, just felt the headband being plucked from his forehead. “That’s mine,” Jensen growled as he deposited it back in the drawer.

“But now I know it’s there.”

“That’s okay. You can bring it out whenever the mood strikes you.”

Jared laughed as Jensen smirked back at him before heading into the bathroom. Oh yeah, they were definitely putting this on the must do again list.

~o0o~ 

Jensen was bone tired when he left work and he couldn’t even remember what Jared’s schedule was like today. The only thing he did know was Jared had tests to study for and Jensen wasn’t too far removed from his own college days to know all too well what that was like. He stopped at IHOP, got a huge order of pancakes to go and headed over to Jared’s. Food was always in order when you were trying to get through finals. 

Sandy and Chad were on the front porch, sprawled out on some chairs, books at their feet.

“Taking a break?” Jensen asked with a grin.

“My head is going to explode,” Sandy said with a groan. “I can’t wait for this week to be over!”

“Your boy isn’t here,” Chad said through a yawn.

“Oh?” Jensen said as he tried to recall if Jared had said he’d be out this evening.

“He’s over at Goodyear turning down that thing abroad,” Chad said with a nod.

“Thing abroad?” Now Jensen was totally confused, and then became suspicious as Sandy sat up slowly, looking between a mixture of surprise, panic and guilt.

“Chad,” she hissed.

“What?” Chad asked, sounding irritated as he looked over at her. “Shit. You mean he didn’t tell him?”

“Obviously not,” Sandy said with a sigh.

“What didn’t he tell me?” Jensen asked, setting the carryout bag down and leaning against the railing.

“Goodyear offered Jared an internship in Europe for the summer,” Sandy said quietly. “He would have never gone, no matter what. He wouldn’t.”

Jensen gripped the railing tight, the metal biting into his skin. “I thought he was going to work at Goodyear _here_ , in town.”

“He was offered his choice,” Sandy answered.

“Right. Tell him if he wants to see me, to come over,” Jensen said shortly, turned and walked back to his car. He wasn’t sure if he was more pissed or hurt that Jared hadn’t told him about the chance to go abroad for a whole summer. That was a fucking lifetime opportunity. There was only one reason he could think of that Jared would turn it down and that was just not going to happen.

It was an hour later before Jared turned up and by that time Jensen had already drank about three beers. He hadn’t even really wanted to drink them, but he needed something to do while he waited. Maybe it was for courage, but more than likely it was just a defense mechanism. If he was drunk, he could pass out soon. Probably not the best idea, but it was either that or start punching through some walls while he waited.

Jared came in through the back door and Jensen met him in the kitchen. 

“Hey,” Jared said with a small smile. He sounded breathless and looked a little leery.

“We need to talk,” Jensen said, went to the fridge, pulled out a beer and offered it to Jared.

“No thanks,” Jared said, his voice clipped. 

Jensen shrugged then sat down on one of the kitchen chairs, twisted open the beer, and took a long drink. “You had a chance to go abroad for the summer.”

“I did,” Jared answered almost defiantly. 

“I found out because Chad let it slip. He obviously thought you had told me already.” Jensen deliberately kept his voice calm, but he couldn’t look at Jared, kept his eyes on his beer bottle as he tipped it to and fro.

“I didn’t turn it down because of you.”

“Bullshit,” Jensen said before taking a healthy swig of beer.

“Okay, if I had any intention of going, then maybe you would have played a part in not accepting the offer.”

“ _Maybe_?”

“Are you drunk?” Jared asked, leaning closer.

“Getting there.”

“Why?”

Jensen shrugged. There was no answer to that question that Jared was going to like. 

“Jen,” Jared said and then he took a deep breath, clenched his jaw and thinned his lips. Anger was okay. Jensen could handle that.

“Give me a good reason why you passed up such a remarkable opportunity,” Jensen said, leaning back against his chair, finally raising his eyes to Jared’s. “Just one.”

“You sure you’re ready to hear it?”

“Lay it on me.”

“Because I’m fucking scared, Jensen.”

Nope. No way in hell was he ready for that. He got up and headed for the back door, but Jared was faster, blocking his way.

“You wanted to hear this, man.”

Jensen couldn’t look at him, but it probably was best to get it out in the open. Get it over with.

He could hear Jared take a gulp, hear the break in his voice when he said, “I’m afraid that if I’m not here every day to remind you how good we are together, that I’ll be the next thing you set aside. I’ll be what’s in your way of being the… whatever it is you think you have to be.”

Jensen felt heat flush through his body. “That’s not fair,” he said hoarsely, his eyes meeting Jared’s.

“What else am I supposed to think? You gave up your music, some basic luxuries of life, time with your friends, your family, all so you could be what? The perfect adult?”

“That’s different, Jared.”

“Different from what?” Jared asked. “I’ve been waiting, Jen, it’s in the back of my head all the time that you’re going to say it’s over between us.”

“That’s no way to live.”

“No, it’s not. But it’s the times you introduce me to your family and friends, when you kiss me, smile at me, lay me out on your bed and make love to me, hold my hand, laugh at something I said or did, touch me like I’m the most wanted person in the world that makes me hang on. Makes me hope you’ll realize it’s okay to be in love with some goofy assed kid who isn’t perfect but loves you with everything that he is.”

Jensen wanted to touch Jared so bad, he was shaking from it. “I wouldn’t have broken up just because you left for the summer.”

“Really? Are you sure about that because I have a good theory about why you’re drinking right now.”

“Oh yeah?” Jensen’s anger crept back in a little. He was tired of everyone analyzing him. Jesus!

“Get blitzed, tell me to get the hell out and not come back, thinking I’ll go to Europe, and then lock the door behind me. Easier to do all that when you’re drunk.”

“Jared –”

“It’s too late. They already filled the Europe internship. I’ll be right here all summer long.”

“That’s awful damn fast of them.”

“They announced their decision today, the next person would need time to get ready to go. I put in for it before I even met you, was going to drop out, but then things got kind of crazy and I forgot.”

“Still pretty stupid of you to turn something like that down.”

“Haven’t you been listening to me?” Jared yelled, gripping Jensen’s biceps tightly, his fingers biting in the flesh and muscle. “I just told you I love you. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”

“Jared, please, go back to them, call them, whatever you need to, and tell them you changed your mind. I promise, I’m not breaking up with you.”

Jared dropped his arms but his body was tense, Jensen could see it in every line of his body. “Do you think because you’re older than me, your decisions are better than mine?”

“No, that’s not – Jesus.” Jensen rubbed his hand over his forehead. This was getting out of hand.

“It _is_ what you think,” Jared accused, his eyes narrowing.

“Jared, just calm down. You should go to Europe. You’d love it, I know you would.”

Jared studied him for several moments. “You’re right, I probably would, but not now. Now I would be miserable because I wouldn’t be able to stop thinking of you.”

“Don’t fucking stay here for me! I’ve made it through twenty-six years of my life on my own, I think I can damn well manage the rest of it without you.” Oh fuck, that sounded cruel and mean and not at all what he’d meant to say and the look on Jared’s face was like he’d been shot through the heart.

Jensen reached out for him, but Jared shied away, his eyes bright with unshed tears. “I didn’t mean it,” Jensen whispered. 

“No, I get it,” Jared said, his voice shaking, whether from anger or heartbreak, Jensen wasn’t sure. “I do understand, Jensen. But… shit, I don’t think you know me at all.”

“Yes, I do,” Jensen said even as his shoulders slumped in defeat. This was it. He’d gone too far and Jared would leave his ass. It was no less than he deserved. “Jared, this is an opportunity you can’t pass up. A couple of months in Europe, paid. Who says no to that?”

“I guess I do,” Jared said softly. “I don’t think you know yourself very well either. You’re a good man, Jensen, and we’re good for each other. We _belong_ together.” 

It seemed as if Jared wanted to say more, but he stopped, looked down at the floor for a long time before finally locking his eyes with Jensen’s. “If you ever wake the fuck up and realize that, you know where to find me.”

Jared walked out then, not even slamming the door. It fell shut with a soft click. Jensen stood there for a long time afterward thinking that Jared had it wrong. He wasn’t a good man. He was pretty fucked up. But he was right in pushing Jared away because obviously he sure as hell didn’t deserve him.

~o0o~ 

Jensen waited for two days before calling Jared. He knew what he wanted to say, had it all planned out, but still he sat for several minutes looking at Jared’s name on his contact list before actually pressing the button to call. Jensen half expected it to go to voicemail anyway, positive Jared wouldn’t want to speak with him.

“Hey,” Jared answered. He sounded worn out and Jensen’s confidence to a nosedive.

“How’re finals going?”

“Eh, you know. Can’t wait for them to be over.”

“Yeah,” Jensen agreed with an awkward chuckle. “Are you, ah… doing okay with them?”

“They’re keeping my mind occupied. Gotta keep my grades up to stay in the program.” Jared sounded a little bitter and Jensen surely couldn’t blame him.

“Tomorrow’s the easy one, right? Math?” Jared loved math, and although the class had been a challenge for him, Jensen knew he’d pass the final without trouble.

“Yeah, my last one, too. Thank God.”

“Then off to see your family.”

“That’s the plan.”

“Good.”

“Jensen… what’s going on?”

“I was thinking that maybe we should take this time to figure things out.”

Jared gave a deep sigh. “Okay.”

“We’re not breaking up,” Jensen assured him.

“Yet,” Jared said sharply and Jensen could tell he was pissed.

“Jared, please, I’m just asking for some time.”

It was silent for so long, Jensen pulled the phone away from his ear to make sure they were still connected, and was glad to see the minutes ticking by instead of ‘call disconnected’. He closed his eyes, whispered, “Please.”

“All right.” Jared’s voice sounded cracked and abused. Jensen felt guilty as hell that he was the one making Jared feel like this, but he needed to sort things out, to understand what he was feeling or he wouldn’t be any good to either one of them. 

“Thanks. I’ll talk with you when you back.”

“Okay.” Jared said before disconnecting the call.

Jensen normally wasn’t a person that leaned toward the melodramatic, but the separation from Jared seemed wrong on so many different levels. It was a battle between guilt and want and Jensen wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do. Was it still part of the left over feelings from Drew? Or was it true what Jared had said? Did Jensen truly think he knew better because he was older than Jared and trying to assert some sort of dominance over him?

Jensen didn’t have another counseling appointment with Misha until next week, but Misha always ended their sessions with a friendly reminder that Jensen could call and schedule a time to come in whenever he felt the need. Jensen called Misha promptly at nine the next morning and, thankfully, Misha agreed to extend his office hours a bit for Jensen and got him in that evening.

Misha was sitting at his desk typing on his laptop when Jensen walked in.

“Jensen, it’s good to see you,” Misha said with a smile. “Have a seat, I’ll be right with you.”

“Take your time,” Jensen said as he sat in one of the big, comfy chairs. He ran his hands nervously over his jeans, trying to formulate how to begin telling Misha what had been going on, what he’d done.

Misha stood and stretched his back out by twisting to and fro. He grabbed his tablet and pen before he walked over to the door, closed it, and sat in the opposite chair from Jensen.

“Bad week?” Misha asked.

“I found out Jared lied to me.”

“Really?” Misha questioned with the quirk of his brow. “Was it by omission?”

Jensen smirked and shook his head. “How the heck do you do that? Yeah, it was by omission. He decided I didn’t need to know something important.”

Misha gave him a small grin. “It’s good to be able to read people in my profession, don’t you think? Anyway, you don’t look angry, but I see some traces of guilt lurking around.”

“Oh, I was pissed when I first found out,” Jensen admitted.

“Well, come on, tell me about it,” Misha said, crossing an ankle over his knee.

“He had a chance to do a summer internship in Europe. He was afraid to go, afraid to even tell me about it. Said that I would probably break up with him just to force him to accept the offer.”

“And would you have done that?”

“No,” Jensen said with a frown. “I would’ve told him he needed to accept the offer, though.”

“He _needed_ to?”

“Well, you know.”

“No. Why would he need to go, Jensen?” Misha asked quietly.

“Because it’s an amazing opportunity.”

“His words or yours?”

“Mine, but c’mon.”

“Mmm-hmm.”

Jensen took a deep breath and let it out slowly, looked down at his intertwined fingers in his lap as he said, “He accused me of thinking my decisions are better than his because I’m older.”

“Do you think they are?”

“No, because I’m not his parent or his older brother! I’m his –”

Misha looked at him with patient, understanding eyes, but didn’t say anything.

“He’s young,” Jensen finally said. “He acts rashly sometimes, doesn’t think things through. He’s going to regret his decision.”

“And you know this because?”

“Of course it’s impossible for me to know for sure, but, Jesus, I don’t want him staying just for me.”

“I’m sure that if Jared was offered an internship in Europe, he will get other opportunities in the future. Besides, you don’t think you’re worth him staying, letting this one go by?”

“He told me he loved me.”

“Hmm,” Misha hummed looking down at his pad for a moment. “Do you believe he loves you?”

“I… don’t know.”

Misha studied him for a moment. “Have you told him how you feel?”

“No,” Jensen answered quietly. “He’s so young.”

“So you’ve mentioned. Is there an age requirement on love?”

“No.”

“Commitment?”

“Maybe.”

“Do you measure everyone by your own experiences? Your own timeline?” Misha asked, his voice quiet, his gaze curious.

Jensen immediately wanted to answer ‘no’, but he stopped and thought about it. “I think I have a tendency to do that.”

“Are you afraid Jared will fall out of love with you?”

“Love isn’t a guarantee for anyone.” Jensen took a deep breath, but it did nothing to calm his nerves. “Sometimes I feel like I want to take the chance with Jared. Other times, I don’t know if I’m good for him.”

Misha tapped his pen on his sneaker, looked like he was getting ready to write on the sole for a moment. “Jensen, do you like yourself?”

“What? Of course. I mean, I don’t think every decision I make is the best, I’m only human, right? We all make mistakes.”

“Yes, we do,” Misha said softly. “Just because you hurt, because you aren’t perfect, doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be loved. As you say, it’s no guarantee, so what’s holding you back?”

Jensen didn’t hesitate to answer. “Me.”

“Why?”

“In the past when I’ve done it, things got so out of control. I – I don’t like that feeling.”

“How does being with Jared make you feel?”

“He makes me feel everything. Happy, sad, angry, lust, fulfilled, stupid.”

Misha smiled. “I don’t think I’d describe love any other way.”

“No. I guess not,” Jensen answered, scratching behind his ear. “But I really fucked up. I hurt him and then sent him away. Told him I needed time to work things out. I think it’s going to take more than a simple ‘I’m sorry’ to convince Jared.”

“Okay, let’s go back to the control issue,” Misha said. “Why did you start dating Rick?”

Jensen swallowed a sigh of frustration. “I already told you this. Because it was a logical time to try to find a serious boyfriend. Someone I wanted to settle down with.”

“Did you love him?”

“I tried to convince myself I did, but I see now that I didn’t.”

“Now answer this next question as honestly as you’ve been answering all my other ones. First thing that comes to you. Why are you with Jared?”

“Because he makes me feel all those things I told you. He makes me feel love.”

“Did you hear that, Jensen? What you said?”

“Yes,” Jensen said quietly.

“Don’t be afraid of it because it doesn’t fit within your time table or your belief of what you thought love was supposed to be.”

Jensen scratched at his nose. “Yeah, okay,” he said reluctantly.

“Now that you’re finally letting those walls down, don’t build them back up. You’re allowed to not be perfect, to revise a goal, to fall in love with whomever your heart desires. And it’s normal to be scared of all of that. Now, tell me, are you in love with Jared?”

“Yes.”

“Do you want to be with him?”

Jensen took another deep breath. “Yes. Definitely yes.”

“Good,” Misha said with a brilliant smile.

“But I don’t think an ordinary apology is going to work,” Jensen reiterated. “I don’t know if he’ll believe me.”

“You’re a smart man, Jensen, I know you’ll figure it out.”

Jensen nodded, some ideas already churning, but he was going to need help. “Thanks, Misha.”

“You just needed some help getting your right brain to jump in a little more on the act of living. We’ve come a long way but I think there’s still some work to do. Shall we cut it back to twice a month?” 

“Sounds good.” Jensen agreed that he wasn’t done needing Misha yet. Hell, he’d probably need a session more than ever if he actually made it through the next couple of weeks. When he stood, he noticed that Misha’s pad was blank. “You didn’t write anything down this time.”

“Sure I did,” Misha said, pointing to the rubber sidewall of his shoe. There was heart drawn there with an arrow through it.

“You know, you’re kinda weird.”

“So my wife tells me all the time” Misha said proudly.


	15. Chapter 15

Well into his third week without Jensen was in turns more difficult and easier than Jared had anticipated. At first, he’d been able to concentrate on his finals with determination and the mantra that he and Jensen were not breaking up. And although he didn’t want to think about it, even if they were, Jared had to keep his GPA up in order to stay in the BS/MS engineering program. That was, definitively, his future whether or not Jensen was in it. One thing he did know about Jensen was that if he asked for time, it was best to give it to him. Only this time Jared wasn’t going to chase after him. If Jensen wanted this relationship, he’d have to tell Jared.

The difficult part came with his family. Jeff was moving permanently to North Carolina to complete medical school at Duke University, saying he liked that part of the country. Jared was pretty sure a girl was involved, but he didn’t blame his brother if he wasn’t ready to spill on those details yet. Jeff had a long way to go, a couple of more years of school and then at least three for his residency. His parents wanted to have one last summer vacation with all their kids around. It had made Jared a sharp pang of melancholy since the last time he was with a tight knit family, it was with the Ackles.

It was Jared’s last night at home before he had to get back to start his summer internship on Monday. His parents always planned a big family dinner at a restaurant on the last day of vacation. This way his mom didn’t have to cook or clean up. And even though it was Megan’s turn to pick the restaurant, she chose one of Jared’s favorites. He had been careful not to mope around, but his family wasn’t stupid. He appreciated that they were trying to lift his spirits no matter how small or large the gesture.

Dinner was actually a lot nicer than Jared anticipated and he felt his tension ease the moment Jeff busted out the stories of how gullible his little brother was.

“Remember how upset you got that summer you were what, five or six, when I told you the real deal about the ice cream man’s music?” Jeff asked, laughing with glee, bumping their shoulders together.

“Man, that’s just not right,” Jared said, shaking his head. “I went the whole summer thinking that whenever I heard the music it meant he was out of ice cream.”

“I wondered why you never came running in for change,” his mom said. “You’d flop yourself down on the couch and cross your little arms over your chest and throw that lip of yours out as far as it could go. You were so cute.”

“Thanks, Mom,” Jared said with a groan. “Nice to know my pain was a source of amusement.”

“Dang, I wish I would’ve been old enough to remember that!” Megan put in, her eyes gleaming with mirth.

Jared turned to his sister, grinning wickedly. “Well, there was the time I told you that your tongue would turn black whenever you told a lie.”

Megan punched his arm and Jared guessed she was still pissed about it judging by the force of the hit. 

“Talk about not being right in the head,” Megan said, narrowing her eyes at him. “You’d bribe me to do something bad with a piece of licorice so that I’d have to lie to Mom and Dad when I got caught and I about peed my pants when I went into the bathroom afterwards and saw my tongue was black. I believed it for years!”

Jared rubbed at his arm even as he continued to laugh. “You used to hold your hand up over your mouth whenever you talked!”

Jeff threw his head back and laughed. “You are an evil SOB, little brother.”

“The devious minds of our children,” his dad said with a melodramatic sigh.

“How they ever made it past puberty I’ll never know,” his mom agreed gravely. 

Jared was actually surprised they weren’t asked to leave the restaurant because the stories continued as he and his siblings each tried to prove which one of them was the worst of the lot. The sun was just starting to go down by the time they finally made it out to the parking lot.

Their dad hit the key fob to unlock the SUV and asked, “You kids gonna go to a movie or something?”

“Yes!” Megan said, bouncing on her toes.

“No,” Jeff said, shaking his head. “Me and Jared are going out drinking.”

“I’m down with that,” Megan said with a grin.

“Absolutely not,” their mom said, grabbing Megan by the hand and pulling her the rest of the way to the SUV. “You’re underage.”

“But, Momma, I’ll be starting college in the fall.”

“Megan,” their dad said, his voice low and it was a tone that each of them knew well. There was no sense in arguing, none of them had ever won against it.

“Fine,” Megan said, throwing herself into the backseat of the SUV. “Go get drunk. Hope you have hangovers from hell tomorrow.”

His dad gave him and his brother a stern look. “They know better than that. Not too late, boys, if you please. And one of you doesn’t drink or a cab home.”

“Sure thing,” Jeff promised, throwing his arm over Jared’s shoulder, herding him toward Jared’s truck.

It didn’t take them long to find a bar, with Jeff on the lookout as Jared drove. It was pretty crowded, which wasn’t a surprise since it was a Saturday night. Jeff sent Jared to find a table as he went to the bar to get them each a beer. Jared wasn’t stupid. He knew his brother didn’t get him out on his own just to go drinking. This was Jeff’s way of checking up on him. Jared was ready for the questions and/or pep talk as soon as Jeff sat down across from him at the small round table.

“I’m fine,” Jared assured him before taking a drink.

“Good to know,” Jeff said, looking around. “You ever been here before?”

“No,” Jared said slowly, wondering if this was a new tactic of his brother’s. Act distracted so Jared would spill his guts. “No way was I going out drinking before I was legal. It would’ve gotten back to Mom before I even finished my first beer. By the time I was twenty-one, I was working internships elsewhere over the summer.”

Jeff’s eyes were everywhere but on Jared. “What time is it?”

Jared glanced down at his watch. “’Bout eight thirty. Why? You got someplace else you want to go?”

“Nope,” Jeff said, his eyes finally meeting Jared’s. “Want another beer?”

“Dude? What the fuck is going on? You’re jumpier than a virgin at a prison rodeo.”

“What? No I’m not!”

Jared studied his brother for a minute, then grinned, thinking he’d figured it out. “Are we meeting someone here? Your girlfriend? Why didn’t you bring her around before this? Am I the first to meet her?”

Jeff laughed. “No. Hell no, I wouldn’t introduce any girl I’m interested in to you first.”

“Why not? I’m lovable. Besides, I’m not gonna steal her away from you or anything. You know, kinda gay here.”

“Doesn’t matter. Seems like the girls all collect around you like cattle.”

“Oh, dude, it’s no wonder you don’t have a girlfriend if you call them _cows_.”

Jeff rolled his eyes. “Okay, how about they collect around you like bees to honey.”

“Well, that is a little better,” Jared conceded. “Besides, I’m pretty sure you have a girl hidden away in North Carolina.”

“Maybe,” Jeff said sheepishly. “Might be that I’m afraid to spring the ’rents on her just yet. You know how Mom gets.”

“Yeah, she’ll start planning the wedding before you have a chance to finish introducing them.”

“And we’re definitely not even close to that yet. Like, light years away, matter of fact.”

“I getcha,” Jared said with a nod. “What’s her name?”

“Becca.”

“How long have you been dating?”

“A month or so.”

“And you haven’t spilled?” Jared was impressed. Jeff usually couldn’t keep a secret to save his life. Of course, living a thousand miles or so away probably helped.

Jeff gave him a half shrug and Jared could see his brother’s face flush with embarrassment. Normally, Jared wouldn’t hesitate to tease the hell out of him, but he wasn’t going to begrudge his brother for wanting to keep things just between himself and his new girl for now.

“I hope it works out between you and that I get to meet her real soon,” he said, raising his beer, his brother tapping his bottle against Jared’s. He felt honored that Jeff had shared this with him.

“Thanks, man. I really –” whatever his brother had been about to say was drowned out by someone getting on the mic from the stage.

“Howdy folks!”

Jared’s head whipped around to the stage. “I don’t fucking believe it.”

“Our name is Kane and we’re here to try and entertain you for a bit.”

Jared stood and raised his arms. Chris was a connection to Jensen and Jared would take that no matter how weak it might be. “Christian Kane!” he yelled. “What the hell are you doing in San Antonio?”

Chris put a hand over his brow and looked out into the crowd and started to laugh. “Boy, did you come all the way here just to hear us play?”

“Fuck yeah!” Jared said. His heart started beating faster. If Chris was here, then maybe Jensen was, too. And if he was, then Jensen would have no trouble locating him. It was probably a long shot, but he couldn’t keep his brain from going there. “Where’s the rest of your entourage, man?”

“They’re around somewhere,” Chris answered, throwing his arms up in a helpless gesture. Then he looked back behind the stage for several moments like he was listening to someone talking. He turned back to the mic with a grin. “Oh, sorry, y’all. Guess it’s time to play some music.”

Jared sat back down, but was craning his neck to try to get a look around. He finally saw Alona and Amanda at a table by the stage. How had he missed them when he and Jeff first came in? They gave him smiles and waves and he returned them. He wanted to tell Jeff they should move up front with them, but he couldn’t get Jeff’s attention.

“So, I’m gonna get right to it then,” Chris continued. “We got a special guest with us tonight.”

And then Jensen was walking out onto the stage, carrying his guitar and Jared couldn’t even think any more. Jensen _was_ here. And he was going to play with Chris and Steve. In public. And damn, he looked so fine wearing his favorite pair of blue jeans, the ones that were worn in faded to white in just the right places, and a dark blue long sleeve button down shirt. Jared couldn’t take his eyes off him.

“Hi,” Jensen said, taking Chris’ place at the mic. “My name’s Jensen. I hope y’all don’t mind, but I got some serious making up to do for being a bad boyfriend. I have it on good authority that a song does wonders. I hope y’all be a bit forgiving, too, as I haven’t done this in a long time. This is for Jared, he deserves so much more.”

Jared gave a quick look at his brother, who was smiling like an idiot, and it was really becoming too much to process. Jared had obviously been set up, but he wondered just how deep it ran. Did all of his family know? Had Jensen called his parents? He looked at Jensen again, saw him take a few deep breaths as he pulled the guitar strap over his head and settled it on his shoulder and Jared could see the double braided bracelet. He’d dressed in all the things Jared loved seeing on him. Jensen fingered the fret for a moment then looked back at Chris and Steve. Jared could see Jensen’s other hand, the one holding the pick, shaking.

“He’s nervous,” Jared said.

“Sit down and let him sing to your stupid ass,” Jeff said, grabbing his arm and pulling. Jared hadn’t even noticed that he’d stood back up. He sank down onto his chair as he watched Chris put his hand on the back of Jensen’s neck and said something that had Jensen nodding before Chris stepped back.

There was a small instrumental intro and then Jensen started to sing as his gaze zeroed right in on Jared.

_Well I'm shameless when it comes to loving you  
I'll do anything you want me to  
I'll do anything at all_

_And I'm standing here for all the world to see  
Oh baby that's what's left of me  
Don't have very far to fall_

_You know now I'm not a man who's ever been  
Insecure about the world I've been livin' in  
I don't break easy I have my pride  
But if you need to be satisfied_

_I'm shameless, oh honey I don't have a prayer  
Every time I see you standin' there  
I go down upon my knees_

_And I'm changin' swore I'd never compromise  
Oh but you convinced me otherwise  
I'll do anything you please_

_You see in all my life I've never found  
What I couldn't resist what I couldn't turn down  
I could walk away from anyone I ever knew  
But I can't walk away from you_

_I have never let anything have this much control over me  
I work too hard to call my life my own  
And I've made myself a world and it's worked so perfectly  
But it's your world now I can't refuse  
I've never had so much to lose  
Oh I'm shameless_

_You know it should be easy for a man who's strong  
To say he's sorry or admit when he's wrong  
I've never lost anything I've ever missed  
But I've never been in love like this_

_It's out of my hands  
I'm shameless, I don't have the power now  
I don't want it anyhow  
So I got to let it go_

_Oh I'm shameless, shameless as a man can be  
You make a total fool of me  
I just wanted to you to know_

_Oh I'm shameless  
I just wanted you to know  
Oh I'm shameless  
Oh I'm down on my knees...shameless_

Jared thought the song was mostly over, the band was still playing, but he didn’t give a damn, he couldn’t sit still any longer. He walked over and hopped up on the stage, put his hand on Jensen’s chest and pushed, walking him to the privacy of the backstage so he could kiss him. Jared would rather have done it right in front of everyone, but he didn’t want anything to spoil this moment. Watching two guys kissing just might do that with this Texas crowd.

“My God, I can’t believe you,” Jared said softly before pressing his lips to Jensen’s. He felt Jensen’s hand slide against his jaw and onto his neck, his thumb brushing across Jared’s cheek. The guitar pushed into his chest, a little painfully, and at first Jared ignored it, but then he had to feel all of Jensen. Once he started moving the instrument, Jensen helped him and where it ended up, Jared didn’t know or care.

“I’m sorry for hurting you,” Jensen said, his voice shaky but earnest, his eyes never leaving Jared’s. “I do love you.”

“I know,” Jared said before pressing up against his man, his eyes closing at the feel of the familiar lines of Jensen’s body, the hard muscle. “You didn’t have to do this to prove it.”

“Yes, I did. You’ve given me so much of yourself, it was time to give at least a little bit of me.”

“Can we leave? You have a motel room or something? I can’t be here with all these people and talk to you.”

“Yeah, let’s go,” Jensen said.

“I have to… Jeff’s out there. I need to tell him.”

Jensen just nodded and Jared swooped back in for another kiss, tried to keep it brief, but there was so much inside him – happiness and love and awe and pride – that he got a bit carried away. It wasn’t until he felt someone tapping his shoulder that he finally backed off.

“Hey,” Steve said with a grin. “Audience’d like to know if you forgave him.”

“What?” Jensen asked, sounding as disoriented as Jared felt.

“Just come out for a minute,” Steve said, putting his arm around Jared’s shoulder and pulling him a little. “Then you can do whatever you want.”

Jared made a grab for Jensen’s hand and laced their fingers together. As soon as they walked back out, there was applause, along with some shouts, which Jared could tell were from his brother and Alona. Jared still felt kind of out of it, and the noise around them was starting to get too loud, too annoying. He had to get Jensen alone. He spotted his brother easily, and he could hear Chris trying to get the audience’s attention back to the band as he and Jensen weaved their way through the crowd, still connected through their clasped hands.

“It’s nice to finally meet you,” Jeff said, shaking Jensen’s free hand.

Jared loved his brother, but he didn’t want to spend the time finding out the story behind all of this. Not now, and not even from his brother. He was on a high like he’d never felt before and he didn’t want to come down, wanted it to last as long as possible. He handed the keys to the truck to his brother. “We’ll find a cab or whatever. Tell Mom and Dad –”

“They know,” Jeff said with a grin. “But they expect you two home tomorrow.”

Jared gave his brother a tight hug and whispered, “Thank you,” in his ear.

“C’mon,” Jensen said when Jared was finally clear of Jeff. “I have my car here.”

The ride to wherever they were going was quiet. Jensen was mostly paying attention to the road, but Jared was outright staring at Jensen, whispering over and over, “I can’t believe you did that.” Jensen would only squeeze his hand and smile at him.

Jared followed Jensen to the room, but once they cleared the doorway, he had Jensen against the wall. It wasn’t gentle or slow, it was only need and want. Jared ground his pelvis into Jensen’s, their mouths mashed together, teeth and tongues coming together. Jensen had his hands fisted in Jared’s hair, pulled at the strands, and it hurt a little, but Jared didn’t mind. It felt good actually after three weeks of nothing, this was real and this was them.

Somehow they managed to get their clothes off and made it to the bed. Jared ended up on top, Jensen’s legs wrapped around his waist as they writhed against each other. “God, I missed you,” Jared groaned against Jensen neck before he sucked a bruise there. He’d never had the desire to mark Jensen before, but it was an uncontrollable need now. Their sweat and slick made it easy to rut against each other and it didn’t take long before Jared came. He might have been embarrassed about it if Jensen didn’t lose it before Jared had even finished.

Jared kept his head buried in Jensen’s neck, used the excuse of catching his breath to hide his tears.

“Hey,” Jensen said softly, his hands gently sliding up and down Jared’s back. “It’s okay. I’m not going anywhere. I meant it all. I am sorry and I was wrong, so fucking wrong. I didn’t want to hurt you, but I was scared.”

“You don’t have to explain,” Jared said, moving so he could look into Jensen’s eyes.

“I love you,” Jensen said as his hands framed Jared’s face and his thumbs brushed his tears away. “Please don’t cry, Jared.”

“It’s just… God, Jensen, you got up on stage and sang for me.”

Jensen smiled and kissed him. “I had to show you how much I love you, that I’m not any good without you.”

“’Bout time you finally realized it.” Jared may have put a little more heat into that than he intended, but Jensen didn’t look upset by it.

“I’d known a long time before this, just too – I don’t know, proud or stupid to say it out loud. Too afraid.”

“Yeah, good thing I love you enough to forgive you.”

They kissed again, soft, sweet kisses that didn’t lead anywhere and eventually Jared rolled off Jensen, so they were on their sides, but still wrapped around each other. He didn’t intend to let go for a long time.

When he pulled back slightly for air he caught Jensen staring at him curiously. “What?”

“It’s just… you helped me figure something out.” Jared gave Jensen a moment to work out what he wanted to say. “It’s not… life isn’t about doing things when they’re supposed to happen. It’s about living it when they do.”

Jared’s smile grew. “Told ya I was wise beyond my years.” But then he couldn’t help returning to the wonder of all that Jensen had done to come find him again. “You called my family to set this up?”

Jensen gave a little huff of laughter. “Yeah. Thankfully, your parents still have landline phone, so it wasn’t too difficult to look them up. Your mom answered the phone and she wasn’t real happy with me at first, not until I explained my plan.”

“I can’t believe they didn’t want to come along.”

“They did, but we couldn’t figure out a plausible excuse for them to be there. Jeff said you would’ve known something was up if they went to a bar, let alone allowed Megan into one. Alona taped it all for them, though.”

Jared smiled. “Awesome. I can’t wait to watch it.”

“Just as long I’m not in the room when you do,” Jensen said with a grimace. “Man, there is no way I’m gonna be able to watch myself.”

“You had to be practicing the song for a while.”

“We had a little over a week of practice and, Jesus, I owe Chris and Steve until, like, the end of time. The band gave up a lot of time just for me, it’s ridiculous.”

Jared kissed him again. “Not ridiculous,” he countered. “They’re pretty awesome friends.”

“Yeah,” Jensen agreed with a soft smile.

“So, we’re in this together, right?”

“If you’re sure you can stand my boring ole ass.” Jensen said it lightly, but there was something else underneath there as well.

“You are not boring or old,” Jared assured him.

“True, twenty-six isn’t anything to complain about, but I am kinda boring.”

“How do you figure?”

“You’re pretty adventurous in the bedroom, you know,” Jensen said, looking uncomfortable.

“Me? I’m vanilla,” Jared scoffed.

“Dude, you went out and bought panties and wore them – all night!”

“But you’re the only one that brings that out in me. And you’ve got your kinks, too.”

“Yeah, I know, your belt.”

“Not _only_ that,” Jared said with a soft laugh. “Man, you so totally like being the boss most of the time, even when you bottom.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Dude, have you ever heard me complain? I like it. You get this feral look and, Jesus, it’s about all I can do not to come just looking at you. And don’t even get me started on your voice, which you take full advantage of, don’t even try to deny it.”

Jensen scratched at his nose and looked a little embarrassed. “Well, yeah, it’s pretty easy to figure out what turns you on.”

“Just imagine what phone sex would be like – it’d be so awesome.”

Jensen chuckled. “We’ll have to try that sometime.”

“You’d be good at it, bossing me around, telling me what to do, and… yeah, better not talk about that anymore.”

Jensen kissed him again, soft and gentle, his fingers brushing across Jared’s body in a leisurely manner. Jared was coming down off the adrenalin rush and starting to feel a little sleepy, but not enough to miss out on whatever Jensen wanted to do.

“So, you ready to meet my family tomorrow?”

“Long time past due,” Jensen said with a trace of regret.

“Doesn’t matter. We’re starting over. Clean slate and all that.”

Jensen groaned. “Oh God, don’t make me start over. I like where we’re at right now.”

“Me too,” Jared said with a lascivious grin, but before Jensen could open his mouth to correct him, he continued seriously. “I know. And starting over isn’t really what I meant. But I do need to know that we’re in this together. I promise that any more serious decisions that come up, I’ll talk to you about them.”

“And I agree to let you,” Jensen said, but then laughed when Jared gave him a smack on the ass. “No, of course you need to make decisions that are best for you, but yes, we are most definitely in this together.”

“We’re finding you a new place to live, too.”

“No.”

“Dude,” Jared sighed, “you don’t have to live there. You can find an apartment that costs just about the same and will be a lot safer.”

“I understand your point, but I like being in my own house, no one above or below me. An apartment can’t give me something like that.”

Jared thought for a moment, said slowly, “How about… we look for something in a casual way.”

Jensen snorted. “How the hell do you look for an apartment in a casual way?”

“Nothing intense, just keep an eye out, search for just the right thing. It might take a while, and if you don’t like a place, then it gets crossed off the list. Just… please, can we look?”

“Yeah, I suppose that would be all right,” Jensen conceded softly, studying Jared for several moments.

“What?”

“I thought you’d ask to move in.”

“I want to, but I don’t think that’s a good idea. Not yet anyway. My last year is gonna be hellaciously busy and I won’t be making any money until after I graduate. I know my folks won’t help out with expenses if I’m living with someone, even if they do like you.”

“That makes sense,” Jensen said with a nod. “We can talk about it more later, closer to when you’re finished with school.”

“I’d like that.” He pressed his lips against Jensen’s, their tongues just brushing together. Jared felt the excitement of the future that lay before them. He wasn’t scared anymore, or at least as afraid. There were no guarantees in life, but at least now he didn’t feel like Jensen had to have such rigid guidelines in which to live his life. He was starting to truly feel that there was a place for him in Jensen’s life. And it felt pretty damn amazing.


	16. Epilogue

“I want to thank y’all for participating in the First Annual Drew Robinson Memorial Fund Golf Tournament,” Jensen said into the mic. “As you know, Drew’s father, Ben, founded this charity with hopes of providing opportunities to children suffering from spinal injuries that they might not otherwise be able to have by going to summer camp or helping with the purchase of much needed medical equipment. Because of your help today, we’ve sold out the tournament and we are well on our way to helping more kids than we thought possible at this time.”

The crowd was thick, over seventy participants, plus all the volunteers, but still Jensen easily found Jared, surrounded by their families. After Ben Robinson had asked Jensen to become a member of the Memorial Fund board, Jensen had volunteered to head up this fundraiser. He’d been relentless in soliciting sponsors, prizes and help from his family, friends, and co-workers. It had taken a lot of work and time, but with Jared in the home stretch before graduation it gave Jensen something to be focused on while Jared concentrated on his studies.

Jared gave him a wink along with a double thumbs up when their gazes collided and Jensen couldn’t stop the automatic smile that curved his lips.

“There are bottles of water in each gift bag that you received during check-in,” Jensen continued. “Please keep yourself hydrated. It’s going to be a long day and we want all of you to be around to enjoy it. It’s a shotgun start and everyone was provided with their starting position. You’ll have plenty of time to get there and when you hear the siren, please start your round of golf. Our volunteers will be out and about providing more drinks and snacks as you make your way through the course, and if this all works out as planned, we’ll all be back here at the clubhouse for a wonderful dinner and the awards presentation.”

There was a pause as everyone looked at Jensen in anticipation. “Okay, start your engines folks,” he said with a grin.

“Wrong sport,” Chad complained loudly, which earned him a shove from Jared as the crowd dispersed to their golf carts. Jensen thought it was probably a good idea that Chad was with Jared and papas Ackles and Padalecki, otherwise they might find Chad buried in a sand trap or thrown into a water hazard.

Jensen was helping his mom and Sherri Padalecki pack up several golf carts with drinks and snacks when he felt a hand on his shoulder. 

“You’ve done a fabulous job here, Jensen,” Ben Robinson said. “I can’t thank you enough.”

“I’ve learned a lot and, honestly, I had a great time doing it,” Jensen said with sincerity. He and Drew’s father still didn’t see eye to eye on everything, but the respect they had for each other was now mutual. It hadn’t been easy at first, but Jensen had taken the man’s offer to be on the board for what it was – an olive branch and an acknowledgment that Jensen was good at his job.

“I’ve been going over the numbers,” Ben said, his smile bright. “Man, you got just about everything donated, just about whatever we make here is going to go right into the charity.”

“I had a good team to back me up,” Jensen said. “I couldn’t have done it without them.”

“You’re very good at teamwork,” Ben said quietly. “Thank you for that.”

Jensen shook the hand that Ben offered and was smiling stupidly when Jared came up to him moments after Ben went to his golf cart.

“It sucks that you aren’t playing,” Jared said, slinging his arm over Jensen’s shoulder.

“No, _I_ would suck if I did play,” Jensen countered. “I’d be worried about how things were going back here.”

“True,” Jared conceded with a nod. He leaned closer and whispered in Jensen’s ear, “Everything okay?”

Jensen knew he was asking about the little talk with Ben. Jared was still protective in that way, hadn’t even really wanted Jensen to be too involved with the charity, but relented when Jensen had insisted how much he wanted to help.

“Everything is awesome,” Jensen answered with a smile. “Now go have some fun.”

The rest of the day flew by, Jensen busy making sure everything went off without a hitch. It didn’t, of course, but at least he was able to put out any fires quickly and it seemed like everyone had a good time. It was an indescribable feeling to have Jared and their parents and siblings along for the ride. Jensen had been relieved when he and Jared had gotten everyone together last Christmas – Jared christening their parents the mommas and the papas – and it was as if their parents had been long lost friends. The mommas even kept the communication lines open between the families by telephoning each other every few weeks.

Jensen had sent everyone home after dinner and the last award had been given while he and some of the other volunteers finished packing everything up. A formal accounting would still have to be done, but Ben and the other board members had been more than impressed with Jensen’s efforts. They already asked him to be in charge of the tournament next year.

When Jensen pulled up to the house, he smiled at all the cars that lined the quiet cul-de-sac. He’d moved in six months ago, and the rent was more than he’d wanted to pay, but he liked the neighborhood and the smile on Jared’s face had been more than worth it when he’d seen it. It wasn’t really that hard of a concession to make.

It was a two story, three bedroom, two bath house with a beautiful porch that had enough room for a swing and a few chairs. A huge tree had been planted on the side and provided enough shade to help keep that part of the house cool. The back yard was big and fenced in. The rooms were a nice size, with the exception of the kitchen, but that was okay because neither Jensen nor Jared had great culinary skills and therefore didn’t spend a lot of time in it.

Jensen parked in the garage and let out a small sigh of contentment upon seeing Jared’s truck taking up the other space. Jared had officially moved in two weeks ago after his graduation. Everyone, except for Jeff – who hadn’t finished up with his own classes yet – had come into town for that event. Jensen felt a little bad that they all had to make the trip again so soon, but this visit had been much more relaxed for everyone and Jeff and his fiancé Becca were able to be here this time. And judging by the amount of noise coming from the house, their family and friends were having a good time.

He walked around the front of the house and onto the porch. “Hey, man,” he said to Chris as he flopped down onto the swing beside him.

“What are you doing?” Chris asked.

“I barely even saw you at the golf course today. Wanted to say hello,” Jensen answered. Chris and Steve had been on the road a lot more lately and the first casualty that had produced was Alona breaking up with Chris.

“You should go inside,” Chris said, making a vague gesture with his hand.

“I will.”

They sat in silence for a while, the breeze hot but still a bit of a comfort from the blazing sun. 

“You don’t have to babysit me, you know,” Chris said before taking a sip of beer that he had cradled in his hand.

“What? I can’t sit out on my own porch?”

“How’d you even know I was out here in the dark?”

“Dude, how many times do I have to tell you the cigarettes give you away every damn time?” Jensen asked with a chuckle.

Chris took one last drag and then deposited the butt into an almost empty can. “I miss her.”

“I know you do.”

“Think I should try to get her back?”

“Only you know the answer to that one,” Jensen said, pushing off with his foot to set the swing in motion.

“C’mon, no bullshit. Tell me what you think.”

“What I think is that Alona loves you, but she’s also smart enough to know that it wasn’t enough, not for you or her. She told you she was tired of you being gone all the time, didn’t want to chase you around the country, and didn’t want to have to worry about your flirting becoming too much one day.”

“I never cheated on her.”

“I didn’t think you had. You know as well as I do that you love being on the road, love the band and all the shit that goes with it. That wasn’t for her, man.”

“How come you got so smart about relationships all of a sudden?”

“Easy to do when it’s not your own. And, you know, Misha helped a lot.”

“You still seeing him?” Chris asked with surprise.

“Not for a few months now. Felt like I could handle things on my own finally. It’s not easy analyzing your own life, but, you know,” he finished with a shrug

“Jared,” Chris filled in and he wasn’t wrong. “Guess I need to find my own Jared, someone who makes me all gooey on the inside and act like a twelve year old girl.”

Jensen snorted. “Just for that, I’m going inside and calling out the big guns. I’m sure the mommas will be glad to give your sorry ass all kinds of advice. Maybe even try to set you up.”

“I can run faster than them,” Chris said, eyebrows raised as he pointed a finger at him.

“How about the sisters then? They’ll be able to keep up for sure.”

“All empty threats,” Chris said with a smirk. “You won’t let either one of ’em near me.”

“Who’s not allowed to be around Chris now?” Jared asked coming through the front door and settling on Jensen’s other side. 

“Our sisters,” Jensen answered, melting into Jared a little.

“Oh, definitely,” Jared said gravely. “Megan has a huge crush on him.”

“Meggie?” Chris leaned around Jensen to look at Jared.

“Okay, remember when you and Steve first met me?” Jared pointed and wagged his finger with each word. “And you guys threatened to kill me if I ever hurt Jensen?”

“We never threatened,” Chris countered.

“Not with words, no,” Jared agreed. “But you so did.”

“Okay,” Chris conceded slowly.

“You hit on my sister, besides the fact that she’s too young for you, you’ll not only have the mommas and the papas to deal with, you’ll have four brothers and another sister on your ass for hurting her.” Jared swirled his finger between him and Jensen. “We’re all family now.”

“Point made,” Chris said with a sigh as he stood up. “I’m going in for another beer, you two want anything.”

“We’re good,” Jensen said, wanting some time alone with his boyfriend before they had to go inside.

Jared stretched his arms across the back of the swing and let his head fall against Jensen’s. “Dude, I’m exhausted and you must be fucking drained.”

“We’ve been going at high speed for at least a month now.”

“It was a nice day, though. I knew you’d be awesome at organizing the shit out of an event like that.”

Jensen chuckled. “Uh, thanks, I guess.”

“Aww, c’mon, you know it was a compliment.”

“Yeah,” Jensen said with a happy sigh.

“So, what’s going on? Why’d you lure me out here?”

“I didn’t lure.”

“Oh, stop it.” Jared knocked his knee into Jensen’s. “You knew I’d come looking for you.”

“I _did_ want to check on Chris,” Jensen defended. “But you’re right. I wanted a minute to talk to you. About the house.”

“What about it?” Jared asked with a small frown.

Jensen knew Jared loved the house, had at first sight, and even loved their landlords. Tom and Danneel were a young couple, and their family outgrew the small house faster than they had anticipated. 

“How would you feel about buying it?”

“Together?”

Jensen smiled. “Yes, of course.”

“But I thought Tom and Danneel didn’t want to sell yet.”

“Tom called me last night when you were at the airport picking up your brother. Danneel is pregnant again and they’re trying to simplify and cut responsibilities.”

“Wow.”

“I know. Tom sounded happy about it, but I didn’t get a chance to talk to him much since we had everyone here. Sorry I didn’t say anything to you last night.”

“Dude, you were asleep by the time I got home,” Jared teased.

“I had to get up early this morning!”

Jared chuckled before turning serious. “How soon do we have to give them an answer?”

“They’re going to put it on the market within the week if we don’t want it, said we had first crack at it.”

“Okay spill. Give me all the details. You must have a pro and con list a mile long.”

“Nope. I haven’t even had time to think about it that much because of the golf tournament.” He turned on the swing and went with his gut. “Let’s do it, Jared. Buy this house.”

“For real?” Jared asked with amazement. “Just like that?”

“Yeah,” he answered as he reached up to snag Jared’s hand, laced their fingers, and gave them a small squeeze. “Just like that.”

“I don’t want you to pay for everything, Jensen.”

“I won’t, we’ll split it just like we were going to for the rent.”

“And the down payment?”

“We’ll work it out, Jared. It’ll be ours. Please, let’s do this.”

“There’s no way I’m saying no.” Jared leaned in and kissed him, slow and easy. “You know I’m going to go in there and tell everyone, right?”

“I wouldn’t expect anything less,” Jensen said with a grin.

“You know what else I think we’re ready for?”

“Dogs?” Jensen asked.

“Oh my God, it’s like you can read my mind,” Jared said in mock awe.

“That and you’ve mentioned it about a million times since we found this place… how perfect the backyard is for a dog or two.”

“You’re full of surprises,” Jared whispered against Jensen’s ear.

Jensen could go for the joke, say he always knew he was full of something, but it hit him then, almost like a physical blow, that this is what he’d always wanted. Someone to build his future with, someone who loved him and it would be difficult and scary at times, and always worth it in the end. He only had to look at his and Jared’s parents’ marriages to know the truth of that.

“You wanna go in?” Jared asked even as he squeezed his body in even closer.

Jensen set the swing in motion again, felt selfish, wanted to keep Jared to himself for a little longer, and didn’t feel an ounce of guilt as he pulled him in for a slow, lingering kiss.

“Nah, let’s just stay out here.”

 

~end~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story was made even better with the help of three very special people. My friend Joanne was so patient, and tirelessly shared her PT knowledge and always answered my ridiculously long list of questions. I was so fortunate to have sandymg as my beta. Her advice, suggestions, editing skills, encouragement and friendship have been priceless. My artist for this challenge was loverstar. It was awesome working with her and I absolutely love the art she created, and I can’t thank her enough for her time and her talent.
> 
> I could not have written this story without the initial encouragement and support of danigirl1992. Very special thanks to sienata for her unwavering support and encouragement and without whom I would’ve never entered the SPN fandom.
> 
> Special thanks to borgmama1of5 who is cleverly awesome when it comes to summaries; and to the rpf_big_bang mods chosenfire28 and primreceded for running the challenge and making my first bigbang experience a thoroughly enjoyable one.
> 
> I used a bit of artistic license as to the boys’ hometowns in relation to Jared’s school and Jensen’s job. I tried to be as ambiguous as I could, but I did use real places (UT, UT Hospital, and Goodyear). The MS/BS program does exist ([BS/MS Program](http://www.chbmeng.ohio-state.edu/undergrad/bsms.pdf)). I used Ohio State University (OSU) in my research because it’s my home state. I don’t know if UT has a similar program. Please forgive any inaccuracies.
> 
> As I was writing this story, the very real and amazing development of the electrical spinal cord stimulation happened in which a man with a spinal cord injury stood and walked! I researched and read several articles about this, but mainly used the following three:
> 
> [NPR Article](http://www.npr.org/2011/05/20/136474109/spinal-implant-spurs-motion-in-paralyzed-man?ps=cprs)   
>  [Engadget.com Article](http://www.engadget.com/2011/05/20/paralyzed-man-can-stand-and-walk-again-thanks-to-spinal-implant/)   
>  [Popsci.com Article](http://www.popsci.com/science/article/2011-05/electrical-stimulation-spinal-cord-paralyzed-man-walks-again)
> 
> Music was a big part of the story and I’ve included links to videos in case you wanted to take a listen. 
> 
> The bad boyfriend song that Chris sang to Alona was inspired by an actual Christian Kane song, [ ‘More than I Deserve’](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=16nIUMwcZXg&list=FLalnw8HuZ5O8ZzZEEuR1yow&index=23).
> 
> 30 Seconds to Mars’ [‘A Beautiful Lie’](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sVzOoWFHmWk) fit right into my story and I knew had to use it for Drew.
> 
> [‘Shameless’](http://vodpod.com/watch/941493-garth-brooks-shameless-with-lyrics) was written by and originally recorded by Billy Joel 1989. Garth Brooks recorded his version in 1991 and it’s his version that I envisioned Jensen singing.


End file.
